Bogger box office presents
NIGHT OF THE LIVING BRIAN DEAD
IN THE SMALL VILLAGE OF BUTTCRAIC CO CAVAN, BETWEEN THE VILLAGES OF PILES AND SCRAWTUM THERE IS A SIGHT MORE SCARY THAN ANY GHOST OR GOBLIN.
JOE-JACK HAVING A BATH!
JOE-JACK: (singing) I know ya wants me you know i wants ya i know you wants me you know i wants ya!(he gets dressed in a string vest boxers white-ish shirt corduroy jacket and trousers wellies tie and a peck cap.
(door-bell)
who da feck is dat?
(opens the door to 3 trick or treaters)
KIDS: TRICK OR TREAT!
JOE-JACK: HALLO DATS SOME GOOD COSTUMES WAIT I GOT SOME MONEY FOR YOU
(joe-jack lifts a huge pot filled with pennies. the kids get all excited!)
Joe-jack: now there is one two three of ya. a penny fer you. and fer you and fer you! NOW FECK OFF! IM EXPECTING GUESTS!
GHOST KID: YOU SUCK!
JOE-JACK: YOU KISS YA MAMMY WITH DAT MOUTH?
WITCH GIRL: YOU ARE BAD MAN!
IM SAVING MY MONEY FER OTHER CHILDERN!
WERE THE ONLY CHILDERN IN DA VILLAGE!
JOE-JACK:GET OF MY LAND!
(HE SLAMS THE DOOR. THE KIDS PELT THE HOUSE WITH EGGS)
(JOE-JACK RUNS OUT!)
YA LITTLE SCUTS ! GOOD THING THERE IS ONLY 3 CHILDER IN DA VILLAGE! SO I KNOWS WHERE YA LIVE! YA CANT OUT SMART JOE-JACK!
(HE IS PELTED WITH EGGS!)
YA LITTLE BASTIDS I'LL GET YA!
(Doorbell)
the twins from the shining are at the door
#10 THE TWINS FROM THE SHINING
COME PLAY WITH US JOE-JACK FOR EVER AND EVER
i dont play camogie* ya heartful playing does make up for your lack of skill though.(he slams the door, turns around and the twins are there he grabs a rifle shots but hits a vase.)
* camogie-a ball game played by girls. it is the counterpart to hurling.
Mammy: did ya say something joe-jack?
(joe-jack goes to the living room. his old mother "Mammy" is watching static on a black and white grundig tv)
Mammy: did ya make the poteen* yet joe-jack?
*poteen-pronounced push-een-moonshine
aw feck!
(in the kitchen he make the recipe for the liquor a wind blows the book and pages to a recipe to raise the dead)
END SCENE
#9 THE PLOT DEVICE THAT MAKES ZOMBIES-FROM ANY HORROR FILLIUM
NEXT SCENE THE PARTY AND NO-ONE IS TOUCHING THE HOOCH MAMMY SMELL A CUP
WHATS IN THE STILL
POTATOES BERRIES GOATS BLOOD AND ANGEL HAIR
ya gobshite dats a zombie potion i'm watching me telly!
(Joe -jack goes to the attic to pour out the still. lightening strikes a unmarked grave as a hand reaches out)
SCENE.
SCENE 3
joe-jack is told by a guest that there are people outside. going up on the roof while raining he sees the zombie of lost tourists and anti-hunt campaigners. thinking they are just Townies he shoots at them
"GET THE FUCK OF MY LAND!"
#8 the zombie swarming the survivors in night of the living dead!
inside it seems that one guest drank the potion as her skin is changing to blue and bleeding. Joe-jack locates father Tax-Crymes.
FA'HER YOU HAVE T'PERFOM A EXOR-CIRCUMSISM
OH YES! ER...HOW MUCH DO I CHARGE FOR...
HOW ABOW NOT BEEN EIGHTING B'DA LIVIN' DEAD?
OKAY THE WILL Of CHRIST COMPELS THEE!
(MARY GETS UP ON THE CEILING, SPINNING HER HEAD AND VOMITING)
Joe-jack: i am not cleaning that puke! MAMMY! C'MERE AND CLEAN DIS PUKE! MAMMY?
#7 the bed scene from the exorcist
Joe-jack runs into the living room a glass hand made of static is reaching grabbing Mammy by the the face!
#6 the kidnap of the little girl in Poultergeist
(JOE-JACK PULLS MAMMY OUT OF THE TELEVISION. IT RETURNS TO ITS NATURAL STATE)
MAMMY: IM WATCHING A VIDEO INSTEAD!
(She puts in the ring. Samara climbs out of the tv)
Joe-jack: NO MAMMY DONT WATCH DAT VID-JOE! HEY SALMONELLA GET BACK IN THAT TELLY! (he breaks the tv. samara disapeers.)
#5 THE RING
FER FUCK SAKES MAMMY YOU NEARLY GO US KILLED TWICE!
(Mammy goes to the window and starts waving franticly)
MAMMY: HELLO MARGO! LOOK ITS ME SHISTER MARGO!
JOE-JACK: Margo? i thought she was....DEAD?
(THE ZOMBIES SWARM THE SURVIVORS EATING THEM! JOE-JACK GRABS HIS MOTHER AND A HURLEY* AND RUNS TO THE SHED WHERE HE IS MET BY JIGSAW!
* A Hurley is a flat ash sporting apparatus used in the games of hurling and camogie
#4 SAW
JIGSAW: HELLO JOE-JACK LETS PLAY A GAME!
JOE-JACK: FUCK OFF ZOMBIE BOSCO*
*Bosco was a popular pre school irish program in 80s ireland
END SCENE
SCENE4
JOE-JACK IS FILMING HIMSELF WITH A NIGHT VISION CAMERA. AN EXTREME CLOSEUP OF HIS FACE IS SHOWN
#3 BLAIR WITCH PROJECT
(zombies swarm the shed. one tears off joe-jack arm but the arm was already torn of and hallowed out to hide the chainsaw replaced on his arm.
TIED FOR #2-Ash replaces his arm with a chainsaw-evil dead
THE SHED IS COVERED IN RED!
THEN THE DOOR IS AXED THROUGH!
HERES MAMMY!
TIED FOR 2-HERES JOHNNY-THE SHINING!
Zombies: brains!
JOE-JACK: YA HAVE YER SHITE YA ZOMBIES! IM GONNA KILL YA NOW WIF ME CHAINSAW! YA CANT OUTSMART JOE-JACK!
(HE PULLS ON THE CORD. NOT ONLY DOES THE ENGINE SPLUTTER THE SAW FALLS COMPLETLY OFF THE JOINT! THE ZOMBIES RUSH JOE-JACK AND EAT HIM TO SHREDS!
#1-THE CHOKE ON ME! SCENE FROM DAY OF THE DEAD
CHOKE ON ME! CHOKE ON ME (CUT TO A WAKING UP WIPE AND JOE-JACK ON AN ARMCHAIR)
FECK! IT WAS JUST A DREAM! IT MUST HAVE BEEN A REAL FOOT-STOMPER OF A DO! NEARLY ALL THE POTEEN IS GONE! THERES ONE CUP LEFT! OH NO IM TURNING INTO A ZOMBIE! MAMMY! C'MERE I WANT T'EAT YA BRAAAAAIIIIIINSSSSSSSS! AND SOME RED SAUCE! WELL I NOT GOING TO ATE ME MAMMY BRAINS DRY NOW AM I?
HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ALL FROM THE PATH OF ENLIGHTENMENT FAMILY
SIGNED EAMONN!
Saturday, October 31, 2009
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