Unfortunately for the Human Race, Last months review of Norbit only serve to Strengthen The SatanicEamonn, Born out of then scrap of Satanic Power in his fist, But just as it seemed like all was lost, Joe-jack produced the Power Diamonds (See Magic Roundabout review, March 2013-Editor) out of storage. The 3 gemstones that boast unfathomable capabilities, Excorised the Satanic out of Eamonn, but the cunning creature teleported into a Dvd. Freed form this Malefice, but with Diminished powers, Eamonn concluded with Joe-Jack and 80's Lad that SatanicOstrich must return to his thankless job as Lord of the dahmed,)
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
(SIGH)
Well, if you thought that I should Affirm cause and effect by reviewing something good and stop the Earth colliding with Hell, I hate to disappoint but here's a review of film I mentioned in my Thunderpants review as being shite.
But before I go on, I am Aware that more International readers are turning up since I joined TGWTG, So some British things will be completely lost in translation. I'll be doing this for part 2, when Plot-points like this turn up there.
- A chav is a slang word for a youth or teenage criminal or at least an undesirable. In British Film they are satirically dressed in tracksuits, High end Runners, Gold Jewellery and will probably wear 1 garment that has the Burberry tartan.
- RP (Received Pronunciation) is the accent many think of when they think of English. it's also known as Queen's English, That posh accent to many people.
- Hobblers may refer to Hob-Nobs, a brand of oat biscuits. They never came In metal tins, however!
- The Conservative Party's Free school scheme came into scrutiny at time of writing, when it was revealed that the students of 1 school was not reaching the standard. But that's what happens when you hire Adults with free time, instead of actual teachers! 1 school was even ran by a Defrocked Priest, An Army Recruiter, A cult and the school lab was used in making meth!
- A"Staffy" is short for Staffordshire Terrier, the long forgotten breed became a stature piece in Chav Culture.
First some background on the source material.
Despite not as famous as Potter worldwide, The Horrid Henry Books had made their author Francesca Simon the second richest children's Writer in Britain today...
...Because her books are Dirt cheap!
Horrid Henry books are not sold in bookshops in town centres, they are sold in supermarkets, grocers and newsagents and petrol stations. The only people buying Horrid Henry books are Chav parents who throw this pulp fiction at their kids when they are failing badly at the school.
But What about the books themselves what are they like, Well I can only describe them as "Just William for the Modern Age...If William happens to be 1 of those kids on Beyond Scared Straight!
But enough Stalling, Let's Dig into a Waste of the British Lottery's Prize Money and mourn the corrupted minds of youth, This is Horrid Henry, innit?
We start in An Imagination Spot as the eponymous Henry (Theo Stephenson) is spying on the girl's Club members, Singing Soraya, Sour Susan and Moody Margaret.
I must Point out that every character here shares Alliteration made of character Trait/Flaw + Middle class Name. so Henry uses his magnetic Yoyo to steal a box of Hobblers biscuits. As he starts to enjoy his mother shout at him to do his homework, Nice convincing wig by the way(!)
So Henry and his annoying RP voice, Just the accent you'd expect from the saviour of Literacy(!) introduces us to his homelife, His Classically trained musician brother Perfect Peter, the apple of his useless Blame-shifting parents eyes. But Henry has dreams of Musical Grandeur Too. He dreams of becoming a rockstar, by bursting into a Middle Class Rap!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YWfHmYBKCdY
FAST FORWARD BUTTON!
After his parents destroy his homework copy, Henry introduces us to friends, the equally chavvy Rude Ralph, the OCD-laden Aerobic Al, the uninspired name of Brainy Brian and the school idiot (which is really saying much, you'll know why In a minute!) Beefy Bert.
Beefy!
BERT!
I suppose Retarded Reginald would cut to close to the knuckle.
...Together with the Bi-polar Weepin' William they are the dreaded ...Purple Hand Gang.
(sniggers, then Bursts out laughing!)
Seriously Miz Simon, could you not think of a better name? All I can say is that the Ginyu Force, The teletubbies, Barney's Backyard Gang and even Binky Barnes could kick these guys asses!
So Henry gets detention for having no homework and for writing a fake excuse note. Ms Battleaxe, (Played by Angie Houston) makes Henry spell the word "work" out loud. When he gets it wrong, she gives him a Reason You Suck Speech about never doing any work, which is to why he can't spell it!
(sigh...0
I know your Heart is in the right place, Miss Battleaxe, but giving that these and including the younger children in Peter's class are the only children in this school, makes me think that this is, infact, 1 of those horrible Thachterite Free Schools I heard so much about. And besides, your class only intelligent student is hanging with 4 criminally able children, a retard, a boy with OCD, A girl who uncontrollably sings, a bipolar boy and a FRIKKING Narcoleptic, lovingly called "Lazy Linda". I think one of your students not being able to spell is the least of your problems!
And I'm Right! The headmistress Miss Oddbod (what horrible names-oh and played by Prunella Scales) tells Ms Battleaxe that the School Inspectors are visiting.
FORESHADOWING!
So after a cameo from Jo Brand, A poster in Oddbod's Office tell us that a battle of the bands is being held by Rock Wild Child (or "wild" in terms of this film, as All the music sound like McBusted!) Ed Banger, lead singer of Killer Boy Ratz (Played by Noel Fielding) on the exact day the inspectors come to visit.
I smell shenanigans! I also smell something else!
So Henry wants to enter his Autistic Spectrum Gang into the Talent Competition and Joy of Joys, I have to listen to Shephanson sing again!
So after a crappy song and defying the law of gravity for a matrix Pose, Oddbod gives him a telling off.
Speaking of Defying the Laws of Physics, after school Margaret and Henry ambush each other with Cartoon Physics, Disappearing behind lampposts and delaying drop rates and the like. This is why I called them,Ralph and Susan, "criminally able" as if they were smarter those powers would be put to murderous use!
It's also revealed that the little chavling has a pet...hamster.
Not a Staffy. or a pitbull. or even a parrot that says FUCK OFF! on command, no, a hamster which is good to know as it's a PLOT POINT!
After a song about being King, Perfect Peter narks on his brother.
AND THEN!
THIS HAPPENS!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I57SHJK1qNM
"Help me! I'm being attacked by things out of Jimmy's Head!"
The Next Day Margaret plans her revenge by using the tried and Failed bucket Prank. After miss battleaxe enters first as Henry was late, the Paint fell on her. Naturally the Fault shifts onto Henry who clearly must have feigned being drove by his dad and set up a trap that would not be tampered by any janitor or cleaning staff in the 8 hours that the school was closed. Did the creators actually go to a working class school or are the as stupid as the parents who buy the children the source material?
So Oddbod fires Battleaxe and for the first time in the 4 and a half pages of notes that made this review, Henry has a twinge of guilt. Opening a drawer, A broach picked up by Battleaxe makes her draw a Crafty smile.
The firing of Miss battleaxe is enough to be pit on the news and also introduces rival headmaster Vic Van Wrinkle (Richard E Grant)
Richard E grant is in this film, Do I have to tell you that this wonderful Ham is the Villain?
END OF PART 1.
What Evil plan does van wrinkle have for henry? what was the broach battleaxe picked up? And will the world actually end if Eamonn finishs this review? find out in part 2 in February. Only on bogger box office!
