But Rather it is a layered voluminous ocean of infinite black and vacuum and the luminous galaxies and stars, shining from all sides like oil on clear water, Each layer, its own universe, with it's own Earth, Blissfully unaware of the existence of the others.
We had always seen on this blog,stories of interactions with other worlds, of a foolish time-displaced boy and his deal with the devil, and the heroics of his friends to destroy, and later, Save, Hell!
But this story is not about the boy.
Or his Friends.
Or The Devil.
...at least, not Yet!
This story starts on an entirely different Earth.
New London (Formerly Dublin)
British Dominion Of Ireland
Thursday 7th February
Mist and Soot covers the streets on a cold night, the air is still in this steampunk version of Northern Europe, With no sound but the churn of waterwheels, the buzz of Neon Lights, the Trudge of work trains, the Hum of Zeppelins overhead.
In a Mansion Kept Preserved from the Concrete Invasion, A young Messenger has made the Perilous Journey to send a letter to Occupant within. The Holographic Letter is picked up by a Manservant and Read. His Master is Currently bathing, but this far too important for Protocol and Modesty!
-MY LORD!
-Yes, What is it, Darjeeling?
-I'm Afraid The Italian Party has being Compromised, But we have confirmation that the Countess is there, In all her finery as it were.
-I See. Darjeeling, I am going out. If Leader is crashing my Party, then I will bring enough Party favours all round!
-I shall Prepare your outfit, Sir...But I'm Afraid your Helmet has being damaged by gunfire after that nasty business with the now late Kaiser of America, Trump
-Don't Worry, My Face shall be the last thing the Paladins, EVER SEE!
-(Chuckles) Very Good, Sir. I shall Wake Oracle for you.
In a ballroom, 3 Italian aristocrats, 2 men and 1 tall beautiful woman dressed in Revolutionary Age fashions, are waiting. over the woman's collar d'etage, is a necklace with garnets set in gold in the Middle a larger gemstone,
He is late, Daughter You shouldn't have trusted a child to send a message
(footsteps where heard outside)
You worry too much Papa, he is now here, Stefano, the door, a-please!
the door opened and Stefano was blown across the room with shot of a laser rifle, Out of the smoke the angelically themed armour of the Paladins caused ironic terror to the Italians. Over a voicebox, a distorted voice barked commands at them
ATTENTION ALL ENEMIES OF THE STATE! YOUR ARE SURROUNDED! SURRENDER TO YOUR LEADER!
AND NOW! OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!
(this song really covers the Agony and Ecstasy of Reaching 10000 pageviews and all the money and health problems suffered afterwards
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uBosAirL8ds
-knock knock
-Who's there?
-SETH GREEN
-SETH GREEN WHO?
-EXACTLY!
A Popular joke on the internet, yes but a cruel one, said by people who think actors who become Voice actors are failures! that with every terrible film Mr Green was in, no wonder he can only get work playing with his dollies!
1) Robot Chicken is Awesome! 2) being on the Wrong side of 6ft myself (5ft 4in), it's hard to be taken seriously! and 3) #VoiceActorsMatter cartoons and videogames are getting more engaging than live action. and if you think voice actors are people who have never being in a important film, or doesn't have "the look", or has no respect in the entertainment industry, then these people would like to have a word with you!
At the same time though, Seth was in Mars Needs Moms!
With that in mind, let's dig into Without a Paddle to see how far up You-Know-What-Valley we really are!
1st our cover, it's just our 3 leads standing abreast in water, only Seth has not touched bottom!
We start with a VHS tape of some young boys, making a tree-house and patishes of 80s films. We cut to 92 and the boys now teens are saying goodbye to their leader, Billy, as he leaves town, leaving Dan (Seth Green) Tom (Dax Sheppard) and Jerry (Max Lillard) to Ponder what great things they will accomplish...only for ten years to pass and Tom is a mooching sex fiend,Jerry has a dead end job and a nagging girlfriend, and virgin Dan is a Doctor who is BULLIED BY THE SAME SCUMBAGS WHO COME TO HIM FOR HELP! Jerry calls Dan on the phone, Billy has died and his body is coming home to Oregon.
Billy was a daredevil explorer, who has been to every country and left a lover in everyone, after the funeral and drinks the 3 friends climb their tree-house, with SafetyNazi Dan falling off. But Don't worry, Seth Green doesn't have far to fall from!
Inside, they remember that all 4 were obsessed with the heists and disappearance of real-life criminal mastermind, D.B Cooper, to the point of actually planning to find the treasure where his plane crashed in Oregon, so they decide as a tribute to their fallen friend, to find the treasure in their states backwoods. Dan has other responsibilities, but after Tom and Jerry threaten to stab him, they convince him otherwise.
Using a map created by Billy a Year prior, they head to the backwater of Calvado Falls, and rent a canoe, despite warnings from the Sheriff, Jerry's passive-aggressive girlfriend and the canoe guy.
After Joey Ramone's terrible version of What A Wonderful World (No Offense to the Ramones-BUT LISTEN TO THIS SHIT!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8IoO5nkxT_4
...They moor at Grandfather's Nose, and Set up camp and bitch the 1st of many times in this 90 minute film, bitch about their incomplete lives (Dan's virginity and fear of the dark, Jerry's lack of commitment, and Tom's denial of how much of a idiot and scumbag he is, siting A CURSE! as an excuse!) When Dan bets his 10000 dollar share on If Tom can't catch a salmon with a flashlight
PLOT POINT!
He inadvertently steals the fish from a bear who kidnaps Dan as her cub and makes him eat roadkill, eventually the 3 heroes sleep in a tree until something worse than a bear scare in away!
Using Dynamite to fish are two Hillbillies, heading back to the canoe, bear attacks has revealed their supplies eaten, including Jerry's phone...
PLOT POINT!
And some of the map, leading the boys straight over a waterfall destroying the canoe and probably their friendship. the map is lost but they find civilization...only it's the Hillbillies compound, the trio discover they are pot farmers and the run for their lives again...causing a fire to their Hillbillies supply and a nasty bullet wound to Tom, As Dan stitches him up, Tom confesses that the "curse" is really a gambling addiction, Jerry hears his ringtone, only to remember what happened to his phone and the boys run from...the sound of a bear off camera...
Animal Trainers must charge by the hour!
With the Pot Farmers tracking them on their quad bikes, the 3 stumble on a pair of scantily clad hippies, the scene only serves as a means for the boys to get a radio (Besides fanservice for both sexes, as the boys are told to get out of their wet clothes!) Dan falls for either Flower or Butterfly (they are dressed the same, and the blonde's hair is dirty to confuse her with the brunette actress, the 12 rating and the Informed Ability of Tom seeing Butterfly's "downstairs" doesn't help!) but the only people with radio contact are the Hillbillies, who have come to cut down their treetop home, but they repel them with bags of shit. the boys now in their underwear and miles from home, caught in the rain, and are captured by a forest-dweller (Burt Reynolds)
Inside, the Recluse's cabin has identical maps to the one the boys had, Reynolds tells them he is not D.B. Cooper, but infact his partner in crime, Del
Jerry retrieves his phone from a bear turd, but being dumped by voicemail has made him more shellshocked than being caught in the crossfire of Del's compund shot up by hillbillies! in their escape they find D.B. Cooper's body but he burnt the money to keep warm, but they realize the REAL! Treasure of D.B. Cooper is living without fear.
OH SOME SHIT!
Let's Finish this!
With a New Sense of Self, Dan face his fear of the Dark and ambushes the Hillbillies, the sheriff arrives to reveal he is a Drug Baron, So Jerry pockets and lobs a grenade that takes out the 3 villians, who are arrested, Del returns to Civilization to bury D.B and hand over his $10,000 share, which goes to Tom because of the salmon wager, Jerry gets back with his Girlfriend, Dan gets with one of the hippies, even living in the Tree-house and so this film ends with Tom becoming a scout Leader, exaggerating the story for kids.
THIS FILM IS A BIG MEH!
This maybe the best film co-produced by So Called Music Television, but only due to the fact they kept the low common denominator of poop-jokes and sex to a bare minimum. the opening scenes of Billy's death seem hollow because of the lack of emotional attachment and the rest of the cast were Flanderizations of very small character traits (hypochondriac, yuppie, trailer-trash, hippy and Hillbilly). It's got some decent laughs and a nice Late 80's-Early 90's soundtrack, so I'll give you that!
CREDITS
Without A Paddle was reviewed, compiled, and edited, by Eamonn Bermingham,
with music from
KSI AND JME-KEEP UP!
And Joey Ramone-What A Wonderful World
Without A Paddle was co-Produced by Paramount and MTV.
All Rights Reserved. All images and music belong to their respective owners.
NEXT MONTH ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...
I LIKE HARRY HILL, BUT I ALSO LIKE COMMON SENSE, BUT WHICH IS BETTER? THEIRS ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT...FIGHT!
HARRY HILL THE MOVIE IS NEXT MONTH!
