The following Film is Rated 12.
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| "I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE, SOMEBODY'S WAAAAATCHING MEEEEE, I HAVE NO PRIVACY!" |
We Continue in the DC universe with one of DC's Secondary Tier but Just as Popular Heroes. Specifically the Third Blue Beetle Jaime Reyes! You see despite DC having its New 52 reboot that was supposed to clean the slate and restart the Universe with all stories happening all at once, no more editorial Changes, No more Infinite Earths. The DC universe was no longer going to be Confusing for new fans.
Hahahaha!
So of course they forgot that characters are not the first version of Characters. Namely they forgot Barry Allen was the Second flash and made Jay Garrick the Earth 2 flash, going back on what they set out to do.
And to our hero of this film, whose predecessors are treated like footnotes.
We start our Adventure in Some kind of Tundra. In a Yurt, A Buff Tattooed Man is looking at a Pocket watch in the Glow of a Fire, when he hears the Sound of Helicopter Blades.
When out comes of a Purple Disco stick Helicopter is our Villain Susan Sarandon, playing a Gender bent Jarvis Kord of Kord Industries. She's rude to a Hispanic Worker (FORESHADOWING!) and meets the Buff Man she calls Calapax as they head towards a Perfectly Round Meteorite. Kord is certain "The Scarab is inside!"
After an opening montage that blurs through 6 decades of Mythos. The Scarab, found by Dan Garrett, the first Blue Beetle, until his passing results in it coming into the possession of Ted Kord, who used the Scarab as both a tool for Crimefighting and it's technologies to become an industrialist, to his "Disappearance" WINK, WINK! Leading to Jarvis, now Victoria Kord in Charge of Kord Industries. And every time the Blue Beetle Passes, the Scarab Disappears.
Until Now!
Cut to Palmera City, Florida and Graduate Student Jaime Reyes ( Xolo Marioduena) Returns home, However his Family are Hiding Bad News from him. A Giant Humvee goes to meet them and it's Driven by George Lopez, because every Film with Hispanic actors has to have him! But George is very Jumpy about being out in public.
"Cameras Esse! Facial Recognition, Holmes!"
"The Last thing I want is all the Comedians I stole Jokes from to recognise me, that's why I'm wearing a fake goatee, Holmes!"
At a Restaurant, the Truth comes out, The Reyes are Losing their home, the Autoshop is out of business with Rudi (Lopez) blaming Kord for making Petrol obsolete and Papa had a Heart Attack. But they didn't want Their son to Fail because of Worry!
So instead you are guilt tripping him to be the sole breadwinner. Good job, assholes!
Actually, I'm wrong because his family's poverty was always his motivation. That night he and his sister (Becky G) are on the roof look towards the Encroaching Kord Tower, His sister Laughs that how Naive Jaime is: thinking a Degree will be enough when he's Hispanic.
We Cut to Jaime Standing in a White suit in a plush House with a Big Swimmin....Yeah OF COURSE HE'S A MEXICAN CLEANING WHITE R*CISTS SWIMMING POOLS!
Said White R*cist Naturally is Victoria Kord, who is visited by Ted's Daughter Jennifer who wants to why her father's Crime Fighting Technology is being used for Private Military use in Creating what is called O.M.A.C. (Named after a Silver age DC Hero!)
Jennifer Accuse her Aunt of Manufacturing weapons, which is Something "we Didn't Agree on"! But Victoria points out there is no "We", there is only herself and some Brat still on the Payroll doing Charity solely for PR after her Father left her AND DEFINITELY NOT HELD ON MY PRIVATE ISLAND, I'M NOT GIVING AWAY PLOT EARLY, YOU ARE!
Jaime intervenes in the Argument and Victoria fires him and his Sister. And while Jennifer is not impressed with Jaime's Chivalry, she is responsible for his firing, so Jennifer give him a Job interview tomorrow.
That Night Jaime is contemplating the job interview when he hears music in the garden and sees his father Drinking despite his heart attack. Jaime tells his father, he feels like a Failure for not finding opportunities. But his father let's him know everyone has a Purpose-Even Jaime Reyes from the Barrio in the Keyes.
It's the day of the Interview and the entire Reyes Family are here to Cheer on/Embarrass Jaime.
After Going through the "Jamie Reeves" bit from the comics, Jenny does some Corporate Espionage. Exclaiming "She Found It!" Seeing and Grabbing the Scarab Which Jenny hides in a Chicken Shop Box. Seeing Jennifer, Jaime Chases after her to get proof that he has an appointment, while Victoria's Hispanic Punchbag calls for a Security lockdown. Jaime catches up to Jenny, so she panics and hands Jaime the box, Telling him, not open it! The Fate of the world depends on no Mortal hands touching the contents of this Chicken Box!
So Anyway Jaime opens the box, because his family chants at him! They proceed to play keep away with the Scarab until Jaime catches it and it springs to life, Facehugging his head and causing Xolo to flail about like he's auditioning to be Stanley Ipkiss in the Mask remake!
After the Scarab Dreamcatcher's Jaime's Butt, And burns him from the inside out to form the Armour, the Blue Beetle is Reborn. With an AI Only Jaime can hear!
"INITIALIZING IRON MAN RIP-OFF SEQUENCE!"
-Wait, What?
"BEGINNING INVOLUNTARY FLIGHT MONTAGE!"
-I don't think...
"CHANGING TROUSER COLOUR TO BROWN!"
So Jaime Destroys the house he was trying to save -WHOOPS!
One Flight Montage that has N*zi Rat Lawyers Throwing Furniture Around, he makes it to a City centre as a bus was to run him over, until the Scarab makes a force field that rips the Bus in half as it Continues to drive through The Blue Beetle.
THINK JAIME, THINK!
All the while 3 Randos, 2 Hispanic and the First Black actor seen in the film all think it's all an effect of an Edible!
Back in what's left of the Reyes' house, Abuella lights a candle of a Shrine to Jaime, while Mama's phonecall to the police is treated as a crank call. Jaime crashes home, the Suit reactivates, leaving Jaime naked as he flops unconscious.
He wakes with the Family Naturally Performing A Seance on him. He redresses, noticing the Scarab firmly Attached to his Spinal cord. Rudi tells him not to contact Kord or the Police, as the Gringos would arrest Jaime and Cover up the Destruction as A Bunch of Mexicans who burned their house as an insurance scam. Distracted by Them Singing TV Themes from out of nowhere, Jaime Steals Rudi's Humvee.
Driving to Kord Industries, Jaime Conveniently Finds Jenny in Distress. And soon the car is shoot up by mercenaries. They Drive Back to Jaime's Home, while in the back George Lopez is screaming like Kanye West Hit him with a baseball bat again!
So Jenny kind of Glazes over what the Scarab is, by saying "oh, It's just a planet Destroying Weapon that belonged to my dad!" She says there should be key Documents at Kord Industries, Sadly tonight is The Big Product reveal party, never mind security at high alert after the theft. Luckily, Rudi is Somewhat of An Inventor Himself, as he's being Working on Something!
At the Kord Party, Ignacio Calapax is Shown to be the Test Subject from the Prototype O.M.A.C already Grafted to the back of his Head. He tells Kord that he will personally get to the Scarab back. Kord tells him he better, it's the Key to get O.M.A.C fully functional. It seems Victoria and Ignacio have some indebted servitude/Forbidden love Dynamic, given how she practically almost introduced him to a party guest as "One of the Good Ones!"
Rudi had invented a Signal Jammer called "El Chapo", Strong Enough to override the security feed with with Cartoons. The Key Jenny was seeking was a Fitbit! So what ever it does, it would be nice, if she gave it to Jaime, not runaway when Calapax attacked!
Despite O.M.A.C being a Cruder Technology compared to the Scarab, at least Ignacio has Autonomy over it. The Scarab Practically takes over Jaime's actions as almost has Him backseat his own body nearly committing Murder. A mercy that nearly costs the blue Beetle Until Rudi runs O.M.A.C over.
The Trio of Jaime, Jenny and Rudi, make it to Jenny's Childhood home. Where the Fitbit opens a Secret Door to a bat...er, Beetle Cave. Rudi can't believe it, Ted Kord was the blue Beetle, An old school Superhero. It helps that Jaime's and Ted's Costumes are so Different that no one could join the dots.
Jenny Exposists what everyone knows. That, Ted Could not Bond with the Scarab after Dan Garrett died. So he carried on the only way an inventor could, by using Technology from the Scarab to invent Superhero gear, (and make money in his Civilian life too!) If there is a way to Separate Kadj-E-Gar from Jaime (Jaime learned it's name from it's Now Symbiotic Link with him) It'll be on file.
So finally they info dump 6 decades of Continuity into the Bad news that the Scarab will only come off via the death of the current host.
Jaime is upset that he's practically given A death Sentence, Just for Wanting to improve his lot in life, But Rudi doesn't see it that way, he sees the Scarab as a Gift from the Universe, A Sign that Someone Cares about the underdog. Jenny Runs Up to Balcony they were standing in as she points to the sky, One of Kord's Gaudy Purple Nightlight helicopters is flying towards the Edge Keyes Barrio. Jaime tries to Fly but The Scarab decides now is time to let Jaime figure out how to activate the powers!
Jaime works out that the Scarab attached to his Back forever, won't let it Him Die, So when he Jumps off the Balcony, the suit Flies towards the House as the Reyes is Surrounded by the Mercs Kord has in her employ.
As you'd expect from a one Dimensional Rac*st with A Bankroll, Victoria has no qualms using Jaime's Family as Target Practice, to test his capabilities. While Calapax Charges A Rail Cannon made of Scarab Technology. Billie and Papa are Captured but are saved....until Papa has a Heart Attack and dies! Distracted, Jaime doesn't see the Claw and Chain shot by Calapax, which electrocutes him and Disarms the Armour. The House burns down as Calapax Drags Jaime like a Wounded Gazelle, All the While The Latino Punchbag "Sanchez" grows a Conscience!
The Reyes reluctantly Trusts Jenny to get Jaime Back but only she knows where he's held: that Private Island THAT DEFINITELY WAS NOT A PLOT POINT! So the Reyes are flying in a Blue Beetle shaped Helicopter, they find weapons in their quest of side characters saving a superhero to diminish his creditability, but wonder how to use them.
It Would be R*cist if Now they Revealed that, I don't know, Nana was a Cuban Revolutionary or something Stupid like tha-
(FILM REVEALS EXACTLY THAT WORD FOR WORD!)
Jaime regains Consciousness, but is upside down in some king of disc, Jaime asks "Sanchez" to free him, but Victoria arrives. Her plan, extract The Scarab's coding into O.M.A.C, which will kill Jaime.
So after the Side Characters do a Big Dahm heroes including the Helibug having a Fart attack, Jenny sees that Jaime is being Tortured while his life force is being drained to power Hundreds, if not Thousands of O.M.A.Cs. This Causes Jaime to have a out of body experience, the Ghost if his father telling him it's not his time yet! This Causes Jaime and Kadj-E-Gar, Both non the brink of Death to merge as one, just as Calabas Loses Himself to O.M.A.C. But Sanchez frees Jaime telling his boss his Name is Jose Dela Cruz!, Only for O.M.A.C to kill Jose. Jaime runs into Nana with a Rail Gun mowing down security, as at the same time, Jenny's grenade backfires and causes her to be captured by her Aunt. He runs back despite the Unpowered armour being just that, armour. Until a Motivational speech from Mama makes the Blue Beetle Go Diesel, even Kadj-E-Gar can now can Habla Espanol.
Blue Beetle rescues Rubi and Billie from some Grunts until O.M.A.C. Charges at them. While having a midair dog fight, O.M.A.C matches Blue beetle move for move and weapon for Weapon, Worst still being O.M.A.C is attached to the mind of a Veteran Soldier. But Jaime has an Advantage
He gets some hits in, but O.M.A.C Just whales on Blue Beetle. O.M.A.C taking a potshot at Rudi causes Blue Beetle to go Super Saiyin with a Kamehameha!
In Kord's Gaudy Helicopter, Victoria Brags about Winning, that's when Jenny... blows some Bubblegum her father made... which becomes an all expanding anti Inertia Barrier which causes the Kord's to crash from a helicopter without Major Injury!
Jaime goes berserk on O.M.A.C, but Kadj-E-Gar stops him. The Scarab shows Jaime Memories Extrapolated from Calapax' mind from the data Transfer, Showing his mother killed by a Bomb and his kidnapping and Brainwashing, and Bionic Enhancements into a Child Soldier program lead personally by Victoria Kord. The only thing He has left is the pocket watch with the picture of his mother, So Jaime spares him. Meanwhile Rudi is not Stealing jokes from angels, he's alive, dangling from the ropes by the Helibug! The Kords miraculously dropped 10 feet from the battle, Jenny smashing the data underfoot. Ignacio grabs Kord as Kadj warns that O.M.A.C's Core Generator is being overloaded to Critical. Jaime and Jenny escape while Ignacio drags Kord to the fire the Battle caused as Ignacio sees the ghost of his mother before both villains are engulfed in more flames!
And so Rudi flies in the Helibug as Billie pulls up Jenny who in turn pulls up Jaime.
Jump forward a few days, and the World learns of Victoria Kord's Evil term of leadership at Kord Industries, via a press release by Jenny. Returning from Papa's Funeral, The Reyes look at the destruction of their home, They wonder what they can do, that's when the whole community rallies to help, With Kord Industries Bankrolling the Repairs. Jenny and Jaime kiss and they Superman Romance Fly into the air as a title drip starts the credit roll but there is a Stinger, a Message in the Beetle-Cave, Ted Kord is alive!
This film is 3 stars and nothing more!
Giving this film more attention than it warrants would make people think it's better it worse than it actually is.
First Xolo Marioduena is giving his first starring role the college try, the sweet moments and Humble beginnings with Jaime and his family is what you expect from A film about Blue Beetle #3. And the Special effects are incredible.
But DC have a strange way of making plots for their heroes. It seems they write their movies as if Sequels are a sure thing and will only put a major threat in that movie.
Don't believe me?
Green lantern shows Sinestro experimenting with Yellow Energy, but Instead the villain was a Little Person with a Big Forehead!
Justice League: we were Promised Darkseid, Despite my Opinion he is overused in DC Media, but instead we got Steppenwolf, which was redesigned into a werewolf because If non DC-fans find out he's just a guy with the power of Driver's license, they wouldn't show up.
Why, even last month's review, they wasted a good plot just to end Warworld by telling us there is a sequel!
And now- We Don't get the Reach, we get Jarvis genderbent, played by once a star, Susan Sarandon playing a one note, Generic, Rich White Rac*st! THIS IS EMBARRASSING! Coming off the momentum of Justice League. But instead we have a film that doesn't know what it wants to be, when they Try for Social Commentary, it comes off as Offending everyone, when they try for Comedy it comes off as Cringe! The sequence where our hero had to be saved by Civilians, only weakens Jaime, O.M.A.C Is a Strong Foil, but there is a problem, if there was a Sequel involving the Reach, how do you implement Black Beetle, a character who looks, sounds and had the M.O. of The Villain we had in the previous film?
Answer:YOU CANT!
You either go through the motions or you drastically change the main iconic Villain of that hero!
Fans who waited so long to see Blue Beetle get the Silver screen treatment, I'm sorry but this should have been a TV show, with a big budget! Not a movie! That's my Opinion!
CREDITS
Blue Beetle was Reviewed Compiled and Edited By Eamonn Bermingham
With Media From:
Blue Beetle
DC COMICS
Wonder Showzen
Loony Tunes
Spongebob Squarepants
WWF RAW IS WAR
All Media Used Belong to their Respective Owners.
Blue Beetle Was Produced by Warner Bros, Under Licence by DC COMICS! All rights Reserved!
NEXT MONTH ON BOGGERBOXOFFICE!
Given March is The Month that Contains Saint Patrick's Day, it's only fair I review the First Irish language film to be Nominated For ( and Snubbed out of!) an Oscar. An Caileen Cuain (The Quiet Girl)
