Sometimes When you look at something you have to ask....
"WHY?"
Why does this exist?
WHO ASKED FOR THIS?
Case in point-a dozen of Sitcom's unfunniest Actors and one Washed-up Hugh "P*RV-O" Grant, In a film about, of all things-the invention of Pop-Tarts.
THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS OF A NEW FILM!
THE FOLLOWING FILM IS RATED 12 FOR COMEDIC VIOLENCE, LANGUAGE, INNUENDO AND SOME OUTDATED THINKING! SOME WORDS WILL BE EDITED FROM NOW ON!
So Netflix may not have physical Covers but the films still come with Promotional Artwork and HOOO BOY! They have a lot of busywork on this poster!
On top and front and centre are the Trifecta of Over-rated and Unfunny-Jerry Seinfeld, Melissa "Screaming Falling down Fat Woman" McCarthy and Amy Schumer The Hutt! Underneath Seinfeld's big grin, a Pop-tart blasts from a toaster like a rocket and underneath from the smoke, all the chaos this little breakfast food for Scum parents who couldn't be ar*ed to feed their kids properly in the mornings, namely exploding cows, Kellogg's vans being robbed by kids (this scene was removed but it remains in the Blooper reel!), Jim Gattigan doing some spying, Christian Slater dressed as a Psychotic Milkman, Grant having his career Low, Yer Man from the US office with the teeth dressed as an astronaut and 3 Guys dressed as Snap, Crackle and Pop. All this causes a second Seinfeld and McCarthy to run for their lives!
The Film Starts with a Boy packing all his belongings in a Bindle and walks into a Diner, he orders 2 Pop-Tarts and asks the Restaurant owner to leave the Box, he asks the Runaway if he had a bad day, the Boy reads the Comic on the box Claiming, the invention of Pop Tarts was Pies created by a "Grandma Kellogg". The man drinking coffee beside him, says that is a bunch of Baloney and the Boy asks him how does he know, that's when the camera Pans up to reveal Jerry Seinfeld.
To Distract the Child from Vagrantism, Bob Cabana, Kellogg's Marketing Man on a Mission tells the story of his partial creation. Let's go back to the 1960s, a Simpler Time where Breakfast was Milk and Cereal, and after Introducing Milkman Mike (Christian Slater) we are introduced to Battle Creek, Michigan, The Cereal Capital of America, home to Kellogg's and Post.
Any one in Europe be like,
We Cut to, not surprisingly for this film, A WHOLE LOT OF A*S!, as we get a Close up of Harry Kellogg's (Jim Gaffigan) Butt using a Hemmoroid Massage Reel, After Harry and Bob Go through A Conversation that boils to "Kids are Stupid, They"ll buy anything we tell them!" Bob is sent to his first Issue of the day. We Cut to Tony The Tiger, Played by Mr Divine Intervention himself, Hugh P*rv-o Grant!
Seeing this Muppet dressed like that in a Film this Bad Is the Gift that keeps on giving! Grant plays Thurle Ravenscroft, Classically trained Ac-TOR Who thinks this is beneath him.
Art Should Be Imitating Life Here!
Thurle Sarcastically greets Bob because the Director wants a retake on a cereal ad, time he needs to audition for King Lear, so In a fit of frustration, Thurle rolls his Rs in pronouncing Great, and a Catchphrase is born.
Bob Cabana as the RnD guy has a lot on his plate....err....Bowl....his actors are unhappy, his products unhealthy and his focus groups dahm near Kidnap children for their Opinion!
But Tonight is a Special Night in Battle Creek, It's Bowl and Spoon Awards. The table top Rivalry between Kellogg's and Post, As Marjorie Post (Schumer) Believes her Fruity Pebbles will stop Kellogg's from winning the whole spread.
OH POST MAKES FRUITY PEBBLES, I AT LEAST HEARD OF THEM, ITS NICE THAT FRED FLINTSTONE IS THE MASCOT TO SOMETHING SOMEWHAT HEALTHIER THAN CIGARETTES!
Ms Post gets into Kellogg's Head that Post is onto Something big, after making fun of the Actual Quaker, who owns Quaker Oats (" Hello Isaiah Lamp, You planning to make anything NEW this year?") Kellogg's sweep the board of the awards show they own. However the Post Contingent are acting like they have an ace in the hole.
The next day, Bob sees a Strange Sight, two kids load themselves into post Cereal Skips as they are dumped into the Garbage Van, as the two kids struggle to get out of the Garbage Truck to get into the next skip. Bob asks what is going on and the trash collector says the kids have being going into the skips for months to grab what the collector describes as "THE GOO!"
Curious, Bob finds two Hillbilly Children, Scabby and Butchie, off their little heads on Run off Gluten that had Baked Into Biscuits in the sun. The girl offers it like a Spl*ff at a Festival and Covered in excessively Sugary Jam, the Monstrously Sweet Combo's Taste overloads Bob's Adult Pallet and gives him a very angry Realization.
"Post are Creating A Fruit Filled Dingus!"
This is Bad for Kellogg's, if Post creates a Breakfast food that's easier to prepare than Cereal, Then Kellogg's has lost the Cereal Wars. Bob's dream of putting his kids through college and owning real grass on his lawn maybe over!
So Post has Confirmed it's new Product on the news, as Harry Puts his best man in the job, Chester Slick, Head of Security and his Camera Mop, who uncovered the Viscous Goo of the product until Marjorie tells the Fake Janitor to get the mop out of her Face!
In Post's office we see Post had stolen Bob's own research into a Making A Dingus, the only reason they have Kellogg research is that Post sent their own Fake Janitor spy with a Badly disguised Camera, this time front and centre on a Floor Buffer!
Alternatives like Fruit Purée in Sardine cans and Corn puffs filled with cream corn don't cut the mustard. But Bob has an Idea-Bring back "Stan". Harry is shocked thinking Bob fired "Stan" because he hated "Stan". Bob says he only fired HER! Because she was Fat and Annoying!
Fat And Annoying?
Why that could only be one person....
Yes, Working in Cape Canaveral as NASA's Food Scientist is Donna Stankowski (Melissa McCarthy) After Bob Convinces Her no way in Hell, they are letting a Food Scientist on the moon, Stan just leaves to return to Kellogg's. And I guess Contracts and Government patents she may have claims on and the legal ramifications of just upping and leaving don't exist in this fantasy land!
In Post, Marjorie has found the two Dumpster Divers and Planned in suing them for eating Company property, Instead she has her Toadie Ludwig to get her the Prototype Toastable Snack, However despite catching fire and Shocking Ludwig, she instead shoves untoasted Prototypes onto the children. The Verdict "Better than what they find in the dumpster" gives Marjorie a Twisted Smile!
After a Cereal Buffet, Donna, Bob and Harry get to Business, Kellogg wants their entire man power being Betting Post, But Donna has a Better Idea-Outside Sources. she Already had A List of people "And they are already on a plane!....well he lives here and he's on a bus.... and Einstein is Dead....but you get the idea!"
So Kellogg's has a Press Conference to Announce it's Race for the Breakfast Dingus: And they have Assembled a Winning team of Outside Sources, in Marketing, in Design, in Food and Nutrition. The Kellogg's Taste Pilots (Consisting of 5 Different Yer Man from 5 Different Sitcoms!) the Team of Soft Serve Ice-cream inventor, Tom Carvell, Bicycle maker Steve Scwin, Chef Boyardee, Shopping channel Nutritionist John Lelaine, Sea Monkeys Inventor Harold Von Braunhut and IBM's Univach computer!
Already this Brain trust is a bust, Scwin doesn't know why he's here, Carvell is Rude to reporters and Harold Von Braunhut...Well I'd leave that to your own Google Search, but given it's a German Man in the 1960s, the reporters ask him where he was 20 years ago!
But it's not all good news! The Milkman are afraid that the existence of a Breakfast Dingus would cut into their Bottom Line and put them out of jobs. so Harry warns Bob and Donna that they are angering very Dangerous people. After all why do you think they put Missing people on Milk Cartons? As a WARNING NOT TO MESS AROUND WITH MILKMEN!
Week 2 of Dingus production and Cracks are starting to show, Braunhut reveals Sea Monkeys to be the scam that they are, Boyardee fears deportation because of Debt and someone has Programmed the Supercomputer to be Sexist!
While Schumer continues to be unpleasant to anyone with a P*nis, (SHE'S NOT ACTING!) Thurle Ravenscroft comes in dressed as King Lear with his Troupe, he reveals that under Contract to play Tony the Tiger in ads and appearances, that he, when he gets other Roles, gets to Grace Kellogg's with Much Needed Cultural Refinement. But it can wait, Marge post has called a Meeting of the Five Cereal Families tonight.
There is only one Matter to Discuss, The Dingus and who's making one, with everyone else out, Marjorie has some unreasonable demands: For her new product she wants Child Eye-level Shelving and advertising during the most popular cartoons on Saturday mornings and to expect to be given in on those demands when her Product lands on shelves-NEXT WEEK!
Defeated, Donna Complains about the Keebler Cookies Marjorie supplied, pining over the fact that despite being sweet and half covered in Chocolate, they are never sugary enough, that's when Bob has a lightbulb moment!
This brings the two Kellogg's Reps to Puerto Rico, to meet with a Sugar Baron called El Sucre, who straight up they portray the only Hispanic Character as a Gangster, they buy all the Baron's Sugar but the Unhinged Baron is a man who hates Disrespect, as evidenced when a Ventriloquist's Dummy insulting him is shot! Not the Ventriloquist, The Dummy, because he said it!
Back in America, Harry and Marjorie continue to Spy on Each other, Marjorie Nearly Bludgeons Ludwig to death for even Suggesting making healthier Products for children.
The next day, Milkman Mike threatens Bob, At Kellogg's each of the Experts used Kellogg's time to make their own products and nothing resembling cereal, Boyardee was on to something with a Square, But he baked Sea Monkeys into it! And the Supercomputer predicts Post wins, Which Upsets Harry "I didn't need a Million Dollar Abacus to tell me it's all Garbage!"
While throwing out the patents, Bob meets the Dumpster Divers who new obsession is combining Stale rice Krispies with left over marshmallows. ("it's a real Treat!") They tell Bob Sometimes instead of Making something new, you should combine what you have. Boyardee was into Something, with the Shape, but everyone had contributed a Philosophy to the Pop-Tarts project. Carvell the name kids trust, Lelaine with a Foil Surface that keeps the inside hot like his Sauna Pants, and Scwin making things small and more accessible to kids like his bikes. For instance, kids cannot use an oven, but they can use a toaster.
"Stan, My Friend, I do believe we just split the atom of Breakfast!"
ACTUAL QUOTE!
To get a Bigger, Cheaper Stock of Sugar, Post goes to the USSR to make a deal for their supply, in exchange for American Style Children's Cereal for the Russian Market-Borscht Loops, Krumblins, and Count Vodkala, Which Ludwig is strongarmed into eating a 90% proof Alcohol Flake ! And the Russian Minister will only seal the deal, if one of them has "THE S*X!" With him, and given Ludwig is Bleeding from the poisoned flake, he suggests his boss takes one for the Team.
Milkman Mike Kidnaps Bob and brings him to Friendly Farm to talk with his boss, Frank Friendly (Peter Dinklage), who despite being a little person, tortures Bob by locking him a cow shed, Mrs Cabana is upset that Bob had being mentally scarred by being literally Crapped on for hours before being found. Bob is out the Project until a helicopter lands on his lawn, there is someone who wants Kellogg's to succeed.
JFK!
Word that Post has Started Treason Season by trading In Soviet Sweetener has not gone down well, So the Government had Put the Kibosh on Caribbean Ships including Kellogg's Puerto Rican Shipment, because the Cuban Ships trading Sugar also had Weapons in board, yes Kellogg's was Front and centre to the Cuban Missile Crisis! Kellogg's needs their Sugar Shipment to even have a Chance to beat Post and their Commie Cereal. But they want a favour, they want the Milkmen off their backs, JFK says The Sucre Baron not being paid on time is their problem, but he will get Bobby to cut spending by the Dairy industry!
In a Bar, Thurle and Milkman Mike Vent their Hatred for Kellogg's. Venting quickly becomes a Plot for revenge.
Week 6 and Test Cooking the Dingus is treated like a NASA Launch, Steve is dressed as a Spaceman hooked up to a working Oxygen tank, he cranks up the heat of the toaster to maximum and eats it. The test is a Success! Then the oxygen tank is dislodged and Steve explodes when the gas is exposed to the toaster.
Okay....Did Kellogg's just Confess to K*lling a Bike company executive in the 60's?
Actually I had to Google Search this. There is a Scwin Bicycle company, but there was never a Stephen Schwin. It was founded by an Ignacio Schwin, but he died of a stroke in 1948.
Kellogg's didn't blow a guy up making Pop-Tarts!
"NOT THIS TIME! IT NEVER HAPPENED! WE MADE IT UP!"
So Stephen Schwin is Buried with quote "Full Cereal Honours" in his service to Cereal. The Mass is served by Isaiah Lamp, the Quaker Oats Quaker. The Mascots are Pallbearers, Toucan Sam Sings Ava Maria in a Baritone voice, as Schwin is buried in a six foot hole with milk and cereal. As Steve's Widow looks on in bewilderment, as his coffin rises to the top, Snap, Crackle and Pop Fold a Paper prize like Soldiers folding a Flag to present to this verklempt widow.
I Think the Correct Response to seeing this scene, is the picture of Kenny Omega having another wrestler's finger up his ar*e on Japanese television and his defence in having it done to him by claiming that "It's ART!"
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| "OH IT'S ART!" |
At the funeral are all four factions who want to see Kellogg's Fail, The Milkmen, The Russians, The Sucre Boys and the Mascots led by Thurle, who learns that Pop-Tarts will have no mascot, So no Cereal Means no Actors to bring Mascots to life. So Thurle Proposes A Strike.
The interception of Cuban missiles had inadvertently caused a Missile crisis, so Harry does what he can to the end the cereal war, and that's have an Affair with Marjorie Post, Thankfully we don't see Schumer undress as she is frightened off by Ravioli Boy (There is a side plot that Boyardee and Von Braunhut created a Pasta/Sea Monkey hybrid that escaped into Kellogg's Vent!)
As the Mascots Strike, John Hamm makes his cameo Revising the Role from that show noone watched the First time around, to spin the market for The Dingus, he in Mad Men fashion, shows boxes Of "Jelle Jolie" with Women in Negligees. after all, s*x Sells.
WOW! 28 MINUTES LEFT AND YOU ACTUALLY MADE ME LAUGH! THANK YOU, NEW SIX DEGREES ACTOR-MAN!
So desperate for feedback, they get the Hillbilly Children to rat on everything Post said Infront of them. Butchy gets curious of Harry's Butt Massager, and his candy necklace gets caught on the reels, making him dizzy enough to have random letters spin on the blackboard when his vision comes back to him. The name of the Dingus will be...
TRAT POP!
So for Comedy's sake that becomes the name and Harry fires all the Mascots in favour of cartoons this leads to Thurle modifying his Costume to Bad Taste Levels!
A FDA Man Stalls Signing the Approval Contract, that Post has already Launched Country Squares as the Mascot's Union, even mascots of products that are not cereal are participating in raiding Kellogg's HQ, But Bob, sick of Mr Muntz' Stalling, grabs his Stamp of Approval and signs the Signature himself, causing Thurle, Snap Crackle and Pop to make a Dignified Retreat now the bill has past....or as Dignified as grown men in Costumes can be!
The News Goes out that the Mascot Riot is over a new product but thanks to Walter Cronkite reading the name backwards imprinted on a piece of Silly Putty (LOOK THE FILM IS NEARLY OVER, DON'T QUESTION IT!) 45 Million people think the new product is called "Pop Tarts" and you know what, the name grows on everyone!
There is a literal race between truckers supplying Pop Tarts and Country Squares. Harry gets a Call, POP TARTS COMPLETELY DESTROYED COUNTRY SQUARES! "It's because no child ever would want to be a Square, or admit he or she's from the Country!" Bob Holds up 2 of the prototypes in each arm, claiming that "These 2 Pop Tarts are most the important pair of Slabs Since the Ten Commandments!"
And so Bob ends his Story with more lies about real People and things, Claiming Ravioli Boy was Adopted and Raised by Harold Von Braunhut and Chef Boyardee, Carvell and Lelaine set up gyms and Ice-cream parlours next to each to profit of Human Hypocrisy, Thurle was Tried as a Terrorist, Univach was Drafted to Vietnam, Milkman Mike may have Assassinated JFK, They did tell the Truth on Marjorie Post, that she was a celebrated Female executive and a Feminist Icon, who used her wealth to created the Margo-Largo resort, now Back to the lies!
Stan left Kellogg's once more to become a Hippy inventing A Thing that Harry finds Disgusting called "Granola", and Bob made enough money to put his kids through college and have real grass on his lawn, but not before being nearly Assassinated by Andy Warhol for creating a product named very closely like "Pop-Art"
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| "Your Fifteen Minutes are Up, Cabana!" |
ACTUAL F*CKING QUOTE!
But he was Saved by the Foil wrapped Pop-Tart in his jacket pocket that stopped the bullet!
And so the film ends with the runaway, Frank, Distracted long enough for his parents to find him and bring him home, when he turns to thanks Bob, Ravioli Boy peeps out of Bob's Jacket pocket and calls Frank's name, and the boy reacts like the end of a Holiday movie, like the man he was talking to all this time was Santa Clause!
And the Film Ends with a Blooper Reel, and like I said at the end of another stinker, Meet The Millers, If your Comedy film can't be funny in the time Allotted, Then you are just Wasting everyone's time!
THIS FILM HAS 5 RAZZIES BEING PENDED AT THIS YEAR'S AWARDS, 3 FOR STAR, WRITER AND DIRECTOR JERRY SEINFELD! IT'S THAT BAD!
"The Preceding Story was False, They were LIES! But, they are ENTERTAINING Lies. and in the end, isn't that the greatest truth of all?"
The Answer Sadly ....is no!
They Couldn't make a Good True Story so they padded it With Lies and Tasteless Tired Jokes about JFK'S Philandering, faking the moon landing and Drunk Rushkis that would have being Tired and played out 6 decades ago! Shocker to absolutely No-one, But Seinfeld, McCarthy and Schumer's Comedy are as Welcome as a Fart in a Church, With Schumer Adding her Signature Crudeness and Spite as you would expect. Sequences are introduced just to have people scratch their heads in confusion, like a Ventriloquist giving his dummy CPR after the doll was shot, Or the "Full Cereal Honours" sequence being Monumentally Stupid! I knew this "Biopic" was Baloney the Moment the Actors winked at the camera and hand-waved Future Events like Jackie Kennedy remarrying Aristotle Onassis and the failed Insurrection, thus Proving one thing: A Biopic on the true Story of the Breakfast For Lazy Hungover Parents was too Boring to Play straight.
The American Author Mark Twain once wrote "Never Let Something as Small as the Truth get in the way from a Good Story". Well, Seinfeld Lied for an hour and half, and it was still bad!
CREDITS
Unfrosted was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited, By Eamonn Bermingham @RealEnli on twitter
With Media from:
Unfrosted
Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction
The Simpsons
All Media used belong to their respective owners.
Unfrosted was Produced by Columbus 81 productions for Netflix
NEXT MONTH ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE
From a Surefire Razzie to a film that was Snubbed out of Oscars. This years St Patrick's Special is a Controversial one, The Fly on the wall style Irish Language Film following Belfast Hip-hop Band, KNEECAP!
THE 2 DEATHS OF E!
CHAPTER 7- PILGRIM OF THE DIGITAL PLAIN.
For the First time since Being on Harmonus Eamonn felt Happy,
But, unlike that were he was practically in a simulation, this was Genuine, as like the Devil's Fragment had no Physical form, he took was No longer bound to The Grey Area. He had will again, but there was a problem.
Will is all well and good, but he was Aimless.
Scratch that, Rewind it!
He HAD A Goal: to get home, but this was not being stuck in another country. This was being stuck in a different plain, he was on Earth but those people he encountered were just Echoes of people having thoughts that were Discarded like A sweetie paper, fleeting things that are quickly tossed and forgotten!
Still he had no idea what this power was, who gave it to him, or even what it looked like. He knew he had 2 power gloves and yes he was no longer naked, but he longed for the power to pull items from dvds to borrow a mirror.
His plan was lay low and try to convince the Appraisers of Will to free him. However since they are convinced to be the only proprietors of Will in the Universe, The Creatures are Treasures given voice and opinion, Tiferet had an ego when he insulted him, and no doubt the others are powerful enough in magic, after all how could be be living treasure and not be the target for thieves?
No. For now, Given their Egos. It was time to act dumb. To Wait and Watch. To find a chink in their armour.
Not knowing that a rescue party was being made... whether 2 members wanted to or not!
