Eamonn reviews Thunderpants

(THE STORY SO FAR...
After defeating the Devil by choosing the ufo ending, Eamonn stepped off the Express-train to hell with one casualty, Eighties lad had being missing since March until Eamonn found his head in his fridge last month!
And it begged for help!
After being subdegated by computer programme that deletes organic matter, Eamonn went to use his patented Hadou-kara Punch! However the programme retreated.
Shaken,Eamonn told Joe-Jack what he saw, who shot him with tranks!

(We open to Eamonn and Joe-jack watching a video of Joe-Jack's antics with the unconscious reviewer, Joe-jack is laughing his head off.

So Eamonn iz it true dat yer givin' me a raise
(Joe-Jack manipulates Eamonn's Head in a nodding motion, while badly throwing his voice)
Yes Joe-Jack ye can 'ave a raise! oi'm a townie so Oi'm loaded
And yer givin' me a Christmas special dis yar?
(Joe-Jack makes his head nod again) Oh Ya! Go ahead, so you can! I'm A Hate-me-theory-test so i don't even believe in the Baby Jaysus!

NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION
It will come to no surprise that last years finale to the Harry potter franchise lived to the hype. For the entirety of the 2000s, the only competition was when Potter was in production and even then the fad of book-based children films or "potter-killers" tried to wrest viewers from Radcliffe and co. Some where successful (Narnia, Hunger games, Twi-shite) Some fell putting up a fight (Percy jackson, Prince of thieves) and some were just shite(Wimpy Kid, City of Ember, Horrid Henry)

After deathly hallows all were wondering what the first thing post-potter the young mains will do

Emma watson was in the star-studded My Weekend with Marylyn
Daniel Radcliffe was in the highly acclaimed Woman in black
And Rupert Grint...was in Ed Sheeran's Lego House
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c4BLVznuWnU
....Yeah!
Today's film was a early film of Grint and if appearances in just Music videos is a measure of his Star power, then film like this, Eastenders and panto is not far behind.

So Air freshener at the ready, this is Thuderpants.

So the film starts with a close-up shot of something green.

Get use to the colour as every costume, setting and props up to the finale in Florida has one colour scheme: green and/or black.

So the film start with Patrick Smash's birth who farts out of his mothers coot is propelled (or rather a baby doll is propelled) half-way across the ward.
Well you now know what qualifies as humour in this film. Now the important question-how more stupid can it get?

As Patrick (Bruce Cook) narrates his life, we are shown Patrick cannot control his farting. After nearly killing his dad with sonic-boom sized squeakers, Mr Smash leaves the house, Leading Mrs Smash to Drink just to get through the day. In School he Only made one friend a boy with blocked sinuses called Alan. A. Allen (Rupert Grint, whose charecter wins Most Stupid name ever!)

Cut to both boys aged 10 being bullied by Crabbe(or is it Goyle?) from Harry Potter. After being beaten up by Damian, Alan plans on inventing a eco-friendly battery and-I GET IT!

ALAN A. ALLEN! AAA! TRIPLE A BATTERY! OHOHOHO THATS FUNNY for about 2 seconds.

We met our first villain, Sir John Osgood (Peter Callow),the world's SECOND-best tenor, as exposited by the principal. the title seems to cut him up inside. In assembly, after his performance, the principal asks for complete and total silenc....OH COME ON!
IT'S A FILM ABOUT A BOY WHO CANT STOP FARTING!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LTNP792ykYM
So after the Foregone Conclusion of Patrick making an ass(boom,boom!) of himself, the boy returns home to watch the space program from Florida. Patrick actually dreams of being an astronaut but watching an interview with Nasa's Controller who says that all his astronauts are "gifted" people, makes Patrick give up on his dream.

So Patrick asks Alan to make him an invention to control his farts, with gusto he invents the eponymous ThunderPants as the CIA Looks on in a black Lincoln.

So Thunderpants collects all of Patricks "Emissions" that are contained in a lunchbox-shaped containment unit.

So after a slow motion scene of patrick eating beans with Also Sprach Zathusia in the background.(Ric Flair is not Amused) Patrick is having the best day of his life.
...Until Damien Steals the Lunchbox and is covered in farts so the entire school beats up Patrick and ties him to the monkey bars.

The next day Patrick tells Alan his dream to go into space, but when Alan tells him that it's a ridiculous dream. Patrick goes home upset.

The next day the doctor tell us that Patrick was born with 2 stomachs, the cause of his affliction.
I call BS.
Tell me not, movie, that they are only examining a boys wind-problem after 10 years and after he came into this world farting out of mothers nethers? After calling it a "gift", Patrick is convinced of using the fact that he is a fat, semi-educated, easily lead man-cow can become an astronaut, somehow.

We cut to a College where we see Osgood and reason he is the second best tenor is that he can't reach high notes. Until Chased by Damian, Patrick farts at the note he was trying to hit. So he devises to kidnap the boy to become number 1.

THAT...HAS...GOT TO BE....THE DUMBEST!....VILLAIN PLAN I HAVE EVER Heard in 3 YEARS OF DOING THIS BLOG! If you were making a list of Dumb Plans from this blog...throw it away! Because this dumber than Amy Adams coming to Ireland for a fake Custom, this is dumber than the Singing Idiots in City of Ember. This is just....DUMB!

So Alan and patrick win a flying Machine contest with patrick as the "engine",Filling Patrick with the confidence to get revenge on Damian, by following him into a forest and farting on him, while causing an ecological disaster in the process.

However the CIA is in the process on taking Alan away. So patrick takes Osgood's offer to go on his world tour to fart the high note he can't reach....i felt stupid writing that last line, i don't know if the writer felt stupid at all!
So Osgood becomes the number 1, while at the same time not paying patrick or letting him eat.

Slavery.
Y'KNOW, FOR KIDS!
After Osgood leaves, Patrick is confronted by former 1 Placido C. Placido.
Really, movie, Really?
It's bad enough when I think the movie is Made on Drugs, when your villain is named...PCP!

So Patrick blurts out he farts the high note so Placido puts a laxative out of his pocket (as you do!) and pours it on a trifle and forces Patrick to eat it. That night in Rome, Patrick Cannot Control the sustained note so it becomes an earthshattering trump. As Placido uncovers the farce, a loose light-fixture falls and kills him stone dead. Patrick is arrested and tried as a Murderer.

It's the day of the trial and Prosecutor Silk is played by....Stephen Fry?
(throws hands up)
Okay..I give up...How the Fuck did you convince Stephen fry to be in this movie?

Every person who had issues with Patrick takes turns in calling him a murderer, Patrick who doesn't have a lawyer or no one. Without defending himself. Patrick Smash, a retarded, easily-led Man-cow from an alcoholic mother and a dead-beat father is found guilty of murder, in at best, An accidental death and sentenced to death by firing squad.

WHY IS NO-ONE PROTESTING THIS?
A child is going to be shot dead by a firing squad for farting because the bolt of the light fixture was damaged. Surely because this was given world attention in the film, that someone would protest that the little duh-brain was going to get killed. Even though she was driven to drink by him, Why wouldn't his mother protest? Why isn't Any-one protesting this?
(here I would put in a youtube clip of the "It'll Just Raise Too Many questions" line from Batman Forever but there isn't one)
...Until the CIA rescues Patrick and brings him to Florida reuniting him with Alan. Appartenly the space station life support has being destroyed and Nasa doesn't have a machine quick enough nor the time to build a quick machine that wouldn't destroy the ecosystem, SO Patrick, Alan, and a mission control made up of children(We Get It, movie, Adults Are Useless!)

So let me put you out of your misery!
Patrick's farts makes the stock footage of a rocket take off, he saves the astronauts, he returns a hero and so the film ends ala the Witch Mountain Remake. I.e, All the people who made fun of the hero is kissing his ass.
I hope they brushed their teeth afterwards!
THIS FILM SUCKS!
First this film (rated pg)was not sold separately, it was sold as a three-pack with two 15 Cert films I sure kids and teenagers would be offended by anyone who gave this to them to be watched.

Now to the film, this is standard Bank holiday/Rainy day crap children film fare, with all the cliches and tropes that come with it.

Adults are indeed useless, all of them either uncaring or obsessed with the silliest of things. (Silk's counterclaim when addressing a metallurgist was anyone who hates opera deserves to die!), Patrick is an Idiot Hero with an limited amount of lines given (you will be taking shots every time Cook says "it was the best/worst day of my life. Ever.") And Rupert Grint's Loquacious Nerd is every Loquacious Nerd Stereotype ever seen. The Costumes are just black and Green with more colour given in the ending in Florida, The premise is stupid even for a kids film, and the fact that Callow and Fry are in this venture is just sad.
I would say that this film is shit but I've had enough Scat humour for one month!

(Meanwhile, In a undisclosed location, a silvery form made of data walks into a large circular room with a single statis pod erected she wipes the condolsesation to reveal 80'S LAD!

REBOOT IMMINENT...
DELETION OF PLANET EARTH FILE IS IN PROCESS...

CREDITS
Thunderpants was reviewed, Edited and Compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With clips from
Nostalgia critic
And music
Lego house By Ed Sheeran
All Clips belong to there respected owners
Thunderpants is property of sky/Film four studios and distributed by Pathe
All rights reserved.
Follow me at youtube at http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment