Wow, One of you really want me to Suffer, Don't you?
With a 100 percent rating of just one vote, and I hope I can do better next month! I've regrouped, I'm dwelling on this no longer and I'm moving on with this review.
I have not being looking forward to this!
I made it clear, like most people, I don't find Amy Schumber funny. In fact I find her Crass and Puerile and one note, especially when it comes to 90 percent of her humour being about the more "Intimate" parts of a woman.
Hell, TMZ and all those on-the-spot reporters showed us she can't even tell an original joke, as she has being accused of stealing jokes.
But we are the Hutt's Wheelhouse. Waist high in a realm of Rude, Crude and Man-hating attitude. As Schumber fakes a Pregnancy to have nice attention for being overweight, not one sided scorn from "Normies"
Yeah...they hate you because you're fat, Sure! That's the only reason people hate you.
The Promotional Artwork is Rotten! Ignore that it's a white void with women standing at awkward angles looking angry and or uncomfortable with pregnancies, Front and Centre with the only pop of colour that draws the eye is Amy's Pink dress and a fake belly, dropping a milk bottle like it's a hot Mic, as if the dross we are about watch will bring Societal Change to the world.
THE FOLLOWING FILM IS RATED 15 FOR LANGUAGE AND SEX WHICH WILL BE CENSORED AND DOWNPLAYED, CRUDE HUMOUR, AND SEXISM. DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
We start off badly with 2 girls playing with ragdolls in a schoolyard during the 80s, playing at midwives, as the future Schumer, Lainey swears at her best friend. Yet another quality film bought to you by Happy Madison Productions, You now know how bad this is...BECAUSE SANDLER FILM!
Kate Doesn't want to play Mommy anymore. In fact, She Doesn't want children when she grows up, But Lainey gives us the Freudian Excuse that she and Kate only have each other, because their moms died.
Sigh!
Speaking of Freudian Excuse, and Spoilers!-he doesn't show up, But I would wager, the Character played By Man-Hater DOTCOM DOTORG still has a father!
We cut to present Day New York (Because it's a Terrible film on my Blog, of course it's There!) Lainey is Voice chatting in a Luxurious Batchelorette Den to Kate (Jillian Bell) who's On Skype on the toilet (KEEP IT CLASSY!) That today maybe the day Lainey's Boyfriend will propose to her. And in the World that's not a film starring Ms Fat N Tasteless, and not Produced by Adam Sandler's Studio, a Dinner at a Fancy Restaurant can only mean one thing. Kate will have her own news later when Lainey logs off, Kate learns right now she is pregnant-Unfortunately the Father looks like Tom Greene! It isn't, but I did a double take when I saw him!
Lainey is a Secondary school English Teacher, Giving a hammy performance reading Romeo and Juliet to Dead-eyed Zoomers, one Dumbass Boils down the Window scene of the Immortal Bard's Magnum Opus as "Juliet wanna smash"
ACTUAL F**KING QUOTE!
She explains it's about Love in it's purest...then the Dumbass points out Schumber has a Moustache!
Also....You Do Know They Died, Right?
Lainey Storms out getting a Phonecall from her Boyfriend, she's Interrupted by Fallon, A Burly Australian Guidance Councillor played by Urzilla Carlson, who's pretty Funny, she's being on QI before, But this film does her no favours. They make her look like "Food at home" Rebel Wilson. They have her play a Crass stupid Foreigner who's fatter and more Abhorrent than Schumer The Hutt! They will make her drink Coffee with "Milk " she "milked" from a Male Alpaca, just to make Amy look normal!
Going to Dave's Apartment to pick up his watch and to shave her moustache, Oblivious that he's definitely cheating on her. Seeing a size 4 dress on his bed ,she that it's a gift for her! ("Size Four, I'm glad he thinks so!")
That night Dressed in another woman's Clothes, Lainey makes an a*s of herself, placated with Champagne and Cake, (Because Fat people can be bribed with Food!) David Proposes...that they have a Threesome with the owner of the Dress, and Poor Isla Fisher, She deserves better than this!
This leads to Lainey causing a scene by stripping to her underwear and smashing cake into her jowls, as Beautiful Thin People cast their opinions towards her table...even though before throwing cake like a chimp's Tea party, she was the offended party!
This leads to Lainey to be depressed at work, she implies her teenage students have more S*X than she does and bullies everything that p*sses Standing up!
Naturally, Devolving English into Biology 101 and then Burning Schoolbooks like 1960s Deep South, Lainey evacuated before Questions can be asked about the Arson that followed at school. Turning up at a Cafe to have drinks with Kate, Lainey is Dressed in Mourning Attire, when Lainey sees Kate is not drinking and Susses out that her best Friend is Pregnant.
Lainey's Response?
"NO! GET RID OFF IT!"
She Apologizes, thinking she was going to be first of the two to have children, she's happy for her friend, that this would be a nice distraction from Dave and Threesomes, only for the cafe band to introduce themselves as "David and the Threesomes"!
We Get what will Constitute as a Villain in this Trainwreck, Lizzie Broadway as the character of Miss Shirley (Or it is Charlotte? They call her both names at different times!), A Sl*tty Teacher, who Acts and dresses like a Teacher in Teacher-themed Adult Films! Fallon lets Slip that Miss THING over there, is also Pregnant!
And rather than be happy for her best friend or be happy by the fact Shirley's baby will never know it's real father because Her Colleague has had More Pr**ks inside her than a dartboard, That's when Schumber The Hutt Gets an Idea. That's when Schumber the Hutt gets a Wonderful, awful idea!
Charlotte begins rubbing it in her face, that Lainey is Hitting Forty and has noone. (She Doesn't mean to be bad, but Shirley has no filter and being in a constant state of drunkeness, cannot see when people are Uncomfortable!) After getting a complete Stranger involved in a cafe. Turns Out "Latte" (Will Forte) is also Slowly Dying in Sweatpants. So Latte, or rather-Josh, make small Talk pretending to be Lainey's Boyfriend and they part with their coffees.
Lainey in her Jealousy, lives Vicariously in Bringing Kate Baby Clothes Shopping, Kate tries to tell her that Pregnancy is no picnic, though she also tells her the hormones are making her "Have Alone Time" to sitcoms!
When Kate's Morning Sickness returns, that's when Lainey's Sick Plan for Attention is Set in Motion, When Lainey grabs a Fake Fabric Bump and Models it in a changing room under a sweater, That's when a total Stranger comes in and gives her Positive reinforcement
.....And This is where the Film falls under the weight of it's weak premise!
We were told when we heard of this film, and by "WE", I mean everyone here reading this, that this film's Premise was a Fat-shamed woman fakes Pregnancy for good attention. Well, Up to this Point, Schumber has being made fun of for facial hair and her age, She's Only being Fat-shamed Now, under the assumption by an innocent stranger that Noone would look like that if they were not Pregnant. And why is she Doing This? Her life is great! She has a high paying job, a studio flat, and up til recently, a stellar love and social life. I would understand if she was treated Lower than the Dirt on people's shoes up to this point, but she hasn't! Because she doesn't have the one aspect of another life-One that would change or have allowances on the other things she has worked for, the fact she wants a baby, something she's ill equip for is what drives her to do this!
But she Puts up with the Fat-Shaming and get's a free Burrito out of it!
The School is celebrating Valentines Day So Lainey calls up Dave, whose voicemail confirms Lainey has being replaced in the Polyamorous relationship....BY A MAN! Things get worse when Kate and Shirley are the only Staff members who are pregnant and they become fast friends, much to Lainey's Jealousy. She plans on doing all the things Expectant Mothers do in their pregnancy in a different Borough, namely Brooklyn in her façade during her free time, walking to, and taking the Subway with the Baby Bump to get as much attention from Strangers, though it backfires when a 15 year old on the Subway tells her mother she wants a baby and the mother mouthes "F you" at Lainey after the Daughter falls out with her mother!
It gets more Distasteful when at the Yoga Class, all the other classmates do is fart while doing poses and heavy breathing!
Jealous that a Heavily Pregnant Woman can stand one leg, Lainey tries and Given she probably couldn't do that even without a Cotton Counterbalance over her stomach, naturally she falls on her fake belly frightening her instructor and classmates. This draws the ire of another expectant (played by Brianne Howey), who shouts that she can help herself, that Pregnancy doesn't make her helpless. This new Friend, Megan, is told outside in the fresh air That Lainey is a single mother doing it all alone after a break up with a Deadbeat. After an Awkward scene with Vaseline, Lainey scores a Social Link with the Mother of one and a half and her family, even if she slips up a few times.
It's Charlotte's Gender Reveal Party and Lainey is Kate's Plus one. She wants to Organize Kate's Baby Shower, Except, with the closeness of the two Births, It's Going to be A joint affair with Charlotte.
Charlotte did find the father, This Guy who looks like Kid Rock Stuffed into a hockey Jersey! It's Gender Reveal time and in the Worst Possible Taste and that's Saying something, the Gender is to be revealed by smashing a Baby shaped piñata!
And Charlotte Provokes Lainey to be the one to break it, because she has "All this aggression of being kicked to the curb recently!"
Lainey's anger is so great, the baseball bat swing causes the Piñata wholesale to fly off the rope, into Fallon who catches it, who subsequently stumbles on a tarp covered pool and starts drowning. Once again Lainey books it!
That night Lainey takes up Megan's offer of dinner, where Megan's Son is running around with knifes and while his parents are trying to find him, the boy stabs The fake Bump, thankfully no adults see through the Farce 35 minutes into this one hour plus movie. Megan tells Lainey it's Four for dinner, her brother who moved into her basement after a bad divorce, who spends his days "in Grey Sweatpants".
AND WOULDN'T YOU KNOW WHO WON THE PONY?
Megan's brother is Josh and naturally is shocked to see Lainey pregnant this quickly! There's small Talk between the two and apropos of nothing, Lainey catches on fire!
Like, straight out of nowhere, she turns away from a hob and her bump catches fire, causing chaos as she crawls to the bathroom to once again shirk responsibility as everyone else is distracted by Steve's relapse into an Angry Drunk.
In the Bathroom, Lainey is taken to one side and Megan Confides in her a Story of how she nearly died giving birth, and I'm sure this will not come back to haunt her after her Betrayal.
Who does feel Betrayed is Fallon who found out and is disgusted by it, when she suggests faking a miscarriage, that Lainey has gone so far to name her Bump "Susan". Fallon just hopes no-one who thinks she's pregnant meets her when she's with her other circle of friends, Lainey thinks that will never happen, after all New York is a big City.
So anyway, Someone who thinks she's pregnant meets her when she's with her other circle of friends.
Sure, it's only Megan's Son in a Toys R Us, but he knows her to see her and asks her "Why No Baby?" He then acts out stabbing her belly. Disgusted, Kate Grabs Lainey to leave but when they separate, Lainey jumps into a pit of Plushies to avoid Megan.
In the Midst of this whole palaver, Lainey gets a Phonecall from Josh at the Ice Rink he works on.
It's a sweet scene...TOO BAD THEY RUIN WITH A FAKE PREGNANT WOMAN TWERKING!
So it happens, Lainey on the rebound of a bad break up, fakes a Pregnancy and finds then finds the man of her dreams-I know, Happens all the Time (!)
Kate has some bad news for Lainey. She Doesn't want her in the delivery roomfor her birth ("What has your Husband done recently to have for the Birth of your child over your best friend "? That's really a Line from this movie!)
Kate sees through all this, this Jealousy. They call each other childish names and the scene....Just ends they segue to a student finding a Bl*nt and the teachers pocket it for later!
On a Boat Date, Lainey and Josh kiss, but Lainey pushes him off when he pulls her closer....AND THE SCENE IS RUINED WITH MORE STR*PPER DANCES WITH A BABY BUMP!
Then, Shock of All Shocks, Dave is on the same boat, and the hamsterwheels of both men's minds are spinning as the lies continue, The "Baby" is not Dave's but a random clerk at Costco. "I Had that Black Friday Fever!"
Next on this toppling towers of lies, Megan arrives at the school, as the Campus holds Post Natal Depression Support group on grounds (of course, Lainey didn't know that!)
To guilt her back on the straight and narrow, in waddles Fallon with her own fake Bump in an attempt to embarrass her-It fails because the ADHD ridden writers thought of a better thing mid scene....Lainey being a last minute babysitter for Megan's child, because her regular babysitter is now pregnant also, when Lainey takes the Subway to Brooklyn, she meets the Mother and Daughter again and the daughter was apparently the babysitter, who is now pregnant, as the mother once more mouths F**k You at Lainey....wait a minute! How The Hell is the daughter this Heavily Pregnant since February, what month are we in now for her to be this showing, but no other pregnant characters are full term?
After reading a trashy celeb magazine article about the Kar-TRASH-ians as a fairy tale to get the young boy to sleep, Josh takes over and somewhere in Amy's Cholesterol Choked Heart, a part of it melts.
BUT THEN THEY RUIN IT NEXT SCENE!
Namely, a S*x scene where Josh is blindfolded and made to wear oven gloves so he doesn't see or touch Lainey's Normal body, It's awkward and it get's worse, recall that Josh has moved into his sister's garage, as during the deed, Lainey hits the door remote accidentally and the two are revealed like a grand Prize on a game show!
Despite all this, they're happy, but then the Guilt and shame finally sets in, and Lainey calls it off, at a school trip that goes Nowhere except having more things to make Fallon more fat and unlikeable than Fat and Unlikeable Amy Schumber, Charlotte whispers something to Kate. She and Lainey are walking together when a Bewildered Kate Asks her best friend why she thought she wasn't invited to the baby shower, just because she wasn't invited to the birth?
It's the day of the party and turns out, Megan was part of Lainey's circle of Friends the Whole time! 20 minutes left and it's time for this tower of lies to come crashing the hell down!
So let's Flush this Turd!
After Lainey and Fallon Repeat the F word a Couple of times, while Fallon drinks coffee with "Milk" she "Milked" from a male Alpaca "YA KNOW WOT, THAT'S BLOODY NOICE, BIT SALTY, MIND!") ACTUAL GODDAM QUOTE, Lainey steals a rotisserie chicken to act as a makeshift bump, But then Shirley has revealed what she whispered to Kate, that she learned that Lainey plans to terminate. So they are treating this Baby-shower as a Pro-Life Intervention, Live Streamed to their School District's Social Media. Kate is Disgusted that Lainey is put on the spot for a decision that's hers to make, but this is what makes Lainey Confess, Naturally Everyone is p*ssed, Megan especially, who shared a very revealing secret, given that secret is the reason she is seeking therapy! It's so bad even Charlotte realizes that she went too far! On a Bench Later, Kate reveals she's not Angry, In fact Jealousy or not, Lainey was more involved with the Baby Prep than Not-Tom Greene, who has only put in a tenth of the attention Lainey has. Lainey tells her the Baby will be the luckiest baby because she will have both parents, which is one more than they had! A Month after this, Megan gives birth and Lainey asks for forgiveness, which she Does, Josh...Not so Much, who runs for it on first sight into the garage, the door rises and in an attempt to drop it down, is suspended in the air and Force to listen to a rambling apology that tangents into a rant about Creamed Corn ending it with an actual point-She asked the Bitter Divorcée if her ever did anything stupid for love....But then we get her next scene Gaslighting Dave into thinking he's the father, just proving the ambitious Polygamist that he was never "The One!"
Time goes on, Kate gives Birth, Fallon learns how to swim, and Lainey (SOMEHOW!) Still has a job and she returns to teaching English Straight, everything is Normal until a Zamboni drives onto school grounds as a terrible version of Abba's Take A Chance On me plays out! To Answer Her question, Josh reveals he once stole his own car to claim insurance to buy his ex-wife a handbag. What he did was stupid, what she did was the act of a Sociopath, But SHE'S HIS Sociopath! And so Lainey mounts and takes the wheel of the zamboni and ride into the sunset....and cause thousands of dollars of Vehicular Damage in the process!
THIS FILM SUCKS!
The humour is horrid, all the characters are jerks, the Jokes if you can call them that are predictable jokes about Millennials and Gen Z, like Coffee shops calling your name wrong or Students Using ChatCPT to cheat and off course for this film all the social norms when it comes to pregnancy, which were never challenged. A lot of Non-American Actors here, No Doubt they were sold a bill of goods and a promise to "Break America" with this film. Urzilla Carlson's Hollywood career may have ended before it got started. Just ask Will Forte, who hadn't being in another film since another film I panned, the Equally Risible McGruber, that was 15 years ago, Being in a film that terrible for so many years must of tainted his career that films this bad are the only work he can get.
Then there's the Moral of this film, Or More Rightly, the Consequences. Lainey Suffers None! Sure, in her Acts of Fraud there were no Monetary or Material gain and if the woman who bought her a burrito did sue her, the small claims court would throw it out, But She did lie Publicly on her Employers' School's Social Network. Which if the PTA of that school found her So untrustworthy to teach their children, she could...and no doubt would be fired!
And going back to the acting and I'm Pretty Sure teaching a 3 year old to Mime Stabbing Motions and Stabbing Sounds Counts as Child Endangerment!
Kinda Pregnant Sucks and I Apologize for Wasting Everyone's Time in telling you Something you already Knew!
CREDITS
Kinda Pregnant was Reviewed Compiled and Edited By Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli On Twitter/X)
With Media From:
Kinda Pregnant
Grown Ups
Anchorman: The Legend Of Ron Burgundy
Police Squad
MST3K
Kinda Pregnant was Produced By Happy Madison Productions For Netflix
All Rights Reversed. All Media used belong to their Respective Owners.
NEXT MONTH ONLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE!....
IT'S THE LAST READERS CHOICE OF THE YEAR AND A NEW POLL IS OPEN
Here are our 3 Choices which remain to be picked
And The New Number 4, an animation that has being blowing up Social Media!
The Magical Girl Genre combines with the Korean Culture Trend spearheaded by Netflix with a series which I was told will Scratch that Magical Girl Itch you'll have Waiting for Miraculous to Get Better! (IT WON'T!)
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