(Previously on Bogger box office....
The world is under threat....a meteorite is hurdling towards Earth...And our only Hope, our Hero has being ended up in a Paradise planet....with a wife and Children?....meanwhile unabated the meteorite journey of destruction gets closer, and the Express Train to Hell crumbled in the mass of the rock SatanicOstrich is now free from Hell...which means that Earth is under threat by something more sinister!)
(We Cut to Casa Di Culchie, Where Joe-Jack is trying to man the Mission control for the Train to Hell....However this man can't even Open a door without the intrusions written on them...not helped by the him being illiterate)
Eamonn...come in!.....PLEASE YA GOTTA BE HERE.....WHERE R YA!.....WE CANT LOSE ANUDDER WAN!....
AW PUR MISSER EAMONN....
(Behind Joe-Jack and Mammie, a puff of smoke and a red flash of flame revealed a 8ft monstrosity of scales, feather, and pink lacey underwear!)
QUE PASA, BITCHES? WHERE THE FUCK IS MY TRAIN?
(Joe-Jack pointed to the monitor, the wreckage of the train bent over the curvature of the massive rock,)
MY BABY! WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO YOU?
(Ostrich dropped to his knees sobbing, when Mammie came over and gave him an affectionate pat on his shoulder)
Don' Worry, Doggie, I'll give you a nice bowl o' meet fer ya afta dinna!
-SHE THINKS I'M AN ANIMAL?
-She's Auld and Not Well, Tellin' her that ye r da Divil will only mak' mattahs worsht!
-Well I don't know how they can get any better!
(AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!)
You know you can Laugh at Boom Boom Bay and his Explosion Fetish, You can mock Luke Besson, for casting Supermodels Less Emotive than the CGI And rubber suits in the same film.
But here is a rare Paradox in Sci-fi, a film at it most expensive and Frugal...as 3 oscar winner actors and a skeleton crew of extras were filmed entirely in front of a green screen, Speaking of colours, hope you like black, grey and Shit Brown, because this world was painted by an Emo's Pallet
And a Boring World is heralded By a Boring Cover, Jet Black with 3 small headshots of our mains, a Disinterested Jude Law, Gwyneth Paltrow holding a camera and looking like she just remembered she left the oven on at home and Pirate Angelina Jolie! at the Bottom of the title, a giant robot invades the city of....BLACK RECTANGLES! And it has a skull on the front of it!
We open in the Snowy November Skies above New York as the Hindenburg 3 Flies into Landing As an Old Man Conceals Vials Into his pockets.
The Man, A German Doctor called Vargas Asks A bellboy to Deliver a Message and a parcel to a Dr Jennings, He speaks German But the Bellboy can read English and Vargas fears being followed, the Next Day Vargas is Missing, as reported by Polly Perkins
We Cut to Polly (Paltrow) in her office at the Chronicle Newspaper, when she is given a pair of cryptic set of clues, A book On Newtonian Law and A cinema Ticket, A message Inside the Book Tells her to come alone!
Pollie's Motivation is your Typical Hard-Nosed Intrepid Reporter, who can get any respect because she's (GASP!) A WOMAN!
So She Goes to the Cinema. the film is Wizard of Oz-IRONIC since we seem to be over the Rainbow and the colours left are brown, sepias and greys!
Polly meets the Aforementioned Dr Jennings, who tells her he was Part of a 7-man group who did experiments for the kaiser, but out of guilt Defected, Six Scientists are Missing from the group of seven, not counting the 7th man in front of Polly, and this so called Reporter is thick enough to ask "who's next to be kidnapped"
Polly....
bruh....
On Cue, the Air Raid Sirens go off, But Jennings Gives her a name of the man involved and a blueprint of a robot. the Name- Doctor Kopf. New York are invaded by Robots that look like every Poundshop Robot ever-made. Wrecks havoc in Midtown, so the police call for Back-up: The Sky Captain (Law) Flies into view.
Bullets do Nothing, A grappling Winch Only puts Polly in danger, Only Detonating A mine and taking out a leg, does the Battation of robots retreat, It seems like Polly and the Sky captain know each other, we even learn his real name is Joe!
So This is not an Isolated Incident All players in the war have had Weapons and resources to make them stolen, Sky Captain returns to a Secret Island Base to Refuel. The destroyed Robot is sent to Dex, the q of this film, who has already already made a laser!
So Polly has sneaked onto the Island, she and Joe were a couple, But split after Polly sabotaged his plane, causing him to be captured by the Chinese, because Polly suspected infidelity, she is is about to be thrown out until she hands him the blueprint.
Turns out the robot Attacks were not the first, the Sky Captain Corp has being keeping them a secret for 3 years, usually 1 robot every 6 months, each more sophisticated than the last. Polly's intel brings very little info on Dr Toten Kopf, except he has a,Asian assistant and he ran a secret division called unit 11 and the skull logo on the robots matches the logo on his warehouse in Berlin, so that where we are going!
Checking on Doctor Jennings Safety, Joe and Polly, break into his office when he doesn't answer. Jennings is a doctor of Molecular Minimization, in Layman's terms, Shrinking Big Shit and Growing Small Shit as evidenced by a tiny elephant in a bottle! Jennings Stumbles out, as Joe Finds the doctor's attacker, But stops in his tracks when the Attacker reveals to be....(GASP!) A WOMAN!
Joe's Sudden Chivalry earns him a Karate Chop from Kopf's Asian Assistant, She escapes and Jennings Dies (Don't Worry he Gets Better!) He Hands Polly the Capsules Vargas Gave him, Which she pockets without Sky Captain Knowing!) The Secret Island is Attacked, with Polly arguing that she should join Joe. Polly is a Backseat Flier, in a sad attempt of Levity, Dex has has found the location of the Source of the signal but gets captured!
To Avoid being Blown into the Atlantic, Sky Captain can become a sub....Except last scene a window was shot out so you should be drowning right now!
Returning to base It's being overrun by Robots. With Dex Gone they retreat. Polly finds a stick of Gum and a laser erected against a stone pointing up. At the underside of a girder, Stuck on By Gum is an Atlas Page on Nepal. That must be some sticky-AF Gum to stay there for 2 hours!
On the Long Flight to Nepal, Polly goes Through Jennings Briefcase he was holding when they met, they find Photos of Kopf and a Logbook of every Stolen Resource So far
Landing in Tibet, They Meet Kaji, Joe's Old RAF friend Played by Omid Dwadji, Polly tells Joe she doesn't trust this Muslim man she just meet.
DID YOU KNOW THIS FILM CAME OUT IN 2001?
That Night Kaji tells Joe the signal is being Transmitted from a taboo place...Shangra-La!
With Kaji as his Sherpa, they find Shangra-La, but instead of Verdant fields they find a Futuristic Dome, and an abandoned Mine.
Amidst The Frozen Machinery and Quickly abandoned Living Quarters, Joe Finds a Geiger Counter and switches it on, Finding the whole Mine is contaminated with Uranium....they then realize that Polly is missing so she has to be rescued, because she's (GASP!) A WOMAN!
The kidnappers are after the vials, that Polly pocketed without Joe knowing, after getting them, Joe and Polly are trapped in a vault.
After Bickering, they are rescued by Kaji, but the vault is filled with Dynamite as it explode they dodge a fake green screen explosion that would make Mortal Kombat ANNIHILATION, Proud! Knocked out in the snow, Kopf's Hot Asian Assassin, steals the Vials.
Because they have written themselves into a corner, the heroes wake up naked in Bed with each other, they have being rescued by the people of Shangra-La, or what's left of them. most had being captured by Kopf and made to work in the mine til they died, The heroes clothes were irradiated, so the men are given....exactly the same clothes they had, except Polly who also got a new haircut as well! The only Survivor weak and cancer ridden gives Sky Captain a staff and the Instructions to "Follow Rana" In Return the Survivor wishes for one thing-His Death!
Leaving Kaji, the Staff is actually an Astrolabe, A device for Gaining Direction Under Stars. Assuming "Rana" is the North Star and using the Current Date and his Navigator's Journal...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q3fVj8A-K8E
He Determines that the Co-ordinates Lead to....Nowhere!
Worse Still, his plane is running on empty, but they are close to a RAF refuelling Station, Manned (and i use the term loosely!) By Frankie Cook, You'll get that joke in a minute.
The Outpost is a Flying Fortress, operated by Frankie (Angelina Jolie) So Polly spends all the time staring daggers into Joe For not saying Frankie was (GASP!) A WOMAN!
From Outta Nowhere, Robots Torpedo Onto the flying Fortress, British Reconnaissance have discovered an island equal to the Co-ordinates the Sky Captain was flying towards!
The Torpedo Docks on Kopfs Island is the Only access in, but the British captain has an Ace up her sleeve-the Amphibious Squadron-20 Pilots including herself in Planes that also turn into subs, they also have fishbowls over there heads over normal uniforms so Bam! No Compression
The Amphibious Squadron are attacked by a Giant Enemy Crab!
Quick Attack It's Weak Point For Massive Damage, Frankie Jettisons her plane into the crab, but before Attacking, Frankie Jettisons her Jetpack to escape and that's all of Jolie's screen time!
The Island is Prehistoric ,as evendenced by the Diametra, MegaPhyton and Pterodactyls, But Polly has only one shot on her camera left! So turns out Polly did Sabotage Joe's Plane, But he really was a cheating Douche.
Venturing inside the Factory, We see why Jennings was targeted Miniaturized Animals are being caged and transported into a rocket, Kopf is building an Arc after he plans to Level Society.
Sneaking around is not an option, when Polly's High Heels kicks a loose pebble that hits the Metal Grating Loudly, But are rescued by a flying car manned by Dex, Vargas and Jennings...somehow! He was dead but looks like he got better! They fly off to escape a Battalion of Robots!
We Learn what is in the Vials -"Adam and Eve"-Human Embryos for Kopf's Aryan Eden in Space, and When the Rocket Reaches 100ft the earth will be Incinerated! Kopf is too well guard No-one has seen him!
Dr. Vargas tries to Enter the Inner Sanctum only to be electrocuted to death by 2 Tesla Coils that form a hologram of Kopf's Face (AND YES THAT IS LAURENCE OLIVIER'S FACE AND VOICE!)
Tearing Wires out of the generators, during a long-Winded Villain speech, The Heroes enter the chamber they find Dr Toten Kopf...Long dead!
The world is under threat....a meteorite is hurdling towards Earth...And our only Hope, our Hero has being ended up in a Paradise planet....with a wife and Children?....meanwhile unabated the meteorite journey of destruction gets closer, and the Express Train to Hell crumbled in the mass of the rock SatanicOstrich is now free from Hell...which means that Earth is under threat by something more sinister!)
(We Cut to Casa Di Culchie, Where Joe-Jack is trying to man the Mission control for the Train to Hell....However this man can't even Open a door without the intrusions written on them...not helped by the him being illiterate)
Eamonn...come in!.....PLEASE YA GOTTA BE HERE.....WHERE R YA!.....WE CANT LOSE ANUDDER WAN!....
AW PUR MISSER EAMONN....
(Behind Joe-Jack and Mammie, a puff of smoke and a red flash of flame revealed a 8ft monstrosity of scales, feather, and pink lacey underwear!)
QUE PASA, BITCHES? WHERE THE FUCK IS MY TRAIN?
(Joe-Jack pointed to the monitor, the wreckage of the train bent over the curvature of the massive rock,)
MY BABY! WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO YOU?
(Ostrich dropped to his knees sobbing, when Mammie came over and gave him an affectionate pat on his shoulder)
Don' Worry, Doggie, I'll give you a nice bowl o' meet fer ya afta dinna!
-SHE THINKS I'M AN ANIMAL?
-She's Auld and Not Well, Tellin' her that ye r da Divil will only mak' mattahs worsht!
-Well I don't know how they can get any better!
(AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!)
You know you can Laugh at Boom Boom Bay and his Explosion Fetish, You can mock Luke Besson, for casting Supermodels Less Emotive than the CGI And rubber suits in the same film.
But here is a rare Paradox in Sci-fi, a film at it most expensive and Frugal...as 3 oscar winner actors and a skeleton crew of extras were filmed entirely in front of a green screen, Speaking of colours, hope you like black, grey and Shit Brown, because this world was painted by an Emo's Pallet
And a Boring World is heralded By a Boring Cover, Jet Black with 3 small headshots of our mains, a Disinterested Jude Law, Gwyneth Paltrow holding a camera and looking like she just remembered she left the oven on at home and Pirate Angelina Jolie! at the Bottom of the title, a giant robot invades the city of....BLACK RECTANGLES! And it has a skull on the front of it!
We open in the Snowy November Skies above New York as the Hindenburg 3 Flies into Landing As an Old Man Conceals Vials Into his pockets.
The Man, A German Doctor called Vargas Asks A bellboy to Deliver a Message and a parcel to a Dr Jennings, He speaks German But the Bellboy can read English and Vargas fears being followed, the Next Day Vargas is Missing, as reported by Polly Perkins
We Cut to Polly (Paltrow) in her office at the Chronicle Newspaper, when she is given a pair of cryptic set of clues, A book On Newtonian Law and A cinema Ticket, A message Inside the Book Tells her to come alone!
Pollie's Motivation is your Typical Hard-Nosed Intrepid Reporter, who can get any respect because she's (GASP!) A WOMAN!
So She Goes to the Cinema. the film is Wizard of Oz-IRONIC since we seem to be over the Rainbow and the colours left are brown, sepias and greys!
Polly meets the Aforementioned Dr Jennings, who tells her he was Part of a 7-man group who did experiments for the kaiser, but out of guilt Defected, Six Scientists are Missing from the group of seven, not counting the 7th man in front of Polly, and this so called Reporter is thick enough to ask "who's next to be kidnapped"
Polly....
bruh....
On Cue, the Air Raid Sirens go off, But Jennings Gives her a name of the man involved and a blueprint of a robot. the Name- Doctor Kopf. New York are invaded by Robots that look like every Poundshop Robot ever-made. Wrecks havoc in Midtown, so the police call for Back-up: The Sky Captain (Law) Flies into view.
Bullets do Nothing, A grappling Winch Only puts Polly in danger, Only Detonating A mine and taking out a leg, does the Battation of robots retreat, It seems like Polly and the Sky captain know each other, we even learn his real name is Joe!
So This is not an Isolated Incident All players in the war have had Weapons and resources to make them stolen, Sky Captain returns to a Secret Island Base to Refuel. The destroyed Robot is sent to Dex, the q of this film, who has already already made a laser!
So Polly has sneaked onto the Island, she and Joe were a couple, But split after Polly sabotaged his plane, causing him to be captured by the Chinese, because Polly suspected infidelity, she is is about to be thrown out until she hands him the blueprint.
Turns out the robot Attacks were not the first, the Sky Captain Corp has being keeping them a secret for 3 years, usually 1 robot every 6 months, each more sophisticated than the last. Polly's intel brings very little info on Dr Toten Kopf, except he has a,Asian assistant and he ran a secret division called unit 11 and the skull logo on the robots matches the logo on his warehouse in Berlin, so that where we are going!
Checking on Doctor Jennings Safety, Joe and Polly, break into his office when he doesn't answer. Jennings is a doctor of Molecular Minimization, in Layman's terms, Shrinking Big Shit and Growing Small Shit as evidenced by a tiny elephant in a bottle! Jennings Stumbles out, as Joe Finds the doctor's attacker, But stops in his tracks when the Attacker reveals to be....(GASP!) A WOMAN!
Joe's Sudden Chivalry earns him a Karate Chop from Kopf's Asian Assistant, She escapes and Jennings Dies (Don't Worry he Gets Better!) He Hands Polly the Capsules Vargas Gave him, Which she pockets without Sky Captain Knowing!) The Secret Island is Attacked, with Polly arguing that she should join Joe. Polly is a Backseat Flier, in a sad attempt of Levity, Dex has has found the location of the Source of the signal but gets captured!
To Avoid being Blown into the Atlantic, Sky Captain can become a sub....Except last scene a window was shot out so you should be drowning right now!
Returning to base It's being overrun by Robots. With Dex Gone they retreat. Polly finds a stick of Gum and a laser erected against a stone pointing up. At the underside of a girder, Stuck on By Gum is an Atlas Page on Nepal. That must be some sticky-AF Gum to stay there for 2 hours!
On the Long Flight to Nepal, Polly goes Through Jennings Briefcase he was holding when they met, they find Photos of Kopf and a Logbook of every Stolen Resource So far
Landing in Tibet, They Meet Kaji, Joe's Old RAF friend Played by Omid Dwadji, Polly tells Joe she doesn't trust this Muslim man she just meet.
DID YOU KNOW THIS FILM CAME OUT IN 2001?
That Night Kaji tells Joe the signal is being Transmitted from a taboo place...Shangra-La!
With Kaji as his Sherpa, they find Shangra-La, but instead of Verdant fields they find a Futuristic Dome, and an abandoned Mine.
Amidst The Frozen Machinery and Quickly abandoned Living Quarters, Joe Finds a Geiger Counter and switches it on, Finding the whole Mine is contaminated with Uranium....they then realize that Polly is missing so she has to be rescued, because she's (GASP!) A WOMAN!
The kidnappers are after the vials, that Polly pocketed without Joe knowing, after getting them, Joe and Polly are trapped in a vault.
After Bickering, they are rescued by Kaji, but the vault is filled with Dynamite as it explode they dodge a fake green screen explosion that would make Mortal Kombat ANNIHILATION, Proud! Knocked out in the snow, Kopf's Hot Asian Assassin, steals the Vials.
Because they have written themselves into a corner, the heroes wake up naked in Bed with each other, they have being rescued by the people of Shangra-La, or what's left of them. most had being captured by Kopf and made to work in the mine til they died, The heroes clothes were irradiated, so the men are given....exactly the same clothes they had, except Polly who also got a new haircut as well! The only Survivor weak and cancer ridden gives Sky Captain a staff and the Instructions to "Follow Rana" In Return the Survivor wishes for one thing-His Death!
Leaving Kaji, the Staff is actually an Astrolabe, A device for Gaining Direction Under Stars. Assuming "Rana" is the North Star and using the Current Date and his Navigator's Journal...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q3fVj8A-K8E
He Determines that the Co-ordinates Lead to....Nowhere!
Worse Still, his plane is running on empty, but they are close to a RAF refuelling Station, Manned (and i use the term loosely!) By Frankie Cook, You'll get that joke in a minute.
The Outpost is a Flying Fortress, operated by Frankie (Angelina Jolie) So Polly spends all the time staring daggers into Joe For not saying Frankie was (GASP!) A WOMAN!
From Outta Nowhere, Robots Torpedo Onto the flying Fortress, British Reconnaissance have discovered an island equal to the Co-ordinates the Sky Captain was flying towards!
The Torpedo Docks on Kopfs Island is the Only access in, but the British captain has an Ace up her sleeve-the Amphibious Squadron-20 Pilots including herself in Planes that also turn into subs, they also have fishbowls over there heads over normal uniforms so Bam! No Compression
The Amphibious Squadron are attacked by a Giant Enemy Crab!
Quick Attack It's Weak Point For Massive Damage, Frankie Jettisons her plane into the crab, but before Attacking, Frankie Jettisons her Jetpack to escape and that's all of Jolie's screen time!
The Island is Prehistoric ,as evendenced by the Diametra, MegaPhyton and Pterodactyls, But Polly has only one shot on her camera left! So turns out Polly did Sabotage Joe's Plane, But he really was a cheating Douche.
Venturing inside the Factory, We see why Jennings was targeted Miniaturized Animals are being caged and transported into a rocket, Kopf is building an Arc after he plans to Level Society.
Sneaking around is not an option, when Polly's High Heels kicks a loose pebble that hits the Metal Grating Loudly, But are rescued by a flying car manned by Dex, Vargas and Jennings...somehow! He was dead but looks like he got better! They fly off to escape a Battalion of Robots!
We Learn what is in the Vials -"Adam and Eve"-Human Embryos for Kopf's Aryan Eden in Space, and When the Rocket Reaches 100ft the earth will be Incinerated! Kopf is too well guard No-one has seen him!
Dr. Vargas tries to Enter the Inner Sanctum only to be electrocuted to death by 2 Tesla Coils that form a hologram of Kopf's Face (AND YES THAT IS LAURENCE OLIVIER'S FACE AND VOICE!)
 |
| "I AM OZ, THE GREAT AND POWERFUL!" |
WHAT A TWIST!
His plan was automated from the get go
Joe is told how to Disable the rocket, But he wants Polly of the Island, So he Kisses her...then knocks her out with a punch!
Looks like Sky Captain took relationship Advice from Chris Brown!
So Dex, Jennings, and another professor they didn't bother naming (PLAYED BY JUDE LAW'S DA!) , escape, only to see Polly is gone. Sky Captain attacks the Nameless Asian, Only for Polly to hit her with a staff to reveal she is a robot?
Why would A Nazi, make a Perfect Android....AND NOT MAKE IT LOOK LIKE A WHITE PERSON?
Y'KNOW WHO CARES? THE SOON I FINISH THIS THE SOONER I CAN PICK THE HALLOWEEN SPECIAL!
After Polly punches Joe, they enter the rocket, wanting to save the animals, Polly presses the Emergency Release to free them, Cutting the Wife at the last minute, activates the rescue pods, Polly and Joe crash down, as the animals regain there natural sizes, In the amazing sight of a tropical Island with every animal on it. Polly wastes her last shot of her camera to take a picture of Joe...Only for him to tell this so-called ace reporter....she had the lens cap on, all the time!
(WAH-WAH SOUND EFFECT!)
OH POLLY!
YOU...WOMAN, YOU!
THIS FILM SUCKS!
This may be both the most visually and lierally dullest film I ever watch! The scenes are devoid of Colour, the acting and delivery of Modern Actors trying to act like those in the golden Age comes of as hokey, Not helped by the Stinted Dialogue, Sky Captain is An arrogant, smug Jackass, Jolie is basically a cameo, and Polly is just "HELP ME! I NEED RESCUING BY A BIG STRONG MAN, BECAUSE I'M A DUMB WOMAN!" How do you make a film about Giant robots. and shrink-rays and Shangra-La, and rockets, and bring Laurence Olivier Back from the dead...AND MAKE IT AS BORING AS SHOE SHOPPING?
CREDITS
Sky Captain And the World Of Tomorrow was reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli)
With Media
From:
Sky Captain and the World Of Tomorrow
That Mitchell and Webb Look
Command and Conquer
Dr Who
Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow was Produced by Paramount. All rights reserved, All Media used belong to there respective owners!
NEXT MONTH ON BOGGERBOXOFFICE!
Stay tuned to my Twitter page @RealEnli, because i will announce the name of the Halloween special really soon!
