Last year Transformers Celebrated 40 years as a Franchise. And as a Franchise, It's History has being Strange. As it's Mythos in the past 4 decades has being updated and rebuilt from Scratch with each alliteration adding it's amendments-with Varying Results. From Unicron Being Earth all the long in the twist ending to the Dark but Engaging Transformers Prime, to the silliness of Bumblebee speaking in Memes in the fun but Divisive Cyberverse. They even had a Preschool Transformers Show, if you can believe that!
So last year for their Ruby Anniversary, The Transformers went Back. In fact they went FURTHER Back. For the first time, We Get to see How the million year war between the Autobots and Decepticons on planet Cybertron started.
And with that being said, let's Transform and Roll Out! This is this year's Christmas Special: Transformers One.
THE FOLLOWING FILM IS RATED PG FOR CARTOON VIOLENCE, INNUENDO, SLAVERY, ABLISM, AND ONE CONTINUED INSTANCE OF THE WORD "ASS", CRINGE AS IT MAY BE! THIS REVIEW IS INTENDED FOR AN ADULT AUDIENCE.
Let's get Spoilers out of the way, these Robots with Elita-1 are not Optimus Prime, Bumblebee and Megatron....or at least not yet, So you can excuse them for being a Bit off model.
Speaking of Off Model, Elita, More of a Support Character, who is usually a Caring Nightingale, or an Aloof Ninja motorcycle is the only one showing Aggression. And what emotion are B and Orion Pax Showing?
Also D16's (Megatron) Giant nose is Smelling Bumblebee's Armpit. Gross!
We Start in the Gravity defying city of Aiakon, as a Certain Blue and Red Robot breaks into a Records Hall.
This is the future Optimus Prime (Chris Hemsworth) and before the Name, the Mask, and the iconic Voice, Orion Pax was a Lowley Accounting Droid, Who Seeks the Matrix of Leadership.
We get the New Revised Origin Story: The Planet Cybertron is the Transformed State of the Cybertronian Race's God: Primus. At some time, for reasons still unknown, Primus Sacrificed his life to create four things: The Planet, The Primes, Basically, The Parthenon of Minor Gods, The Cybertronian Race in his image and a Substance called Energon, which is the life blood of all Transformers, though any Fuel Source can be Converted into it. They can literally get drunk on power!
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| "YEAH, MAN! (HIC!) N-R-GEE!" |
There is a Relic said to Control the Now Diminished Flow of Energon throughout the planet: the aforementioned Matrix of Leadership, Basically a Conduit of Collective Knowledge pass down from Prime to Prime, which is what Orion is Seeking to find, when he is caught by Security Bots.
We learn that this version of Orion is no longer an Accounting Droid, but a defective Mining Droid, who has no transforming Cog. A Transforming (Or Transformation) Cog In a Cybertronian's chest is how the Transformers do their thing, scanning an alt mode, and storing the schematics to allow the transformation. After Bluffing that he can transform, Orion Runs and LE PARKOUR'S With Ramjet And Dirge in Pursuit, only to jump out the window and land onto the upright second half of Aiakon, 40 feet below.
It seems Orion has done this before as the Packed Metropolis' People are aware and sick of his actions inconvincing their day.
Internet Pranksters in their 20s in a Nutshell!
Orion is about be arrested only for the Cops to be interrupted by D-16 (Voice of Brian Tyree Henry) Causing a distraction, D helps his Best Friend to escape by letting him hide in his mining cart.
D-16 is worried about how far his Idealistic Friend will go before he is scrapped! After all, Sentinel Prime is on the Surface Right now Searching for the Matrix, to no avail. So if a God can't find it, What chance does a Defective have? We get some foreshadowing as Orion teases D with a present, a decal of Megatronus Prime's Visage (The Decepticon Symbol) D-16 is a fan of the Prime (aka "The Fallen") by claiming he was the Strongest of them all, and that he will always have Orion's Back.
The train descends into the Energon mines. As with the Source of Liquid Energon no longer flowing, Defectives, those born with no Transformation Cogs, are Forced to mine for it under the Supervision of Ambitious Sub-boss, Elita-1 (Voice of Scarlett Johanneson) who is close to promotion, (in her mind). Orion asks out Elita-1, but she only sees him as a Subpar Subordinate ("You Don't Have The Touch, Or The Power!")
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| "I CLAPPED BECAUSE I KNOW TRANSFORMERS!" |
The miners find a Unstable vein of Energon, which not only Explodes but causes Part of Cybertron, which if you recall, is a Hallowed out God's Corpse they all live in, to transform some walls to close and open. Orion ignores Protocol to save Jazz from being killed in 3 out of 3 movie appearances, only for Jazz to lose a leg. Supervisor Darkwing Demotes Elita to Waste Management, but not before decking Orion and D-16 for Speaking out!
It's Time for Sentinel Prime (Jonn Hamm) to give his Daily Report on the expedition to find the Matrix...which still eludes him. However he does have good news, Tomorrow is Declared as a Holiday as the Running of the Aiakon 5000 race Commences at Dawn.
Orion wakes D-16 with an Idea; what if they Enter the Race? It will show the Transformers that even Mining Droids can do anything. That they can be....More Than Meets The Eye?
D16 Refuses and Orion Respects his wishes.
OF COURSE NOT! HE TRICKS HIM INTO TAKING A SHORT CUT TO ILLEGALLY WATCH AT THE STARTING LINE BUFFERS!
From a Tall Building, Sentinel Prime Descends with an Angel Wing shaped Jetpack. He says that it's being 50 Cycles (Years) since the war with the Quintessons (More on them Later), the Deaths of the other Primes, and the loss of the Matrix of Leadership. So this race will be in their honour. That's when Orion Springs Another Surprise on his Ro-Bro, they WILL enter the race, albeit Illegally.
After a Race Sequence which is a Cameo Cast of Thousands, All the Miners watching get excited. And with some Ingenuity, The duo are about to win over Darkwing.... Only for the writers to do the equivalent of Lucy Grabbing the Football when Charlie Brown Goes to kick it!
In a Hospital, after the race, and D is once again mad at Orion, knowing full well, that their little Stunt will demote them. And when Sentinel and his Transmetal Bodyguard Airacnid arrive in their sickbay personally, it seems that way, but it's further from the truth. Sentinel praises his miners for increasing Mine morale and Quota during the race. He offers them his personal medical pod. It looks like everything is going our Heroes way....until Darkwing, salty over his loss gets his revenge.
Darkwing throws Both Defectives down a Garbage shoot, that's when they meet B-138 (Keegan Michael Key). The place our heroes find themselves is Sub Level 50, a shocking fact to the others who believed there was only 40 Sub levels. Turns out B-138 ("Or You can call me "BADASSATRON!" ACTUAL GODDAM QUOTE!) Is so monumentally Stupid that pressing a button to smelt ore is the only thing he can do.
B is so Stir Crazy being the only one here, he has made Friends out of Junk.
Hey, maybe you can call them "Junkicons"! HA!
In "Steve's" Voice box, Orion hears a voice, knocking the Junk over, they find a Hologram showing the former Autobot Leader and Prime, Alpha Trion, Confirming Zeta Prime's Death, followed by a map with Coordinates to the Matrix on the Surface. Orion finally has an idea to where the Matrix may be, or at the very least they can properly Bury the Primes.
After Convincing B-138 and D-16 to go the Surface with the promises of Promotion by Sentinel, the Recycling bot pushes them up the Trash Chute to Waste Management to catch An Automatic Train to the surface. A series of events reunites them with Elita-1 as the train locks them inside on its journey to the surface. On the roof after a chase, Elita is about to clean Orion's Clock, when they are Distracted by the beauty of the Surface's Changing Landscape under an Auroral Sky. But it Turns Deadly when the Crags that form derail the train.
Elita wakes by Punching Orion, she makes herself in Charge by taking the map from him And B-138 won't
SHUT.
THE.
HELL.
UP!
Keegan Michael Key everybody!
On the surface, they find Something Alien to them, Organic Plant Life, and Non-Humanoid Transformers in the Shape of deer. But something Else is on the Surface: A Quintesson Ship, scanning for life to k*ll indiscriminately. Orion Saves B-138 but they don't understand. What is Cybertron's sworn enemy doing on the Surface?
Finding a Valley where Grass and Collected Rainwater has Developed into a Biome, They Find a Cave of Fossilised Energon and the Slain Bodies of the The Primes. D-16 weeps over His Hero, Megatronus Prime's body. Orion finds Zeta Prime's body and remembering Alpha Trion's Message, Searches his Corpse for the Matrix but it's Gone. The others leave the cave, but Orion Spies a Flickering light in some rocks.
They Find the Corpse of Alpha Trion. Except he's not dead, but the Robot version of a Coma. B hands The Message Chip to Orion who inserts it into Alpha's head, Somehow they knew this would revive him?
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| "This makes No Sense and Yet It's Working!" |
Alpha Trion (Lawrence Fishburne) Tells the Miners a Hard Truth: Sentinel Prime is a Traitor and a Liar, he's not even a Prime by Design. Using Art Style Shift Magic, Trion uses Coloured rust and leaves to Show Sentinel's Betrayal of his masters. The Personal Knight and Vassel, tricked his Lords and Ladies into an ambush by the Quintessons. The Primes would take out many of their fived-faced foes very readily, If not for the betrayal of the Jealous Sentinel. As the Memories of the Primes Die over where their bodies now stand, Sentinel Rips the Matrix out of Zeta Prime's Chest-Only one Problem with that-The Matrix is on the level of a Holy Relic, Akin to Excalibur or Mjolnir, so in true Arthurian Fashion it can only be wielded by one worthy. And given that Sentinel is definitely not, it rusts out his hands.
All this time Sentinel was a figurehead for a shadow Government headed by the Quintessons who, flanked by their Sharkicon Slaves, make their Presence Finally.
But who are the Quintessons?
Well, Long Story Short, they are the true Creators of the Cybertronian Race, 5 faced Robotic Tentacled monsters, Who Revel in Misery and Profit off war...wars they start and continue by selling weapons to both sides. Without going into things that are not in this film like Unicron, the Hate Virus and other media, They killed Primus for his Energon and Salvaged his form to create Automatous Slaves: The Cybertronians. Eons would pass until Mining would expose Primus' Spark which would become the Matrix of Leadership, transforming a nameless Slave Into Alpha Trion, who would lead the Slaves with the red Visage of Primus on their person, the Autobots!
The Hidden Miners are Sickened to see Sentinel and his staff of Security and Supervisors Bend the Knee to their enemies as the Quintessons are paid their yearly Tribute of what the miners thought were Contaminated Metal, but in truth was Disguised Energon Cubes. There is no Energy Crisis, only Sentinel lining his pockets while saving his chassis! D-16 Shouts "Traitor!" And Airacnid Reacts to Danger, but the danger is from the Quintessons who Strangle Sentinel. The Tribute is short and the mines are running out. But under the Threat of death, Sentinel will Command his lackeys to Enforce a Triple Output of all Mining excavations-No breaks Until the Quota is met!
Naturally, Noone can believe what they just saw, with D-16 Being more Upset than Most, he goes through More Emotions than the others-Denial, Sadness, Blame and finally Anger in the Space of two minutes Impressively voiced by Henry, Showing his first steps down the path to darkness. He doesn't want Him to pay, HE WANT'S HIM TO DIE! He wants to parade Sentinel through the mines where he suffered, before torn in half in Public!
FORESHADOWING!
That's when The Hits keep on coming, when Trion reveals another of Sentinel's Lies "No Son or Daughter of Cybertron is born without Transformation Cogs!" That Meant Sentinel Not Only Mutilated Children for 50 years, but Created an Ablist Regime where Discrimation was enforced. But Trion says the Cog doesn't Define a Cybertronion, it is the Spark (Soul). It's the Decisions you make-even the hard ones, that defies us. And that Includes this hard decision Alpha is about to make. The answer to Sentinel's Child Mutilation? Something Just as Gruesome in context-Organ Farming the dead Primes!
And So Alpha Telekinetically adds the transforming Cogs of Prima, Onyx, Alchemist and Micronus Prime to the Chest of the Defectives whose forms get bigger and grow the extraneous parts that give away their Forms "Now All are One!"
D-16 wants to fight when they are Discovered, Instead the old Leader gives them a hologram that will prove Sentinel a traitor to show Aiakon City, As he will stay to hold the Enemy Back. The Last Prime Turns into a Transmetal Lion to take out the Mindless Drones, Before he is torn apart by Airacnid.
But Now it's the moment you've all being Waiting for. The first time Our Heroes transform...and they do it as a Comedy Skit!
(SIGH!)
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| "AND EVERYONE HATED THAT!" |
In this film they make the Main Storyline that our heroes cannot transform so they go on a quest to finally do so, and when the time goes, we are not treated to the Kickass scene that causes Cheers in the aisle and popcorn thrown in the air, we get them Tripping and falling on their Butts!
Then On their Second attempt they Transform Into not their first forms but their well known forms, Sure Orion turns into a Truck still. D-16 Into the movie form of a tank, as it B's Movie form of a Chevrolet Camiro over a Volkswagon and Finally Elita-1, who has being the least Consistent, Being Originally a Cadilliac and usually different kinds of Motorbikes, Hasbro opts for making her Earthspark form of a SUV as her movie form, and I have to commend the movie after this point, the Sillouette and Colour schemes of their G1 Forms get used and remain consistent!
After Successfully Fighting Back, Everyone is Amazed By their powers. D-16, however, seems to have gotten a New Darker Attitude to go with it!
Back in Aiakon City, Airacnid Did Not K*ll Trion, that Honour goes to her Boss! He tells Her to hurt down the others and that's when Airacnid turns into a Helicopter, and Now everyone who thought I was making a typo is now going "OOHHHHH!"
Camping out in a Forest on a Cliff, Orion confronts his best friend on his new found Aggression. We Get More Foreshadowing "I WILL NEVER ACCEPT ANYONE WHO IS MADE A LEADER EVER AGAIN!"
That's when all Four are ambushed and taken out by Blowdarts. When they come to, they are Greeted by new Captors-The future G1 Decepticons-The Vainglorious Starscream (Steve Buscemi) the Pragmatic Shockwave (Jason Alvarez) and the Certified G.O.A.T Soundwave, who is a fan favourite because instead of being car or plane, Soundwave is unique for actually talking like a robot with a synthesized voice, turning into a tape recorder and having Tape Minions called Cassetticons who turned into hawks and panthers! Again Soundwave, is the MVP!
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| "Soundwave Superior. Autobots inferior!" |
