last month eamonn reviewed sex and the city and tempting fate said it was the worst film he ever seen. that is until this months offering, supposedly delivered by a supernatural force!)
Please stand and be more upstanding than the bastards that made this film, this months theme is the national anthem of my country, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aip-a3qEJ2s
Little known fact everything i write for BBO is written as manuscript up to a month in advance so i don't miss any other review i have planned.
why am i bringing this up? well when i started watching this film it was st patricks day and it took all my patriotic fervour to get through this film. but first the cover got my attention. There is a sticker that reads from the producers of 27 dresses, like that film is anything to be proud of. and believe me 27 dresses your time will come.
so lets stand shoulder to shoulder answer Ireland's call and stick a shilleighleigh up the ass of Leap Year: THE MOST RASCIST FILM EVER MADE!
So the film starts by not deciding to be a flashback or charector narrative as we are both in boston and a irish pub where we meet Anna Brady (oscar nominee Amy Adams, which seems to make this film even worse), a realter who is prim and proper and treats here employees like commoners.
Great i hate her already!
ok so the pub is in boston which brings to mind all the so-called Irish-Americans that come here to find there "roots" most of them i met are black and asian and usually the white americans only gained an irish surname 3 genarations ago.
Anyway Anna's father (the Unfunny dad from comedy 3rd rock from the Sun) tells anna about The Irish Tradition of the Leap Year.
WHEN? WHEN WAS THIS? I'M IRISH AND I NEVER HEARD OF THIS SHIT!
So over dinner her boyfriend reveals that he bought ear-rings for her. but before she could say want to say. he gets phone-call.
"sorry honey, my Douche-ometer says i have to leave until the end of the film!"
So as you guess, An Irish American who is stuck up rich and has no idea about her hertiage except this so-called tradition files over here for some rascist hi-jinks and that the plot to this piece of shit!
So because of a storm the plane is diverted to wales.
Hey here is some research that the people that made this film did not do .The Island of Ireland has 5 airports. Dublin, Belfast,Waterford, which is an hours drive from, Knock in the West of Ireland and Shannon. You Americans should know about Shannon because all your Jet fighters heading to Iraq to
So now the Ferry to Cork...
wait,what? Cork which on the other side of dublin let alone Wales? Why not go to Rosslare,45 minutes from Dublin? because the people who wrote this have all the irish-ness of the lucky charms cereal! So Anna hires a fishing trawler so she can get to Ireland but lands in Dingle in the west of ireland.
Which means Anna must set her watch back by 50 YEARS!
So she go to the pub where the publician (that guy from Watchmen) tells her that he wont go to Dublin as he thinks its full of Liars and cheats
Ok,so the Dail is there, but the zoo is nice!
When she looks for another driver one local offers before passing out.
This is of course a reference to Ireland's Drinking Culture but do you know what other countries have a drinking culture? EVERY OTHER COUNTRY! Okay maybe not the Muslim or buddist countries but check it, England has cheap sales, france encourages kids to drink wine and as mentioned in the simpsons you can get booze in Italian McDonalds.
SO FUCK YOU AND YOUR DRUNK IRISH STEREOTYPE, REST OF THE WORLD!
So High Maintenence manages to demolish declans pub and black-out the entire village just by plugging in her phone. Seriously how the fuck did you manage that?
so the Journey takes place in Declans rusty Renault 4 and thankfully Declan tells Anna that the tradition is a lot American made shite! Anna encounters cows on the road shoos them but lands on a cowpat and pushes the car which on a hill into a river!
forget failing geography, they forgot to put on the hand-brake!
ok now anna hitchhikes a ride with some Travellers and they steal her luggage, i saw that coming a mile away and next scene since we had travellers we have to have the envitable Fighting the Travellers. this ends with them getting the tow truck needed.
so anna resolves to get the train but the train doesn't arrive for 2 hours for so declan shows anna the local castle and tells her the legend of Fionn and Grainne (google it!) Anna thinks that Declan is coming on to her. And naturally misses her train, despite being told it wouldnt arrive for 2 hours and the castle was a 15 minute walk!
LETS DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!
So now the conductor, feeling sorry for the two dimwits invite them to stay at his B+B. Its here that the owners think That declan and anna are married. could you not tell him your story in the 2 hours your where waiting for the train or does the time warp itself when ever the plot demands?
So the cliche of who gets the only bed shows us that Declan is a chauvanist, because a trait like that is always good for a romatic lead.
So Anna has volunteered Declan to make dinner for the other guests. When Declan complains about Annas anal retentiveness and she explains that its because her father was more cavalier with more and it led to a sad child-hood.
To which Declan responds by killing a chicken in front of her.
Smooth.
So now we get BONDING MONTAGE! over cooking the dinner. Where An Italian Stereotype tells Declan and Anna to kiss they compley because they got the room by masquerade.
During the night they fight of the feelings they dont have for each other in bed.
Next day the conductor tells anna that it's Sunday and that there is no trains on sunday.
THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU LET THEM STAY AT YOURS WHEN YOU KNEW SHE NEED TO BE IN DURING BY MORNING? AND YOU EVEN SAID THERE WOULD BE ANOTHER TRAIN COMING!
Nurse......Nurse! I need more pills!
And to make it worse the wife of the conductor has took the only car to Dublin
OH LOOK! A WHITE WALL! I THINK I'LL PAINT IT WITH MY HEAD!
(Eamonn bangs his head against a wall.)
So now a hailstorm has the two idiots seek refuge in a church holding a wedding. And despite Anna being Anal retentive and wanting to be in Dublin so badly she now wants to get all mushy at a strangers wedding.
Declan reveals that he was married and that his ex-wife lives in Dublin explaining the liars and cheats speech
So now its night-time and in the midst of traditional music (not that this film isn't a living Hallmark card a long time ago!) declan and anna irish dance where Anna's shoe flies off a deck the bride. Somehow this means she is still stuck in Dingle.
So now a drunk Anna confronts Declan in what can be summed up by this quote by Linkara
"I HATE YOU! I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOOOOOOUUUU!!!!!!! (BEAT) MARRY ME!"
oh too obscure a reference? Try this one from the simpsons.
"AND YOU'RE 3 HEADED DEVIL DOG! DEVIL DOG!
-wanna make out?
-No-one wants to be alone!
i like to quote linkara and simpsons!
so now Anna gets the bus to Dublin. But no, misses the bus by her own admission. clearly the writers just went "screw it! she's an idiot! but gets the next bus.
So lets flush this turd!
Anna gets to dublin, Jeremy proposes to her, declan confronts his wife, anna starts a fire to see if jeremy cares about her(it makes sense in context!) and the film ends with Anna returning to a man who tolerated her on promise of money, as they kiss on the cliffs of moher
if i was there i would push them off!
(directed by Anand Tucker appears on screen.)
OH FUCK YOU, ANAND TUCKER! WHO EVER THE FUCK YOU ARE! because....
THIS FILM SUCKS!!!
If this wasn't about Ireland it would just be bad. However the constant stereotypes come so fast you just can't ignore them. sadly women would come here to perform this most bullshit of traditions.
this film is so bad i would sell my soul to forget i watched it!
(Eamonn faints as evil laughter fills the air...)
