EPISODE 87: Eamonn reviews JCVD

(This Month's theme from the Soundtrack- Unknown Artist-With a very nice cover of David Bowie's Modern Love)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMx9_CkIqAQ
Like I said that month, Jean Claude Van Damme is to many a divisive actor, if you think horror and sci-fi was a saturated genre in this decade, this was nothing compared to the slew of martial arts films in the 90s. And no-one is a bigger target to all your favourite Channel Awesomers than JCVD!

Taking a cut out of I Am Bruce, Jean plays a semi-autobiography of himself, an aging, bankrupt movie star with alimony coming out the wazoo, who's directorial debut about his connection to his faith, lost him many of his over-excited teenagers that his film caters for!

This is considered his comeback film-so lets find out if JCVD paid his "dits" or if he hasn't still got his "wakaka"?

Okay this is a bad start, it's being produced by Gaumont, the animation company that makes Oggy and the cockroaches-AKA Tom and Jerry Knockoff With Gay Overtones!

So we see the man himself doing this thing on set of his latest film, until an actor collapses the entire set by banging a door, Jean complains that he can't do a scene in 1 take at his age, the Japanese director berates him in Japanese, who asks if Jean thinks he's making Citizen Kane 

NO ONE EXPECTS CITIZEN KANE FROM JCVD! ONLY THAT HE TOOK HIS ELOCUTION LESSONS!

We cut to a paternity Trial, where the prosecutor has harped on about the violence in JC's Movies, thus losing the right to custody to his daughter. It turns out to be a flashback, transitioned nicely by a wavy wipe that turns into JC washing his face to hide the fact that he was crying!

-JC asks if can he at least be rewritten use a gun in some scenes so he can catch his breath-but the director's assistant says  he won't because JCVD's characters never used guns because they were "pure!" 

JEAN CLAUDE FOR 13TH DOCTOR! YOU HEARD IT HERE 1ST!

We cut to Belgium where in a video shop an Arab man is laughing at the authenticity of an Arab Character in a film, when JCVD Walks by, he and the shop owner stop him for autographs, before he heads off, an elderly cab-driver, tries to park on double yellows when a cop arrives-when she berates JCVD-Shots are fired-literally! as the Post Office he went to is robbed. the policeman runs to see Van Damme boarding up a window, the sliding door opens so much to let fly a few bullets into his leg as the policeman calls for backup!

The Next scene is the video-shop turned base for the police-At this point, the entire film is in Flemish with subtitles. Commissioner Christian Bruges comes in contact with JCVD, who tells him a man is unconscious and bleeding and to send a doctor in, unarmed, LT. Pertier of the SWAT Team has arrived, but since the police are not trusted they are told to come in just their underpants as the crowd mocks them.

Inside Jean Claude has a man who is obviously not a villain (!) at knifepoint, but when the doctor treats the wounded man, Van damme attacks him, but what the police doesn't see is that 1 of the robbers had a gun pointing at him, and he quickly pockets it, the hostages too scared to speak out of turn.

Inside and outside the heels and faces argue-the robbers talk about asking for a higher ransom, the police about sending in the swat team, Another wiretap reveals the robbers are using van damme as their mouthpiece/scapegoat, as being seen putting up a barricade by the traffic cop has reached the media, and the robbers doesn't take kindly to him adding his own terms to pay his lawyers!

In the holding room a montage of interviews by the man himself is spliced with a laff-trak, this leads to another paternity trial as Gloria Van Damme reveals she doesn't want to live with her father because of those interviews and she is being bullied.

This leads to straight after, when van damme is with his agent, when Gloria comes up, he quotes the Bard, and says "The Time And The Hour, In The Longest Day" basically, a dick-way of saying "Life Goes On" causing JCVD to leave for Belgium and to current events

In Belgium, Jcvd gets even worse news from Bernstien, his lawyer: the cheque has bounced and if he doesn't get the 64k, the case will be dropped.

We see how the what really happened when the robbery started, the robber called Arthur who is chummy with JC? Well he was posing as security guard, but Van Damme was desperate to wire money to his lawyers and got caught. We catch up to after the hostage gets shot, where Arthur is talking to JCVD and makes his feelings known about John Woo.

"If it wasn't for you, (Van Damme), that cunt would still be filming pigeons in Hong Kong!"
When he asks about to do with the shot hostage, Jean Claude says the man is in shock, when it happened to him in the making of Hard Target, he needed smelling salts.

This is funny! though, it's a hostage situation, with Stockholm syndrome...In reverse!

As the other robbers rebuild a barricade, Bruges is trying to question the woman driver who got shot, in the holding room, Arthur has stood up Coughing Hostage and put a cigarette in his mouth, so JCVD can kick it out, which he does to forced applause. Arthur tries it but collapses onto the hostage!

In the police station, the pigs go through JC's stuff, Bruges finds pictures of his daughter so he can appeal to his better nature, until he remembers that JCVD Attacked his doctor who was unarmed and carried out!

We cut to even earlier, JCVD Trying to draw money from the ATM, And we are now back in English, as he phones his agent for a loan, But he has bad news Stephen Seagall got the part he wanted and when VD asks for money anyway, his agent shafts him by doing the False Interference trope, but with an actual traffic jam soundboard!

Turns out the female driver who got shot was Jean Claude's cab-driver and berates him the entire journey for being a Jack-ass in real life-To flash back unexpectedly back to present events, the crowd is getting restless As Bruges struggles to get things under control, Bruges calls JC That he has arranged the ransom and the lawyers fees and all he has to do is release a mother and child hostages-and things seem to be going smoothly-UNTIL JC'S PARENTS SHOW UP!
Back inside Bad Hair Day Robber loses his shit again and tells him the kid won't leave but the mother will...because he's afraid the kid will talk?

Er...that kid is not a threat to you 1) the kid looks 4 at the most 2) a child that young is in legal terms an "incredible witness"-meaning a child lacks the emotional maturity to cope, comprehend and fully remember traumatic events. So JCVD Talks to his mother but at gunpoint, agitated JCVD tells his mother to leave him alone and get his lawyer right now!

Jean Claude and Bad Hair Day have a stand off-escalating at the same time the mother hostage is being separated from her son, JCVD Tells the mother he'll protect him, she replies "Speak for yourself!" Back in the Hostage room Jean's seat rises into the studio lights for him to break the 4th wall, he thanks his fans for sticking with him over the years and he was gong to him a "gift" (this film) and a "promise"-a promise of a realistic ending to this film-"I Win but Still lose!" he talks about that's his assessment of his life-really! he wanted to be a star, he went from stealing bread to being seen in Hollywood, but at the expense of everything-every time he thought he gained, he really lost, until he went to Thailand he saw people worse of than him, happy with just the martial arts, finding the inner peace that had alluded him, he decided to do the one thing that is hard for him-being the best JCVD he can be! he slumps back in his chair as it descends back into the film universe and the film concludes.

So lets finish this!
 Arthur and Jean Claude free the child, Arthur stands to Bad hair day, Arthur shoots him dead, Van Damme's Lawyer shafts him after receiving his money, Top Heavy releases the prisoners, But the riot squad shoots Arthur dead, Top Heavy uses JC as hostage, but he fights back and gets arrested-he's tried, he found innocent of the robbery-but they pop him for 3 years for extorting the lawyers fees!
And so the film ends in prison With Jean Claude teaching Martial Arts as his estranged Daughter finally sees him.

So how was this film?
(STANDS UP)
(SLOW CLAP INTO SINCERE ROUND OF APPLAUSE!)

This film!, oh man this film! where was this guy during the 90s?

Who thought a subdued JCVD would be so enjoyable to watch? Here we see the aging star in the rut he is in. the script is smart and savvy, from the back handed compliments of his countrymen, to the superdickery of the Americans, all presented in this luxuriously contrasting cinematography-the harsh light of Hollywood and the dark recesses of the hostage room-this film has the mood right down to a tee. Having it in mostly his native tongue was a better choice and idea of what would happen an action star was put in real life action film is a good plot. You can also say that the robbers are a microcosm of Jean's Career, Arthur's innocence being cajoled by rage (Top Heavy) and Ego (Bad Hair), many convos between them is actually about killing the hostages because Murderers are more famous than Bank Robbers!

In short, JCVD: A cerebral film with no Martial Arts, but that's not a bad thing!

CREDITS
JCVD was reviewed compiled and edited, by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli)
With music Modern Love by Unknown Artist
JCVD Is produced by Gaumont and distributed by Revolver Films. All rights Reserved

NEXT MONTH: THE GOLDEN COMPASS!