As I Write this Review, I am Doing So by Ignoring the Manuscript I Had previously Written. As the opening line to the original was going to be "I Have a treat for you" However, in doing research into this film I Learned that this film Is Not universally liked, in fact, it is Polarizing at best and "Making Wes Anderson a Parody of himself" at worst.
That's not to say this is a bad Film. It scored 75% on Rotten Tomatoes, But such a score means there are glaring problems in this film. Sure It's an Anderson, the cast are going to be Titans, the Script Sharp and breezy, the scenes dark but painted with a veneer of pastel, But what could cause this film to be so marginalized in the eyes of the pubic?
Well, it's time to find out. As I Present my Dissertation on Asteroid City.
THE FOLLOWING FILM IS RATED 12 WITH SCENCES OF PREDJUDICE AND INNUENDO
Before i Start I make Mention of the Irish Term NCT, This Means National Car Test. Similar to What Garages may call a 20 point check or an M.O.T.
If anything else, that is an Impressive Cast!
on the cover which sees Scarlet Johannsson, Jason Schwartman and Tom Hanks, Looking at, or is aware of a Child in a Jetpack, tethered to the Barren dessert of asteroid city, an unincorporated town made out of an abandoned Tourist trap! This scene doesn't exist!, It's 4 scenes edited into one photo, which is why Our 3 stars look so stiff and Uncomfortable, like 3 cardboard stands propped in the dessert! In The true spirit of this film, there is something i like, That Font, I've seen that used in many a Glorious B-Movie!
Like the Grand Budapest Hotel, and many others, Anderson frames the Story as a Recanting, But instead of Saoirse Ronan Listening to A Book on Tape, We see a Black and white Story, Bryan Cranston Addressing the Fourth wall to introduce A Televised Play called "Asteroid City"
"Asteroid City doesn't Exist, the Characters are fictional, the scenes hypothetical, the events are Apocryphal Fabrication, However they Present an Authentic Account Of a Modern Theatrical production."
Cranston Gestures behind him as the stage scenery opens out and the light dims leaving only a Spotlight cast upon a man typing on a typewriter, Cranston Agrees that watching a man write a play is boring, so we skip to the "Drama" and I use the term loosely of Conrad Earp (Edward Norton) reading off the Stage Instructions for the opening scene and runs down the characters names, but i will add them in the "Play" when they are introduced....Until I get to why this film has such a bad rap later!
Earp tells us this film is a play in 3 acts, consisting of a space of 9 days, as Spotlight dims on Mr Earp, The play erupts into Bluegrass Music and the film start as a Techicolor film!
As a train hurries Down a Track as a credit roll speeds just as Quickly, the film is Carrying everything you need for Cold War Scientists need to live in a town that is a cover for their Nuclear Testing, a year supply of canned peaches and avocados, cars, and a warhead with a helpful warning of Do NOT Detonate!
When train and staff Roll Comes to a halt, we are welcomed to a slap dash attempt to build a tourist trap out of what was the Arid Plains Meteor crater-A single Restaurant, a Stone church, a Highway bypass that goes up 20ft before it was abandoned, a single workman painting a wall, and a dozen mail boxes adjacent to an equal number of Wooden Stakes and an Observatory in the Distance.
ACT 1
The Steenback Family Consisting of Augie (Schwartman), a war Photojournalist, his son Woodrow (Jake Ryan) and his 3 triplet daughters arrive just in time before their car breaks down, getting food at the diner, the family are shocked by the loud bang caused by the nearby nuclear testing!
As the Mechanic (Matt Dillion) fixes the car like he's a heart Surgeon, the Mechanic ends his NCT By scrapping the car Entirely.
Augie Calls his Father-in-Law, Zack (Hanks), A Retired Military Man who hates his son in law, even more so as we learn the plot, Mrs Steenback had recently Died, He's Dropping off Woodrow at a space camp, which he won a scholarship for, and can't get out of, while he is bringing his daughters to Zak's To Grieve.
or would, if Augie had Told his daughters there mother died.
As the Steenbecks carpetbag everything of value from the car, A Bus drives into view and we breeze past every other character and Subplot. June Douglas (Maya Hawke) is a Primary school teacher in charge of a class of young children, The actress Midge Campbell (Johannsen) arrives with another Scholastic winner, her daughter Dinah, (Grace Edwards), A Boy who eats a chilli pepper, his beleaguered father looks on at the dare his son didn't make, Steve Carrell fobbing off a tent to the only Asian family (#NIN-TY-FIF-TIES CAS-U-AL RAS-CI-SM!) A Group of Cowboys and Augie trying to tell his family their mother died 3 weeks ago.
And here is Where Wes has Falling off. This is supposed to be a Crucial And sad Moment in this film. The integral Plot Point to our Hero's action. and it is interrupted by the ambient noises of a man erecting a tent 5 feet away, a barking dog, and Machinery humming to make this scene work. It doesn't help that Schwartman choose to speak in a flat affect that comes off as uncaring and cruel. He also uses this to push his non-secular beliefs onto his 6 year old children at the worst possible time
("Mother is not coming back. She can't. she's dead, You may want to tell friends she has gone to heaven, even though it doesn't exist.....Would you like a Hug?")
Actual F**king Quote!
Speaking as an Atheist who was Bought up in a Country where the News starts after the Angelus, all I can say is 3 words of advice: Time and place.
But it gets worse, she was Cremated and her Remains are here in a Tupperware container. "would you like to see your Mother, Children?"
We are not even done crashing through the first hurdle, as now I get to Complain about the Film's Direction!
Oppenheimer created another Monster, long after his death. As this film also has 2 interlocking Storylines, and while it worked because it was set as a literal trial for and against, this film decides not only to be a story called Asteroid City, but to show the Behind the Stage scenes of the Plays production. The first being how Jones Hill (Also Schwartzman) more or less seduces Mr Earp with Ice-cream and A Homemade Augie costume, causing Mr Earp to exclaim he's "Perfect", for the Play....and For Him!
THIS AND THE OTHERS HAVE NO BEARING ON THE FILM, OTHER THAN OCCASIONALLY SPOIL THE PLOT EARLY! OR SO YOU MAY THINK
So what of the play?
We Return to the Diner, the Steenbeck Triplets Contemplating Death over melting Ice-cream, While Augie and Woodrow finish their meal inside. Augie uses his camera to look at the Campbell's closely. Midge being a famous Actress takes offence to the invasion of privacy, But Augie doesn't know who she is, which only makes her angrier, meanwhile Dinah gets Smitten with Woodrow. Considering the only Boy her age burned himself in a dare he made himself, she could have done worse!
Turns out Augie does know who Midge is by name, he just doesn't care. We also learn he has a perfectly round bald spot where Shrapnel hit him.
Did it Remove the Part of the Brain that makes him emote?
This leads to everyone to the Orientation of the Junior Space Cadets and Stargazers by General Griff Gibson. The itinerary for the next 3 days to celebrate the upcoming Asteroid day In two days time are a tour of the Observatory by Dr Hickenlooper, (Tilda Swinton) a BBQ and Fireworks display on day 2, Ending on asteroid day, the day of the Solar Ellipses, the announcement of who will win scholarship and Bursary awarded by Hickenlooper and the Larkin Corporation.
General Gibson then gives a Breezy Hilarious Speech about his life to this point.
"When I was young, I went to school, caught Bugs, milked cows Swung at rocks, Skinny dipped, got whooped twice a week with a Maple Switch. THAT'S LIFE! "
It ends with Foreshadowing to why the Military are sponsoring a Children's science competition.
"If you wanted to live a Life of peace, you picked the Wrong Time to be born!"
"AREN'T YOU GLAD YOUR WERE BORN IN FREEDOMLAND? IF THIS WAS RUSSIA, YOU'D BE KIDNAPPED TO MAKE BOMBS OUTRIGHT!"
So the 5 geniuses (Well 4 and Clifford!) All get medals, Ricky Cho for a Jetpack, Clifford Kellogg For a Raygun, Shelly For a new Periodic Element. Dinah for a Plant Growth Accelerator. And Woodrow for a Solar Hologram Projector, that looks like a Stargate.
We skip to the end of the Observatory tour with Woodrow Curious of a Panel of Symbols on a console. Hickenlooper doesn't know what they mean, But it takes a child to tell the so called expert the consoles of 10 alternating symbols at different speeds is a Countdown of some sort. We cut to the Day Two BBQ. We learn 2 important things 1) the Larking Corporation and the Military are arguing on who gets to owns the patents on the inventions. And 2) Steve Carrell's Vending Machine can sell anything plot convenient like fireworks.
Woodrow tries to Overcome his crippling Shyness by sitting with his peers. Dinah breaks the Ice about a Badge Woodrow wears that reads "Brainiac". Turns out it was made by his later mother, when Dinah asks he what was she like, he instead takes out a Saucy pictures of her (Margot Robbie) in a Swimsuit his father took.
Back in the Black and White Stage World, In a Night Train Cabin, Mercedes Ford (Also Johannson) is greeted by the Understudy (Also Jake Ryan). He's being sent by the Producer, Shubert Green, ten days before opening curtain to convince her to return to the Production. The Understudy was given 3 notes to read, 1 to Correspond to her feelings emotional state when met, 2 were insults and one was an apology, the Apology works when we learn Mercedes real first name is "Kim" and we never learn Understudy's name, only that he got the role of Woodrow after this!
Back in the play the parents are drinking Vending Machine Martinis, Discussing how afraid they are of their children being Geniuses,. Or in the case of Mr Kellogg ( Leiv Schreiber) How did his Dingbat of a Son make a Ray gun!
The teens play a memory Game, as a Storm is Approaching, I only recognise the names of Cleopatra, Paracellus, and Kurt Gobel, I don't know if this is SYMBOLISM! Or just scene Padding with Stylistic Suck! However the Camera always lands on Dinah everytime Woodrow says Cleopatra. For reasons that will become quite Squicky in the end scene!
Onto something more straightforward, later that night, Miss June (Maya Hawke) finds a missing Student in the camp of the Cowboys who missed their bus. And more angry that the boy is smoking.
Lady it's the Fifties. He's probably smoking because Fred Flintstone Said it was cool!
Miss June is angry, but can't help but think there is something honest in the eyes of the Cowboy Leader, Montana (played by Rupert Friend)
Midge and Augie are Carrying on with her lives And careers far from home, Midge Practicing her lines in the shower, while Augie had turned his 1 bedroom Bungalow into a Dark room. I don't know how he was able, giving they salvaged the bare essentials from the Car, so either they bought parts from the magical vending machine, or
Midge Practices her Lines which in the scene requires her (YEAH RIGHT, PAL!) To be wearing and drop a towel. Augie doesn't react outright, but takes a Picture of her in her robe. I hope Augie/Midge and Woodrow/Dinah is not both the romantic endgame as it would make Dinah and Woodrow Step Siblings!
Montana is Brushing his teeth with Vending Machine toothpaste, when Another Machine which has being Broken miraculously spurts to life, it's according to Carrell, a Real estate Machine. Montana turns his back on Steve, as his Momma always told him to never look in the eyes of a liar. Steve explains the Machine doesn't deposit land, It sells deeds to property outside the fences of Asteroid City for the price of 10 dollars worth of quarters.
Y'know, this reminds me of the Blackadder Christmas special, when Blackadder 2 got Melchett killed with a novelty death warrant!
Zak finally arrives in the beginning of act 2, to pickup his granddaughters and is upset with what he finds. The 3 girls dressed as Witches and fairies, using the ashes of their mother and a bottle of whiskey to cast a Spell to bring her back to life. He grabs the Tupperware which causes two of the triplets to cry and the other to explain they are trying to revive her. It's late so Zak stays the night, just in time for the Fireworks display.
Day 3 (which starts hours later) is the night of the Solar Ellipses.
No that was not a Typo.
For one day every 38 years the Moon, Earth, Sun and milky way align to cause 3 dots in the sky.
During the 3 dots' appearance, a Fourth appears a green one which Fills the Crater they are sitting in with a Green Glow.
NOW THEY'RE RADIOACTIVE!
THAT CAN'T BE GOOD!
So it's takes Chapter 10 of a 21 chapter Dvd to get to the plot.
As the green light is a UFO, that floats over the asteroid, it lowers a Winch with a Giant stop motion alien standing on it. He grabs the meteorite and peace's out!
BUT NEVERMIND THAT SH*T!
Let's introduce the Producer of the play Schubert Green (Adrian boring-I mean Boring, I mean BORING, I MEAN Brody!) IN another black and white segment that goes nowhere and means nothing, and putting it after a major plotline, Despite it being ruined, in the first black and white segment, make that scene mean even less!
MEANWHILE BACK AT THE PLOT!
The Government wastes no time in covering up what everyone saw, putting the town in Quarantine, and everyone through medical and Psychological testing, with the Chos being singled out accused of being Red China Spies. And JJ whooping Clifford for pressing a button despite not being dared to do so.
Miss June, a deeply religious primary school teacher is naturally overwhelmed by what she saw last night, so much so, she can no longer answer the Questions the children have for her. However Montana strolls in and uses his Country ways to put everyone at ease.
And I'm sure he was Just at one time, A Small Town Bird Lawyer!
However Hickenlooper, Woodrow and Dinah are all on the case to Return the Asteroid and that means figuring out where the Creature is hiding, however being close to Dinah makes Woodrow nervous.
Midge and Augie continue to talk from their Bungalow's Glassless Windows. Midge feels that she is a terrible mother, she has 2 other children that live with her ex husband. She loves them unconditionally, but she admits she puts her career before them. Midge thinks there is a connection between her and Augie- they are both broken people. Augie hums and uses at this , until there is a knock at Midge's door. It's Stanley Zak, yes that's his full name. I'm just gonna call him Zak, who knows Midge's Manager personally and hits on her. Getting a reaction from his son.
 |
| "NOW HE EMOTES!" |
JJ Kellogg finally gets to the bottom of his Son's Stupid Behaviour. Clifford's obsession with Bets and by proxy an obsession with Cause and Effect comes from an Existential Crisis.
Speaking of which, characters who don't belong in this world like the Narrator and Green, just turn up to one side to scenes.
Zak offers to raise his Grandchildren as soon as the are allowed to leave, only when Woodrow figures out his father was going to abandon them with Zak. Zak reacts to this admission by his feckless son in law by miming strangling Augie by his pencil neck!
Clifford, working with the other Stargazers, using a transistor Set, And the tricking the Guard stopping people from using the Phone to get a call out to Ricky's School newspaper buddy Skip.
And it's immediately cut off By a Black and White piece with Conrad Earp, the Actors and Saltzberg Keitel (Willem Defoe), Over exuberant Acting Coach doing a Run-down of the next scene that doesn't get filmed-the alien will put the entire town to sleep with his powers and invades their dreams. The prompt only makes most of the actors slump in their chairs and the hams do the sleepwalker walk. We end the scene with Conrad's giving us a Synopsis of Act 3.
It's One week later and everyone is emotionally spent from the Sleep Spell Anderson could not be bothered to Write, Film or Direct! Asteroid City has become the Kitsch Tourist Trap it was always meant to be. Ricky's message to the outside world and the photo of the Alien by Augie has being made Public in that short amount of time. Since Ricky is Asian, the military still thinks he is a Red China Spy. The parents of miss June's class have come to retrieve their children, but they won't until the President addresses the Public. Montana had rigged a Closed Circuit TV, bit he can't get a Signal. A student writes a song and since the Cowboys are a band they play the Song which had the boy sing in a weird voice, fast forwarding the scene sees Montana dancing with June and they make Goo-goo eyes at each other while Saltzberg puts himself into this reality to clap along -THE END!
Not of the film-Just the Crappy Singing.
Midge is have a bath when Augie rucks up to his Glassless Window, Midge wants more Help with her Lines, which finally gets him to emote and loss his temper, and most importantly, Grieve his unnamed wife, Apparently Dinah saw "Them" last night and by them, we mean Augie standing with his pipe looking at Midge's Bare Feet from her laying on his bed.
....
The Scene Ends with Augie burning his hand on a hotplate, and not knowing why?
Meanwhile all the Inventions that can be weaponized have being confiscated by the Government. Naturally the Steenbeck Projector deemed useless, could be the thing that will save us, as Woodrow plans to project a Nonverbal message of peaceful intent onto the moon. But the right image is stumping them. With her Equipment stolen by the Soldiers. Dr Hickenlooper joins the teens as a mentor of Sorts, learning his father has ruined his chance with Dinah by sleeping with her mother, Dr Hickenlooper gives him a Pep-talk that once in a lifetime opportunities happen more than once, his Curiosity is his greatest asset, once this is all over, she would be honoured if she works have him as an assistant.
That night the townspeople are back in the crater, and the Alien Returns, just as General Gibson was to announce the Quarantine to be lifted, the Asteroid is Returned with one of the numeric Symbols etched into it! When the General cancels the Lifting of the Quarantine, Mr Kellogg And Mr Cho use their respective son's invention to fight their way out, causing a Riot. Woodrow tries to finds a slide for the message of the Alien until Dinah Passionately kisses him.
However, Augie ponders on why "Augie" burnt his hand so Jones leaves the Set into the black and white world as the scene happens, confused to why he did something not on the script, to ask Schubert Green to ask him "Am I Doing it Right?" Every night he has to go through The same process of playing a man who's heart breaks every night and she needs to told if he's doing great every single day, and it's obvious now.
The Film Asteroid City was not the main plot, it was these Black and White scenes that went nowhere, which is a metaphor for Grieve and loss.
As Shown that while Jones is on a Smoke break on a balcony, the play next door is on break also. One that Contains The Actress that played Augie's Wife (Also Margot Robbie), they speak lines from the Cut Scene where the Ghost of Augie's Wife would have visited him in his dream, to tells him that she loves him and to let go. They still can't believe that scene was Cut, maybe because they became close, and Jones like Augie didn't know how to deal with the loss.
And Before you ask, Yes Jones is still Gay but the reason he can't emote grief or anything else is that we learn Conrad Earp died in a car crash on the play's opening night!
We then cut back to the Acting class, running through the scene of the Dream Sequence, one by one, starting with Jones, each of the Actors, now in colour, say the line "You can't wake up if you Don't Go to Sleep" until it becomes a chant by the whole cast as the Alien walks onto the stage. The light dims and Cranston turns to the camera to give us a look like "Yep, That Happened!"
So the Film Resumes with Carrell telling us there was a Time Skip to get to the Conclusion, so even if the film was not the Thing to pay attention to from the get go, we Don't even get the Satisfaction of seeing any of the plotlines of "Asteroid City" played out In front of us. Everyone but the Steenbecks and Carrell and his staff have left already. They bury Mrs Steenbeck, mentioned that Woodrow won the prize, He's seeing Dinah and is ok with His Father seeing Midge when Carrell forwards her Address, even if it means he'll be the Ptolemy to her Cleopatra, (Yes I finally got the point to the Memory Game Scene!) So there is your resolution, boys and girls, The Cardinal Rule of Cinema broken not by a Two-Bit Hack, but by a director once touted as a Genius.
"Show, DON'T Tell!"
The Steenbacks loads themselves into a car, they drive out of Asteroid City, as the credits roll out, they continue to film the scene of the the city limits like something is going to happen.
What we get is a Roadrunner Running into View and starts Jumping, it's Jumps sync up with the Song that plays in the end credits.
And Isn't that Just the Microcosm of this Film?
You wait for Something to happen and when it arrives, you just shrug and take what you can get!
A 3 STAR WES ANDERSON FILM, WHO WOULD HAVE CALLED IT?
Of Course, Given who this Director is, Naturally the cast are Huge stars and his regular Muses, the Incidental Music is Whimsical, and the Scenes are Filmed in a pastel Pallet that matches with the Arizona Dessert's baroness as the perfect canvass.
However As Stated This Film's Downfall is it's Flimsy Premise of and Loss Hitting an Actor so hard it effects his character who goes through his own Arc of grief at the same time. Rather than Open with Jones hall Seducing Conrad for a part, and Second act opens with Conrad's death causing the film Reality to Split, they instead opt for this Stop-Go Direction of Conveying the Story-The film starts to gain Momentum with the Reveal of the Alien, then Grinds to halt by showing us an Improv of a scene that would look great if Filmed, then return to Film directly after what would be that scene! Because of this, we are robbed of any real Conclusion to the film, despite that "Asteroid City" is not the real plot, they Did Not try and make the black and write scenes of the "Real Plot" interesting. That's right!-We weren't SUPPOSED to pay attention To A giant Stop Motion Jeff Goldblum Alien, we were supposed to pay attention to Adrian Boring Shadow Boxing every 5 seconds in a Attempt to make himself Look Quirky and Interesting! Even the point that Grief affects all facets of a persons life and it never really goes away is almost lost on the viewers.
It's not the worst film in the world, but Definitely The worse Film by Wes Anderson.
And whoever thought they'd ever read that sentence?
CREDITS
Asteroid City was Reviewed Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham.
With Media from
Asteroid City
Dragon Ball z and DBZA
ESurance
Futurama
Death Proof
Asteroid City was produced by Indian Paintbrush and distributed by Universal. All rights Reserved
All Media used belong to their respective owners.
NEXT MONTH ONLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE!
HUGH P*RV-O GRANT ROLLS A D20 For Career Resurgence!
He Rolls a Nat1! Critical Failure!
I've eluded to it last month, might as well do it!
NEXT MONTH WE REVIEW DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS.
DUE TO THE SIZE OF THIS REVIEW THE FIRST CHAPTER OF THE STORYLINE "THE 2 DEATHS OF E!" WILL START NEXT MONTH IN THE DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS REVIEW SO USE THIS REVIEW AS THE STARTING POINT TO THIS NEW STORY!
