It's now the end of the Year, so that means it's time for a toy tie-in!....and Strap in because this is gonna be one hell of a sleigh ride!
The Ugly Doll was Co-Created by two illustrators who were in Correspondence with each other, an American called David Horvath and a Korean woman, now his wife named Sun-Min Kim, who had returned to South Korea while her Visa was being Reissued and taking longer than expected. One day, David Drew A character called Wage to remind his fiancé to work hard for one's dream.
Months later, Sun-Min would Gift David a Homemade Plushie of the Character and the others would follow. And with Sun-Min's return to America, the two would marry and Start building a greetings cards empire!
So let's see how much Saccharin we can digest, This is the last review of 2022-This is Ugly Dolls
Oh God, This Hurts my Eyes!
The Bright Yellow background and the Clustered Multicoloured Clumps that are the Teletubbies' Tampons known as the Ugly Dolls massed Together is Garish looking. Though stationary, they don't look obnoxious, (Except for Lucky Bat Raising its leg like a Pissing Dog!) Like Clifford last month, it's different when they are in motion and speaking!
Also in the Back, Lou (Nick Jonas) looks like the kind of Doll that would build A Wall around Uglyville and make the Ugly Dolls pay for it!
The Film starts in a toy factory, where Automated Work Turns Felt and Fluff into Toys. But Sometimes, the Machines get it wrong and tosses the mistakes into a Furnace, but we Follow some toys thrown down the chute, and we see a pipe covered in Ice lolly sticks, who would do such a thing?
The Citizens of Uglyville, that's who!
The Sun rises (Somehow, in a Underground Bunker in a Factory!) Waking up Ugly Dog (Pitbull, who will no doubt Curse in Spanish, call Women Whores, then Call Women Whores....In Spanish!) And that wakes up Moxy (Kelly Clarkson) who sings about how every child and every doll are made for each other, as she Draws being played by a child, in A bit of Foreshadowing we don't see the Child's face!
Of all the Ugly Dolls, Moxy wants to be Sold to a child. She had Convinced herself that she will be chosen today, and Yesterday, and the day before that! And the day before that...and so on!
There's Perseverance, and there is being too Dumb to Quit!
Actually, maybe it's better for her not to leave, as her Can-Do Attitude and Positive Personality makes living in Uglyville that much better! A fact that Mayor Oxley (Blake Shelton) points out....in Song!
Then Wage Turns up....and she's Voiced by Wanda Sykes!
.......
THIS FILM SUCKS!
CREDITS
Ugly Dolls was Reviewed, Compi.....
Okay! Okay! I did that because you know what this film is really like, and Sorry to any Wanda Sykes fans out there, but of all the Film's I've reviewed with her in them, they were Terrible, with her being the worst part in them, Sorry, but if you see one scene of her wagging her finger going "Mmmhmm!", You've seen them all!
Oh, and Gabriel Iglesias is here too!
Out the Chute, what was supposed to be a Duckie, is now reborn as Wedgehead, as Ugly Dog starts Rapping.
At the end of the Day and song, (no, seriously are the songs that long or the are days that short? Put it down to an artificial sun in a Bunker but still!)
Oxley says that things really can't get better than making this Community of Outcasts, But Moxy Still Believe that the Big World and Children are real. But Oxley just Doesn't want to see Moxy's heart broken.
The next day, Moxy is having tea with Distant Admirer Lucky Bat, (Wang Lee Hom) who wants her to stay more than anything, being the lucky one, Moxy wants her Fortune read via Tea Leaves, But she Interprets them as literally "LEAVE" so she drags Lucky, Ugly Dog, Babu (Iglesias) and Wage to the mountain the chute is held, if Dolls fall to Uglyville, then maybe they lead to The Big World!
So Babu is a Handyman who seemingly has Hammerspace Pockets but is also Stupid as he pulls out items that could easily travel to a tall place Easily but instead opts to putting a Lasso on Ugly Dog and throwing up him into the chute, using him as an anchor as the others climb up.
After Sykes Earns her Paycheck by wagging her finger and tells us "Momma Don't Like That!", All 5 Skittles with arms and legs join Moxy on her Voyage up the Garbage Chute!
Soon they Fall into a Combining Chute filled with Templates for Humanoid dolls. A Robotic Voice welcomes the Templates and Ugly Dolls to the Institute of Perfection. Once Properly Sewn, the Dolls will be prepared via a Finishing School to prepare them to be Gift Ready for Children, with Moxy Wide-eyed At it all.
We know what way the bread is buttered when Individualisation Pods give Gender and Roles to the Rag Dolls which are all "High Paying Job/Model" Moxy breaks a Pod as the Ugly Dolls try to Mingle with the Ragdolls to predictably bad Results.
4 mean Girl Dolls-Including the one from the cover so *SPOILERS BUT NOT REALLY* Exclaim that Lou won't be happy that some Riff Raff has arrived at Perfection Township!
So Lou introduces himself via Song who comes off as a Mixture of Televangelist and Elitist Prick! He has the other Ragdolls eating out of his Crocheted hand, If he told them to drink Bleach to cure COVID, They'll Start Slurping it in Bucketfuls!
He insults everyone's looks in song (Which is Rich, given the whole premise is teaching Dolls to Make them acceptable to leave) until he has a field day Insulting the Ugly Dolls.
Dejected, the others turn to leave, but Moxy Ain't going Nowhere, she is going to Train to be a perfect doll, which the others Capitulate to. Lou tells us the Final Exam is a Gauntlet- An Automated Human House of Some Sort! So he as Leader of Perfection Township invites the Ugly Dolls to compete for his own Shit and giggles! He Orders Mandy (Janelle Monae), the ragdoll from the Boxart to show his "Guests" to the "Supply Suite", as he orders the other Underlings to find out more about this.... Uglyville!
*SPOILERS BUT NOT REALLY!* Mandy is Short Sighted and needs glasses to see. The Supply Suite is Exactly that, A Janitorial Supply Shed....
Is Everyone Else Uncomfortable about the Ramifications of a world with only 2 Black Dolls Forcing this film's only other Black Actor, an Asian Actor and 2 Latino Actors to live in a Janitor's Shed?
OK, SO ITS NOT JUST ME?
At this Rate, the Doll played by Gabriel Iglesias is gonna have his own Racist Gift Basket!
Mandy Bumps into a wall Revealing from her pocket he Glasses, she Cries that she needs this to be kept a Secret, as perfect dolls have no flaws, So she needs this kept as a Secret.
Meanwhile Lou had sent 3 other mean Girl Dolls to Infiltrate Uglyville (Voices of Overrated Fake View Bimbos with Songs from Shampoo ads, Charlie X.C.S.L.U.T, Boobie Rip-Shirt and Piss-O!) And yes, I don't give two fucks what their real or professional names are, given that you could replace them with any other fake Singers with Fake View counts on YouTube, given that all 3 are signed to Vevo, a Company that now has new songs posing as Ads to MAKE YOU LISTEN! So yes, Vevo could have sent anyone for Cynical Self-Promotion in this 90-minute advert!
So the trio kidnap Oxley. Another Day starts and Lou is Teaching about Kids and their propensity for getting dirty, so his class is about staying clean, which our heroes fail!
So Lou Tricks the Ugly Dolls to Enter a Shining metal Door into "The Big World"...Which turns out to be a Washing Machine...And this scene is framed like A Gas Chamber in a War Movie, A minority was Tricked, trapped in a metal Chamber and a White Blonde Leader takes Great pleasure in telling his Flock not to end up "LIKE THE LIKES OF THEM!"
But there is another lesson to the washer, Lou teaches that the more a doll is washed, the less a human would want it. No matter how much a child loves you, if you are average at best, broken at worst, you are trash!
That....is more brutal than it needed to be!
Montage of the Ugly Dolls Being Put through Constant Sabotage and Multiple Washes, As Lou Stacks the Deck in his Favour, However Moxy Won't Give up Without a Fight, Despite Lou's Passive Aggressive and Just Plain Aggressive actions. Tomorrow the Ugly Dolls will face the Gauntlet, despite not being ready! The Trio Of mean Girl Dolls return with Oxley in a Sack, turns Out He and Lou know each other!
Moxy tried Creating Costumes to Blend in, But Mandy arrives to Help with this (In Song!), Which Just ends with her own, with her singing about her own Insecurities.
 |
| "HEY, SHE'S NOT HAPPY AT ALL! SHE LIED TO US IN SONG! I HATE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS!" |
The next Day the Newly Dubbed "Pretty Dolls" Dressed just like all the Perfect dolls in uniforms and Wigs meet Lou, who Reveals Oxley, who Reveals the Truth to the Others. Once, Just like them, He ended up in Perfection and tried to run the Gauntlet but had Unknowingly been Sabotaged by his "Good Friend", Lou. Oxley entered the Garbage tube and learned the Ugly Truth: Reject Toys get sent to the furnace and are destroyed, So it was him who sealed the Pipe to Redirect Rejects to a new Chute where Slowly but Surely Uglyville was Founded.
With Broken Hearts the Ugly Dolls return to their home, and with Moxy's Spirits Dashed, Uglyville is now a Depressingly drab, Boulevard of Broken Dreams and Endless Night. the Next day Moxy is Meet by Mandy and she Convinces her (IN SONG OF COURSE!) To return to run the gauntlet, saying that if she never met her, she'd be still hanging off every word Lou says!
So one Song later and Moxy's Confidence is restored, Only for them to turn and be kidnapped by the dolls voiced by the 3 fake "singers"
Lou has a new plan and involves the furnace now that he has removed the barrier. He throws Moxy and Mandy into the flames as an Example to the rest of "those People"!
SO....WHITE PRIVILEGE AND GENOCIDE IN YOUR KIDDIE'S FILM!
GOT IT!
So Moxy is pushed with Mandy Betrayed and Pushed soon after, as Uglyville falls to pieces. Oxley Discovers by shaking Moxy's Sentient Talking Newpaper Press, (NOW THERE'S A SENTENCE!) The Kidnapping, Mandy and Moxy would be destroyed if it wasn't for every Ugly Doll forming a human Chain....er i mean Homunculus Chain to save them, Oxley apologizes for his cowardice, but sees Lou for what he is, if he will Kill anything that looks anything ugly in his eyes, he will kill anything not Perfect, So he needs to be stopped!
It's the Night of the Gauntlet and the Stadium Floor opens to reveal a Human House, when all Of Uglyville arrive to cheer all the Named Heroes as Lou Proves Himself as he will run the Gauntlet too!
Inside, Lou Sacrifices all his underlings into setting off traps, while the Ugly Dolls would show compassion and save them, even if it costs them time off the clock to get the end goal of the other side of the house's back garden! That's when a Robot Baby grabs both Lou and Moxy, and Lou shows his true colours on Camera, when he Pulls a Do You Know Who I Am? and kicks the Baby in the face! Moxy could have reached the finish line, but uses that time to Comfort the crying Baby. Time is over and though the Ugly Dolls have gained Respect, they Lost!
OR DID THEY?
No, because, they all showed Compassion, which the teaching droid tells us is "THE DOLL'S TRUE PURPOSE", They all Pass, except for Lou, but here is the twist!
Lou is a Prototype, the reason he is "Perfect" is that he was not built for Public Consumption. He will never leave for the Big World, but the fact that ANY DOLL, Even the Ugly Dolls could, made him go Mad at The Revelation!
And Try as Oxley Might, Lou Destroys the Portal to the Big World Trapping Both Perfect and Ugly Dolls Alike. Lou is Captured and is given a Fitting Sentence: The Washer!
With Pieces of the Portal Everywhere and CONVENIENTLY! A piece for one doll each, they fix the Portal like a Jigsaw While singing the first song in the film. We then Time Skip to Mayor Oxley twinning Uglyville with Perfection leading to a song of both types of dolls coexisting, The Perfect Dolls embracing New Clothes and Hairstyles. And So the day has FINALLY come! Moxy gets gifted to a child. A girl with the same Gaps in her teeth Moxy has! And So the Credits Roll and reveals the fates of all the characters. Mandy and The other Ugly Dolls are matched with Kids that share their quirks or Skills, while Lou was Punished further by being made into a Janitor!
THIS FILM SUCKS!
I have not seen a More Spiteful, Hypocritical, Obnoxious Talking Down to Children disguised as a film for them! In fact, I Haven't seen a film for Kids This bad since Thunderpants, a film I reviewed In the first year of this Blog. And, for A Film about Body Image and the evils of Popularity, it IS FUCKING RICH! when it stars a singer who WON A POPULARITY CONTEST! And has Lizzo who, despite being Plus-Size, had her song shoved down people's Throats by Vevo's Insidious Campaign of making Songs into Ads on Youtube!, And there is also the Problematic Existence of this World of Perfection Township that has only 2 Black dolls and No Asians!
I WAS EXPECTING A 90-MINUTE AD-THIS WAS FAR WORSE!
CREDITS
Ugly Dolls was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited and By Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli on Twitter)
With Media From:
Ugly Dolls
MST3K
The Simpsons
Ugly Dolls was Produced by STX Family. All Rights Reserved. All Media used belong to their respective Owners!
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND I WILL SEE YOU ALL HOPEFULLY IN 2023! Please Kept an Eye Out on my main Blog enlightenedtowers.blogspot.com In January when I reveal my Schedule including the first review of the New Year!
