What started as a side project after struggling to get 1000 pageviews on The Enlightened Page, has erupted into a Worldwide Underground Phenomenon! and for what started in August 2009, 99 posts, 8 years and 10000 Pageviews later, It's only fair we have a throwback to our Very first review back in Episode 2, No Memes, No Links, No theme Music, Just Joe-Jack letting rip on a Terrible Waylan Brother Spoof!
(THIS POST IS WRITTEN IN THE STYLE OF JOE-JACK, THE TITULAR "BOGGER" OF BOGGER BOX OFFICE, AS SUCH, ALL SPELLING MISTAKES FROM THIS POINT ARE INTENTIONAL!)
HOLY MARY MOTHER OV GOD!
WOT A FOOKING TERRIBLE FILLIUM!
Oi Mean Oi've being eatin' be zombies, arrested fer countless murders, flew a jet plane intah a supermarket, fought monsters from another dimension, and even Ferryed Da Divil-Hostriche Back t'Hell, but Dis?
DIS MADE ME SHAT MESELF!
We Startz wif a close up ov a superhero costume as serious Music Plays out, but it would be a Waylan Brother Fillium without immature Shite like not being able to close a belt or pickin' a wedgie outta his hole!
We REALLY startz with Badly Aged 20 something, Drake Bell, running to catch a bus, but is blindsided and does a pratfall, then does two fer no reason, coz if ya didna laff da first time, clearly ye are to slow fer Craig Mazin's Sophisimahcated humoah!
So dis fillium is Spiderman mostly, with Drake as Peter Parker, who sits beside Replacement Waylan and Apple Shill, Kevin Hart!
So we are in a Farmer-Sue-Tea-cal Company on a field trip as Data frem Star Trek tells da Kids and no Teacher to explore da room wif mutated animals! Rick's (Bell) attempts to impress Jill (Sara Paxton) only serves to piss of Not-Alex Pettyfyr and Not-Willim Dafoe (Christopher McDonald), ending with Not-Pettyfyr throwing Rick intah Shit, because Shit is funny, but not as funny as washin' yourselves in Bestiality Inducing Hormones, which happens just straight aftah! In the Shameful Mess that they turn into the pivotal point, they show da humping radioactive dragonfly bitin' Drake!
Embarrassed, Rick has ran away, makin' Aunt Lucille and Uncle Albert (Leslie Neilson) get worried, Rick passes out,
Not-Dafoe creates a machine t'cure his cancer but instead turns 'im intah an age-suckin' parasite!
Aftah wakin' afthah 5 days, a message from "Prof X" tells Rick to seek him out, At a Science Fair where Prof Hawkin' is fair game for insults ("I CAN MAP THE GALAXY, BUT IT MEANS NOTHING IF I CAN'T USE THE TOILET LIKE A BIG BOY!" ACTUAL QUOTE FROM THIS FILM!) Rick's powers causes a sexual assault and a fight, a decade before, dey wrote intah a real Spiderman fillium,
Turns out Rick Parents died after a night at da opera, yas we are ruinin' Batman fer ev'ryun, as dis child-actoh's level of child-actin' is so bad, it kills his parents even wurse! including the father, played be the Late John Ritter-WHOOPS!
Rick wants t'buy a car so he goes t'da bank. he stupidity letz a bank robbah escape, only to hear Albert shot and car-jacked, Albert leaves Rick with some important last wurdz...
"GET OFF ME! your leaning on my Balls!"
Meanwhile Not-Dafoe, runs a medical test and his heart rate drops, he sucks da life out of his assistant and attempts to hide da body mak's it look like he's bangin' a corpse!
Albert has survived and Rick meets Prof X outside, and Since Dis Series of Filliums have always targeted X-men from day one lets assume da posistion...BLAHBLAHBLAH!, Sexual Assault With Superpowers is Funny...BLAHBLAHBLAH!, Special is a White-Man Word for Retard, BLAHbLAHBLAH, obligatory Joke about Halle not getting other work, and finally it ends with MRS X finding Pamela Anderson dressed as Sue Storm, her name? Invisibitch
...
ONVISIBITCH!
An Oi thoughtz dat Interview wif Ray D'Arcy woz Degradin' enuff!
So Rick decides to become Dragonfly, as Not-Dafoe becomes 'Ourglass. Mr Data tells Him he needs to kill a person everyday to survive, and he attempts to rob the High-school of an isotope to cure himself,
As a Newspapeh Protographah, Hourglass robs da Isotope, Titanium Blades prove to be Dragonfly's weakness, Dragonfly is also pissed that he cannot fly, but it's enuff to save Jill from a muggin'
'Ourglass discovers Rick is Dragonfly, he also learns dat he needs to absorb da life-force of 44000 people to become immortal, Ourglass strikes and kills Aunt Lucille, leading to Necrophillia jokes at a funeral, and Rick splittin' wif Jill
Ourglass plans to kill 10000's as well as world Leadah's at da humanitarian awards, Not-Dafoe tricks Dragonfly into beatin up da Dalai Lama, leading to all the dignitaries t'fight each other.
Hourglass makes his escape, where in da next room is a comic-con, Alright, I'm pissed at how stoopid dis is, time to put da spuds on!
Jill takes a blade from Dragonfly, Hourglass uses the isotope to increase his powers, Dragonfly siphons some life-energy into a dyin' Jill, A bomb on Dragonfly's crothch (B-COZ FUCK CONTEXT!) kills 'Ourglass but da blowback causes Jill and Rick to fall at a 60 degree angle, until Rick sprouts rings, and t'mak' we don't get a sequel, dey are killed be a badly animated CGI helicopter!
i wish i can just go up t' a Paramount Egg-cu-tive an' shout in his ear, STOP MAKING DESE! HOMOPHOBIA, PAEDOPHILIA, SEXUAL ASSAULT, RACISM, NECROPHILLIA, AND GENITAL MUTILATION IZ NOT FUNNY! AND ADDIN' BUZZWORDS TO MAKE IT HIP, MAKES IT LOOK LIKE EVERYONE UNDER 25 SHARES IN YA VIEWS!
Sadly, dey will always be Teenage Idiots and so Trash like will always be made!
NEXT MONTH ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...
WITH 100 EPISODES BEHIND US, THE ONLY THING THAT STAND BEFORE US...IS DISASTER!
A BRAND NEW STORY LINE, THAT IS WILL STRETCH TO THE UNREACHABLE ENDS OF THE UNIVERSE, A STORY OF REBELLION, OF COURAGE, WITH THE FABRIC OF REALITY IN THE BALANCE!
STARTING WITH NEXT MONTHS REVIEW OF WITHOUT A PADDLE WE BEGIN THE FIRST CHAPTER OF
THE THIEF OF BOREDOM!
@RealEnli
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