(slurred) I'm locked out of the rest of my house! Where are you?
I'm sorry for (crying)....I HAD TA! YA WOULDN'TDO IT IF I DID ASKYA!
Do what? couldn't you or 80's Lad do it?
We had t'keep it a secret, so we had t'trap ya wif dem dere spiked drinks, it is another another Divil's dvd as bad as leap year and Silent hill but this more potent dan me zombie makin' poteen so it is!
what can be more potent that your zombie Moonshine?
(he pressed play. the screen for Did You hear About the Morgans? play out!
FUCK NO! JOE-JACK, I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!!
(this month's theme-Crazy little thing called love-DONE RIGHT!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EE34cSvZCd8
For those who never heard of this film 90% percent of you welcome to the Razzie nominated rom-com bomb that killed off the carears of it's two leads. And considering the 2 leads are Hugh "Pervo" Grant and Sarah Jessica Horse-Face, my least favorite actors, I'm so glad they did!
So lets dig into D.Y.H.A.T.M? The worst film to come out of the worse genre starring the worse actor and actress! (actual Razzie response)
Before I start, Rather than the tired old "You wouldn't steal a car" video that my countrymen Bryne and O'Breen have parodied, we were told this bold claim.
"By buying this dvd, you're helping funding the British Film and Television Industry!"
No wonder ITV are reduced to Towie, "celebrity" shows and Horrid Henry, If the British tv industry pinned their hopes on this!
We open to a blank screen as we hear Paul Morgan (Pervo) trying to ask his ex-wife Merrell (HorseFace) to dinner. We are told early that she is a realter that made the cover of magazine. Remember this.
While Merrell is enjoying her life as a newly-divorced socialite, Pervo is trying to win her back with lavish gifts and gatecrshing her Breast cancer gala.
Hugh probably went there, because it has the word breast in it!
So they go out to dinner the next night. There is also a sub-plot between the Morgans' P.A.s , a Topher Grace stand-in and Natalia Klimas, an actress that looks like the secret love-child of Jennifer Garner and Amy Adams or Jennamy Garnadams as I'll call her from now on! the Sub-plot is an insufferable Everything You Can do/Aww They Really Love Each Other plot! Except without any warmth or tenderness and lots more childish name calling and tazers!
So as the Morgans walk home, It's revealed to the audience that Hugh Grant of all people, was caught with a hooker!
They walk past a house that Merrell sold earlier, as the client falls from the balcony with a knife in his back. The murderer spots the Morgans. Thanks to the plot-point of the Magazine Cover, the Murderer has an idea who she is.
After being targeted at home, the police tells the Morgans that the man murdered was an arms dealer testifying against a Terrorist Hiding in Europe. and as witnesses, they will be put together into a witness Protection Programme.
(facepalming, shaking his head, Laughing)
this is so stupid!
- They are divorced which means the annulment is binding every state! And wouldn't be safer to separate them? They clearly have no children to raise as they will bitch about in every two-hander they will have!
- Horse-Face is a celebrity, who's face is plastered on billboards and a nationally distributed Magazine. SHE WILL BE RECOGNISED!
- Witness protection is only giving to witness when the Defendant is in police Custody. the defendant is an arms dealer in Europe, beyond the FBI's durasiction giving that,
- He is not under American Arrest and
- Using a Hitman to do his dirty work.
TRY AGAIN DUMBASS!
I read Phoenix Wright Fan-fiction with Less Artistic License than this!
So the Idiots are relocated to Wyoming and after complaining about not packing enough clothes, the sheriff pulls over to a Bargain Barn, and cheap clothes are a Culture shock to these Gobshites!
Also the deputies protecting the Morgans are Man and Wive and avid Hunters, something that disagrees with the vegatarian PETA Patron Merrell but it's a Compressed Vice.
Meanwhile back in New york, Not-Topher Grace and Jennamy Garnadams are planted Trackers by the hitman.
Back in Wyoming, the culture shock continues for the spoilt handrared fuckers as Paul is attacked by a bear. The only Doctor in town is a pediactric. Not being guarded Merrell calls an adoption agency to cancel services as her call gets traced.
So the morgans are arguing so much that even the sheriffs wants to get them out of the house. So they teach the morgans to ride a horse and shoot rifles, getting Paul hurt in the process so he must see that the pediatrician again and is offered a lollipop! Merrell let's slip she is an estate agent and becomes the town's self-appointed busybody, this agitates some people when they go out to dinner, when she asks the local toughnut named Earl(Wilfred Brimley) not to smoke.
You don't want to piss off Brimley! He could turn into the Thing and eat your face! Actually, "the Thing eats Perv-o and Horse-face" would be a far better film than this!
The next day, Earl comes up to Paul because he needs a lawyer to draw a will. despite A) How did anyone know he was a lawyer and B) since he is under an assumed alias, any drafts will be under scutiny.
Back in NYC, Gopher#1 call's merrel's tapped number but Gopher 2 kisses her, only to get tazered.
Talk about extreme No-Touchies!
Now we have some real bullshit dialogue. As out in the night sky, Merrell looks at the stars and claims she never seen the real stars before!
You know what? THAT'S BULLSHIT! AND HERE'S WHY! Remember when you were young and had picture books? I'm sure you did. First words of animals in the farm and in the jungle! I First went to Dublin zoo when I was 11 but knew what a lion looked like before actually seeing 1.
What i'm driving at is, not knowing what something looks like is stupid, since we live in an audiovisual world where we know what thinks look like before we ever see them for ourselves.
Also in attempt to get a more high-brow job Horse-face quotes Shakespeare, yeah I doubt that will ever happen. And Reminiscing about there marraige makes them get back together, just as the seperate sites are issued and the hitman touches down in Wyoming.
BECAUSE THE PLOT SAYS SO!
Oh and the reason Merrell wants to have kids is that Paul once nursed a mouse back to heath!
Somewhere a sentient floppy fringe with a tail and whiskers is bribing the other mice for sex with cheese!
So the Morgans are invited to the (only) social event of the year, The Rodeo, as Pervo and Horse-Face dance to a terrible country version of Crazy little thing called love, Sang by who I thought was Rebecca Black! When they discuss getting back together, Merrell confesses to sleeping with someone else during the separation.
"Why" askes Paul.
"WHY?"
WHY NOT?
I Thought what you did when you where divorced was not your ex-spouse's concern. And as you keep drilling in our heads, movie, THEY HAVE NO CHILDREN! So it wouldn't matter even if they did keep in touch!
The next day the assassian arrives as the Morgans bitch and moan about there crappy lives. I really hope the happy ending is them choking on Lead slugs!
Speaking of Which, the assassian has took advantage of everyone being at the rodeo, The morgans escape with the gunman on their trail, Hiding at the rodeo, they have the inspiredly stupid Idea of dressing as a pantomime bull in a Bull-ring. But entire town rushes the assassian and outguns him.
So this turd is covered and flushed when the assassian is arrested, the morgans return with an adoptive child and Not-Topher and Jennamy Garnadams are a couple and have their jobs back. Despite nearly killing their employers!
THIS FILM SUCKS!....But what didya expect? Shakespeare? and hearing Horse-face quote the bard is making me consider being a two-blog reviewer.
Stupid Dialogue, tired stereotypes and over exaggeration of the differences between life in Wyoming and New York City.
As someone who has never being there I must apoligise to any person from Wyoming reading this who or who saw this trash. I'm sure your state is not the cultural wasteland it is depicted as here. There is only 1 cultural Wasteland and it's called Da Wesht Ov Ireland!
Oi I'm standin' outside dis door! Don't mak' me come in dere!
And New York is depicted as an overcrowded, Overpolluted Deathropolis with that "Never Seen The Stars" Speech. If you have a Big Park in the middle of the city and People can see amimals not on plates, then it's hardly Anhk-Morpok, now is it?
In fact, going back to that claim the begining of this DVD, If you want to raise money for the british film Industry, Make a Discworld Film! It's Long Overdue!
That's how bad this film is! I'd rather talk about films that will never happen than this piece of shit!
(Eamonn ejects the dvd that spins and hovers, until it speeds and collides with Eamonn's heart! Darkness seeps out as a transformation slowly creeps across this face. Joe-jack comes in after unlocking the door)
Oi, I DIDN'T LIOKE DEM TINGS YA SAID ABOUT ME HOME YA SHITEHAWK!
(Without turning or any visual movement, Eamonn had grabbed Joe-Jack by the throat, Emitting Black smoke from this mouth and eyes, he threw punches engulfed in flames, not silver flames but actual fire.)
Eamonn...Please....stop...
I. AM. NOT.EAMONN!
TO BE CONTINUED.....!
CREDITS
Did You Hear About the Morgans? was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
With music:
Crazy Little thing called Love by Queen, supplied by Vevo.
D.Y.H.A.T.M? Is distributed by Columbia Pictures.
All rights reserved.
Follow me on twitter @SaveusPOE Or Search for TGWTGEamonn
Next Month: Halloween special.
