It has not being my month since I saw you last!
My poll glitched on Twitter so it couldn't be interacted with, So by default Infinity Pool WAS going to be this next review.
Then when I booted up Netflix and typed in Infinity Pool last month, it had left the Subscription service.
So instead I will review the first film that shows up if you type in that title into Netflix's search-Reptile.
Made in 2023, Reptile is a Murder Mystery where a Grizzled Detective must uncover through a sea of Shady characters to track down a Gruesome Murderer.
So again, I am going in blind, So Every Surprise is going to be Genuine.
So Without Further Ado, Let's Dig into Reptile.
The Film has two artworks, and neither of them are any good. First is just Justin Timberlake, Alicia Silverstone and Benicio Del Toro with Dull Surprise faces on a Snakeskin filter.
The second one is slightly better. 3 bloody claw marks each with a eye catch of the above actors' faces. Better than just the actors' faces, but it does look like a reaction shot in a manga!
THE FOLLOWING POST IS OF A FILM RATED 15 FOR BLOOD, MURDER, THREAT, DRUG USE AND LANGUAGE WHICH WILL BE CENSORED. DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
The film starts with general B-Roll of Suburban life in middle America. A man covers his pool with a Tarp, a woman is drying dishes looking on from the Kitchen. A Realtor's sign of sale is put in front of a house...their house. All the while "Angel In the Morning" plays out.
This couple (Justin Timberlake and Matilda Lutz) are realtors selling this house and as Such, involved in it's showing and upkeep. Trousersnake, true to real life, wants to fool around but the buyer has just arrived as the doorbell rings.
We cut to a Swimming pool locker room, where Maltilda's character tells a second blonde woman about car trouble she had and the feeling she was being watched.
Wait, what about the House sale? Is this after or before? When is this?
Matilda's character has a tattoo of tyre tracks down her spine.
Great! Given that this is a Murder Mystery, Watch it be the thing that identifies the body!
While they have a Fanservice swim, we learn Justin is to give a key note speech at an estate agent seminar, under the skeptical eye of his mother. The Speech he's about to make is themed about Survival of The fittest.
After the Seminar, Will Greavy's (Timberlake) girlfriend never showed up, he comes home just as "Angel in the Morning " slows to 0.25 speed. He's angry that she didn't turn up at the Seminar, With her Feigning Forgetfulness and Tiredness. Will just Grabs a pillow and takes off for the night.
After a night of Couch surfing in an Empty house, Summer Elswick (Lutz), dressed as a maid finds a Snakeskin in the house. While Bill seals the Deal at the office, A Red car Pulls up outside and it's driver walks up to ring the doorbell. Thinking it's Will, Summer tells the person where she is. Will leaves the office with his buyer, but couldn't get Summer on the phone, he arrives at the House at Sunset and finds her Brutally murdered, but before your eyes can adjust to the Poorly lit scene, We get the entire Screen blocked by a Title Drop.
We cut to a posh restaurant where we finally meet our main character, Detective Tom Nichols. (Del Toro) who is married to Alicia Silverstone's character. After an off colour joke, he notices his boss taking a Phonecall and looking distraught.
Sure Enough, the chief has just being told he has Multiple Sclerosis, but wants to keep it a secret. As they arrive at the scene of the crime, he brow beats a Lieutenant for dropping one of his latex gloves in an active crime scene.
Interviewing neighbours, Nichols' attention is caught by a Suspicious unkempt man with a limp, just as the neighbour interviewed mentioned a Strange man with a limp entering the house, they also find cameras pointing towards the house.
We cut to the police precinct, where Will was being held. Tom interrogates the man. Turns out, they were not married, only together for a year and a half. Telling the Detective that they did have an argument which makes him Suspicious of the Realtor. Also, Summer was still legally married to a Sam Gifford. But as a Suspect, Will is still Swabbed and finger printed. Tom wants to hook Will to a polygraph, but the DNA proves he's clean.
Tom returns home to see his home under renovations. Meanwhile back at the plot, the Limping Man takes a Seat at the press conference. We cut to Summer's Autopsy, where the pathologist finds two strange things on Summers Body, First a Blonde Hair that's not hers, but stranger still, Red Paint on her Wrists, Red Calcamine Paint, a substance not available anymore. The doctor also asks Detective Nichols about his bloody mark on his wrist, which was supposedly an off screen kitchen accident, because we need a red herring!
They find a red car on security tape they can't track a licence for. However, the car is missing a Chrome. So it's as Good as any lead. But they still think Greavy, while not the doer, still could be the mastermind, so that avenue has still to be walked.
While cutting to the Limping man Showering, and Detectives Asking all the other women at the pool about Summer, We cut to Nichols using his office computer to buy a sensor controlled tap Like the one Will has, because we need to put Quirky Humour into everything. They learn Summer had no insurance, so that wasn't a motive. We find out the man is Sam Gifford, who not only had Previous for D**gs but also steals hair for his quote/unquote "Art"
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| "OH, IT'S ART!" |
So Finally it's time to question him about Summer Elswick's Murder. But he is not the Limping Man, but the man who stole his hair.
Naturally as an Eccentric Artist, Gifford is a Recluse. Not only does he work with hair, but also Paint, but Lawyers up when asked about Calcamine Paint.
When Nichols makes a call-in, he uses the Callsign "Oklahoma ". When his New Partner, Cleary asks why he's called that when he's not from the Sooner State, he learn why in the next scene.
When we see Del Toro and Silverstone line dancing and Exchanges lines of questioning when they Dance together. Because we need to add Quirkiness, only Law and Order can be Procedural. The Other cop, Officer Walter Ridge has a side hustle of a Microbrewery with a distinctive logo.
Let's play a game-Foreshadowing or World Building?
After learning Summer got no commissions from her sales, Suspicions of Will's Financial worries put the motive as Anger back onto the Partner, Which Will and his mother talks out of it-The Commissions went to an investment Fund, one all 3 knew and agreed to. The property they were selling was Will's mother's, so she is now a person of interest.
While with her friends, Julia Nichols (Silverstone) exposits about a time in Phillie, Tom was accused of being corrupt, So his car was keyed with the word "Cheese-Eater" (The implication that he is a Rat!) If it wasn't for the chief, uncle Alan, who is his Uncle by marriage, he wouldn't be here in...where ever in Illinois this film is supposedly is. And he would be Depressed if he didn't have his job.
FORESHADOWING!
That night, a Strange man returns mail to Will's house, turns out Will doesn't recognise him, but he takes offence and assaults Will.
Cleary finds Summer's Telephone logue, turns out she was in the town of Limerick for 40 minutes on the day of her death. While she did sell a property there, that was months ago-So why come back?
The property she sold was an isolated Church in the Countryside. The door is open and Nichols finds the inside painted with red paint. A Tin is found and it's Calcamine Paint. Whoever painted this church could also be the murderer.
The church Caretaker, Unfortunately tells The police the Church was painted by Volunteers with their own Paint and tools so he wouldn't know who they were.
Nichols is being going around in circles. The Caretaker doesn't know Will, Summer or Sam, the blonde hair Is Synthetic, the Phone on Summer was a Burner, but he has a lead, they find the car and they stripped it of it's red paint. And it's a Purple Chrysler Imperial, According to Mrs Nichols-hell, She use to drive one that belonged to Alan, as it happens!
Finding a dealership, tracking down a Purple luxury car, shouldn't be a problem.
It's the day of funeral, and Will is distracted by a Shadowy figure who he chases after. Disturbed by this, he tells Detective Nichols about the Assault last night, he remembers the man is named Eli Phillips, a Man who lost his family birthright when his father sold it and committed Sui**de, with no way to buy his family home back, Phillips blamed Will and his family, for his misfortune. Sounds like a solid motive to me!
Delving into the Burner phone a bit more, turns out Summer was a serial Narc, who was ratting on all her Dr***ie clients and friends, so they find Eli's Cr**k den and question him then and there.
Eli is a Paranoid St*ner, one who has a ham radio set to Police Frequencies, which is how he learned about Summer's murder in the first place, he's convinced Will did it, he's also aware of Det. Nichols' past.
Turns out, Wierd as it sounds, but there are 800 Purple Chryslers In City of Town, so it's hard work to find the perp, however They Notice in the crime photos of Summer's hand which is covered in marks that resemble bite marks.
Summer's Friend from the pool, gives the Detectives new information at a bar, off the record, she tells them her ex husband, Eli Phillips and Sam Gifford are D**g-dealers.
Will recants the night he found Summer. But the Detective get a call about one of his suspects doing a runner. It's Sam Gifford. At this house Nichols finds a Disturbing Statue of a Blonde topless Angel that resembles Summer being bound.
He goes to take a sample of The Effigy's hair...but then shots are Fired! Sam Escapes Armed through a window, But after being struck by a bullet, He's found dead.
Searching Sam's House, they find He**in, but it's not a victory. Nichols is taking off the case and suspended.
Eli is punching a door as it smash cuts to Tom trying to sleep as the builders are still working on his house, so it does looks and sounds like Eli is Punching the Detective's Door
Frustrated at Tom's Suspension, The other Officers are such Good friends not to Abandoned him. At the bar, they see Will Greavy putting the Moves to Summer's best friend.
Tom is given an Psychological Assessment to determine if he can return to work. He tells the Doctor he has a reoccurring Nightmare for years of being at a party with loved ones, only for criminals to break in and k*ll everyone, as Tom in his dream, cannot draw his gun.
"Except, ever since I shot Gifford, In my Dream, it ends with me getting to pull the trigger. Weird, huh?"
Because of this statement and how blasé he was in saying it, there is no way in hell, he's returning to work. However the Precinct takes it well, he's given a happy send-off with balloons and cake with no dialogue, but being led to an exit, it's clear what the outcome is.
Some time later, Walter Ridge offers Tom a security job at his brewery. Active Duty Brewery is unique as Ridge hires Former police and Military as his workers.
Later at a party he even goes far to...offer a female guest.....for s*x.
The Chief has a better proposal, he wants Tom to Receive The Medal of Valour, Which Tom refuses, Before handing over his files over to Cleary. However, a photo of Summer's bite marks falls out so he pockets it, to do his own investigation out of revenge. So he bites his wife in the same manner as Summer.
As a Solace to himself, Tom needs to know if he did the right thing in k*lling Gifford. So he asks the Chief to match the Bite marks to Gifford's Dental Records. Which means an Autopsy on Gifford, and the disappointment that Gifford had a lower jaw denture-Meaning he was too weak to leave bite marks if it truly was him. And even he was, the denture will be filled with perfect, Uniform fake teeth. Which the killer did not have.
Meanwhile, Greavy shows the house where Summer died to the Limping man, now on crutches with a overdressed woman. They are, infact "Murder Voyuers"-People who have a Sexual thrill off Visiting scenes of murder. With Will's back turned, the model the Limping man hired, gets on the floor in the same position Summer's body was found, as the man takes photos, and having The Victim's partner show them around, OH BOY, Consider their Jollies Got. Timberlake gets so Angry, he nearly showed the Appropriate Emotion!
So, is Nichols back as a cop now? I guess, because he and Alan are at the firing range. And The MS has made it that the chief cannot aim straight. With the bite not found to be deep enough, the Evidence is proven inconclusive-So Alan just wants to close the case as Unsolved.
Eli is watching tv, when the news report of a car crash caused by one of the Construction crew Smuggling dr*gs catches Eli's eye when he recognises the young man from his Conspiracy Wall and then catches on the He**in Shipment is sealed with the same Christmas wrapping paper Gifford used. Later that night someone tried to break Greavy Realty but Surprise Surprise-no Cameras.
Then the Unthinkable almost happens-Eli tried to k*ll Julia Nichols, but SHE has HIM Cornered with her handgun. Eli is Arrested who wanted to turn himself in with info he has on the murder.
Eli sings like a canary that Greavy is the mastermind all the time, Summer was being ripped off by a company called Whitefish, Maybe Tom should look into that. But the only whitefish Tom knows is Whitefish Construction who worked on his house.
As he is carted off he Blurts out Whitefish Construction is nothing more than a Front to Smuggle Dr*gs and Launder Money and the Greavies are the one's profiteering off it. During the Tirade, Eli left a USB drive of proof or maybe Paranoid ramblings. But it still needs to be addressed.
Speaking of Addresses, The sales of all of Summer's houses were put into Whitefish, but there is no info into what Whitefish actually is other than a Shell that hired Construction workers. One of Summer's Properties 15 Ghost Terrace was taken as a Drug Forfeiture, So the Police cannot investigate The house further, as it's being resold, By Will Greavy's mother, Camille.
On the phone, Driving away from Ghost Terrace, Cleary tells Nichols Whitefish is no longer active, just a P.O box, Nichols believes he is being followed and he's right. But then he's told the P.O box address is shared with one other company-Active Duty Brewery and Consultants, the company owned by Officer Walter Ridge.
At the Evidence holding facility, we learn Eli has been a police informer for 15 years. The He**in is sealed with the same Christmas wrapping paper Gifford used, he wants to see the Dr*gs from the Gifford case, but someone has ordered the Dr*gs to be destroyed. Meanwhile someone has bailed out Eli out of jail, but remains anonymous. Peter the Construction worker, has joined the Nichols linedancing group the angle information for Greavy/Ridge, one would assume, Tom tells Peter not to even try it (As in, not to pretend he's not Involved!) But Peter thinks Tom meant not to try it on with his wife!
Either way, Bet Peter is glad he's wearing Dark Trousers.
On the day the Construction Worker, Recosi caused the accident, He called a number 15 times. When Tom calls that number, we see 3 people getting incoming calls at the same time-Will and Camille Greavy...and whoever is about to Merc Eli in his own kitchen!
The man in Eli's kitchen is Will Greavy...the Will we saw in the house, was A flashback to the night of the murder, where he was going to k*ll Summer, But the phonecall would be traced, so someone else has finished the job. Will demands Eli return whatever he Stole from his office. Another man walks in from behind.
We cut to the Next day with Ridge being Cryptic about Song lyrics, giving the audience the idea that he just k*lled Eli for Will Greavy. Sure Enough Eli is nowhere to be found. Searching the number Recosi called is tied to a Property Holdings called W6. The case is tearing apart the Nichols Marriage, as they cannot enjoy a nice dinner out at a restaurant, especially when Will Greavy turns up with his mother, investors and Summer's best friend on his arm.
Tim goes over to talk to Will about W6, but we the Audience hear nothing.
Not long after, Nichols meets Greavy at 15 Ghost Terrace and let's him in via a warrant. The camera pans to a large room showing us the Christmas wallpaper in the room beside. Tom calls the number of W6 Holdings and Will's phone rings out...only for Will to shoot Tom Dead!
BUT PSYCHE! ITS ALL A DREAM!
It's Alan's Birthday and Walter takes Nichols to one side and asks him why he's been avoiding him, which Tom lies to Walter and says he hasn't. Alan learns Tom is getting a medal of Valour after all, just as it seems Tom just got it in his head, that the entire precinct is corrupt, not just Walter.
And his suspicions are confirmed when finds a White Chrysler Imperial...a White Chrysler, THAT USE TO BE PURPLE!
All this time it was his mentor, Julie's Uncle that aided and Abetted a Coverup so big, He thinks he can't even trust his wife! It's so big, Greavy has ordered an Assassin Disguised as a Police officer under the guise of a Dui charge to trail his house, as they drive with escorts behind, Tom tells Julie the Greavies all have a hand in Drug Smuggling and Laundering the money through Greavy Realty, Whitefish and police bribery, But Summer an outsider to town, wanted none of this when she found out, so he had to die!
The Only ones at the party that are not in the loop are Cleary and Julia, With the plan now being Cleary taking up the case while Tom and Julie skip town, that's when Alan calls Tom to meet him at the Lakehouse to explain himself, but Ridge just wants to Waste him to keep him silent, but Alan knows Tom ain't no Cheese-Eater and that's why he brought him to Illinois to begin with. Tom will not Rat to Alan's Superior officers.
So anyway, Tom Rats to Alan's Superior Officers!
TRIGGER WARNING FOR SCENES OF MURDER
So Tim, the Detective Tom has ratted to, meets Alan at his house but when Tim excuses himself to use the bathroom. Alan has bad news-Tim is also on it and Tim is also a killer. A Unseen shooter kills Alan, then Tim is killed by Tom, he turns to see the body of Cleary at the bottom of the staircase, with Walter Ridge holding his gun at Tom, that's when a Frisbee knocks into the window, distracting Ridge long enough for Tom to shoot Walter. When Tom re-emerges. Ridge is bleeding out on the floor, pleading he cannot feel his legs, but still crawling to his gun. Tom calls 911 when the children who came for the Frisbee saw it all. And now he can't decide whether to actually call in the murders.
And so the film ends with some time has past and Tom made the right decision to turn his colleagues in. with Knocking on Heaven's Door, playing out as Will Greavy is arrested by the FBI on a golf green, while the Nichols are put into Witness Protection and their fingerprints are burnt off so they are shedding their skins ....like Reptiles?
THIS FILM SUCKS!
How can something be Convoluted and Predictable at the same time?
Off the bat, I knew it was Timberlake's character who did it-And the Fakeout dream was just a pathetic double bluff, the cast was 90 percent nobodies, the Dialogue is just predictable, the pacing made this 2 hour film like an age, and it just wasn't interesting.
If you are a popstar and you are in a film that's not a Musical, and who have all the acting skill of a damp fish, stick to dahm Musicals!
CREDITS
Reptile was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli on X)
With Media from
Reptile
Merengi's Darkplace
New Japanese Pro Wrestling
Bad Movie Beatdown
Police Squad
Twilight
NEXT TIME ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE.....
Once I return back to Ireland in 3 weeks time, I will start work on Red Notice as I said last year in the Black Adam review, We are not Done with Rock The Dwayne and his Bottle Filling Johnson!
What better than the film that became the buzzword to the final years of The Vince McMachon lead WWE than "The Golden Egg!' Film as this year's......TICKET TO HELL!
