EPISODE 124: Eamonn Reviews Ella Enchanted

Breather Episode before it kicks off royal with 3 Tickets to hell, this because it wouldn't be a film I would pick, I can't tell when the cover is this bland.

Hell, all I get is that Anne Hathaway is in this and her character must be the eponymous Ella!

Sometimes, I'm convinced that films like these want to be reviewed by guys like me!

After seamlessly incorporating the Miramax ( The Nazi Rat's Edgy Cousin!) logo into a sweeping landscape of a fairy tale world, a familiar voice recites a expository rhyme, the voice reveals to be...

(sigh!)

Eric Idle!
Every time I see one of the Pythons do a film like this, another piece of my childhood dies.

So When Ella was born, despite the stern warning from her mother and aunt, (Minnie Driver) Lucinda, a fairy godmother, and the most Inept magic user since Clare in Mystic Force, cannot get a baby to stop crying, so she casts a spell of Obedience on the child.

Really? We are doing the "magical equivalent to real world thing" then if that's the case, we just saw this world's answer to... A malpracticing care worker! Try watching this film now with the same
whimsy!

7 years pass and despite the spell manifesting itself to make her literal minded and compliant to suggestion, Ella has a loving family and a stable childhood...

AAAAAAAND! FIVE MINUTES LATER, MOM GETS PALE MAKEUP DISEASE AND DIES! But not before revealing Mandy is a house fairy and cannot undo godmother Magic, her last order is never to tell anyone about the curse which will become a Gateway for the Hi-jinks and Bullshit in the next 80 minutes!

Par the course for a modern fairytale, Ella's father remarries a wicked stepmother called Olga (Joanna Lumley) and her two prince-obsessed daughters,Bulk and Skull Hattie and Olive, The Prince is the Nephew of the Cruel King Edgar who banished all the Humanoids to the forests, but who cares when the Prince is so dreamy
...
So it's the "I HATE DONALD TRUMP, BUT I'D SMASH IVANKA'S BACKDOORS IN!" ARGUMENT?

We learn in school that not only the king may have killed his brother, but giants and elves are enslaved to be farmers and entertainers during a debate class, her opponent, Hattie soon discovers that Ella has a curse on her, because Hattie is evil, and evil people in Disney films are not idiots!

Said Prince, Prince Charmont (Yes Really!) is riding with his uncle king Edgar and LOOK AT THIS BASTARD!

THEY ARE NOT BEING SUBTLE ABOUT THIS GUY'S MORAL ALIGNMENT! HE'S  A RACIST DRESSED IN BLACK. HAS A MOUSTACHE, AN ENGLISH ACCENT AND HAS AN ADVISOR WHO IS A TALKING SNAKE,WHO ALSO HAS A ENGLISH ACCENT!

Hell, i'm not supposed if this DOESN'T play in the Background!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bwaoRYnHG8A

The king fills his nephew with lies of treachery as they head to the opening of the mall, However the Oblivious Charmont cares nothing about the affairs of state. It's obvious the King has set his nephew up as a foppish Figurehead!

At the Opening Ella and her Token Asian friend, protest the kings Orgecide, Pissing off Hattie, using the spell to make Ella go home, the groupies chase the prince and knocks down and falls for Ella.

Of all the girls in the kingdom, His royal Himbo falls for The Sinn Fien Cindydoll!

WELL OF COURSE HE FUCKING DOES!

Being magiced off meant Ella has left her purse at the mall (it's not like she has a childhood friend who may have figured out the curse at a young age there, oh wait!) so when the prince tells her to "wait there" the spell pins Ella's inertia in the line of fire of a carriage, the Prince rescues her, but is seen by Hattie, who puts 2 and 2 together and gets 5!

As a Punishment for "Stealing her man" Hattie and Olive take in great pleasure
 in making Ella Steal at the mall and run! Ending with Ella being told to freeze by a Guard, making her actually Time Freeze in Midair!

Hattie makes Ella tell her mother that Rita the Token Asian Made her do it! The spell make Ella tell her only friend she doesn't want to see her again!

Angry that the curse has lost her only friend (one that may have figured out that something was amiss long ago because why would she remain her friend for so long?) Ella resolves to break her curse. To which Mandy gives her niece a talking Magic book (which is also her boyfriend) who track down anyone in the kingdom!

Which brings me to this point...WHY NOT TELL HER THIS SOONER? WHY NOT BEFORE THINGS GOT BAD? OK PLOT CONVENIENCE AND TROPES, BUT IF YOU EXPOSIST EARLY THAT LUCINDA "GIVES THE WORST GIFTS" (PLURAL!) THEN THAT MEANS SHE HAS GETTING AWAY WITH THIS SHIT FOR YEARS! SO IN FULL FAIRY TALE CONVENTIONS, THIS MEANS AN EPIC QUEST MUST HAPPEN, THOUGH IT'S HARD TO JUSTIFY WHEN THE VILLAIN'S M.O BOILS DOWN TO "WHOOPS! MY BAD!"

Because Ella's curse is obedience and not lack of free will, Ella uses her errands to get the evil family sick enough not get in her way, walking through the forest, she rescues an elf from bandits! the elf whose name is pronounced 20 different ways in this film will be called Sal from now on, because that was the first pronunciation i heard, wants to become a lawyer but King Edgar has forced all Elves to be Vaudevillians.

WEAR A HAT TO COVER YER EARS! JUST SAYIN'!

Ella gets an invite to the ball, Olga sees this as chance to marry Hattie to Charmont instead!

Continuing on her Quest, she is captured by Orges, and nearly eaten until Charmont rescues her again, unbeknownst to anyone, he is being spied by Hisssston. Sal tries to make his case with the prince, but the prince is too much of a fop to care!

Arriving in Giant Country, Ella learns Lucinda has already left the giant wedding party and is currently being Arrested for Drunk-Flying! Charmont is distressed that the Gentle Giants are being enslaved to farm on lands they once owned 20 hours a day (Well not too sad as he have a Dance party and a wedding reception!) Charmont discusses that once he is coronated in 2 days, he will start discussion to change the law, making Hisssston slither out of view!

Being told to stay, Charm tells slip that the Castle holds the census for every citizen in the Kingdom of Frell. The Giants find Sal and accost him into singing, but instead the spell makes Ella sing! Well it wouldn't be a Nazi Rat film without it! But did Hathaway have to BUTCHER! Somebody To Love By Queen?

...But it is enough to make Charm fall for Ella, he asks her to kiss her, but this time, despite the curse she wants it to happen!

FIRST THEY HATE EACH OTHER, NOW THEY LOVE EACH OTHER! AM I A ROBOT?

Charmont and Ella arrive at the castle at the same time, Hattie and Olive are taking a tour of the castle, they run into king Edgar, and Hattie tells the king about the curse.

Giving that they already established that every species in this world has it's own kingdom, MAYBE THEY SHOULD HAVE STARTED TO FIND THE FAIRY IN FAIRY KINGDOM FIRST?

Ella meets the king and he  takes great joy in exploiting the curse! she orders Ella, to kill Charm at the stroke of Midnight with the dagger she is giving when he propose to her!

To stop this finding Lucinda has become more imperative, but remember earlier I said that Lucinda should have being held responsible for her actions...well she has!....at the expense of finishing this film early! With Benny the Book abandoned in the castle. Ella has no way to find Lucinda, the only way to stop Charm from getting hurt, is to get Sal to tie her to a tree, Get all the elves giants and ogres to invade the castle and not release her til after midnight, since the order was specific!

BUT GUESS WHO TURNS UP?

 AND DESPITE ELLA TELLING HER THAT LUCINDA CURSE MADE HER LIFE A MISERY, LUCINDA ONLY GOES AND MAGIC'S AWAY THE CHAINS AS THE SPELL COMPELS HER TO KILL HER ONE TRUE LOVE!

Driven by forces she can't control, Ella arrives at the castle. Charm takes her to the hall of mirrors to propose, but Ella figures out that if she gives an order to her own reflection, she can break her own curse!
 WAIT WHAT?

 IT WAS AS EASY AS THAT? THERE WAS NO NEED FOR A QUEST? THAT WAS CURE THE WHOLE TIME? THE WHOLE TIME?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LTNP792ykYM

So lets finish this!

Edgar catches Ella and puts her to death, Sal and all the other humanoids stage an uprising, Ella is rescued and no longer bound by the curse able to tell charm everything, Edgar admits killing Charmont's father for the throne, Benny the Book is turned into a man. and Edgar is killed....by putting on a crown intended for Charm that he himself poisoned!

And so the film ends with Ella and Charm married, because in the words of Marge Simpson, Nothing Solves Everything Forever Like Marriage! What's that? The Elves, Giants and Ogres are Still second class Citizens? FUCK YOU, MARRIAGE ENDING! Olga is now a richer golddigger because she is now the Queen Mother? YEAH FUCK YOU, MARRIAGE ENDING!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxqMDR9gf-Y

THANKFULLY, THIS IS A DVD REVIEW BLOG, SO HIDDEN IN THE EXTRAS IS THE ALTERNATE ENDING OR THE REAL ENDING!

Ella's father divorces Olga with Sal has his lawyer, but Olga quickly gets her claws into a newly knighted Ogre! Lucinda is accosted by Hattie to make her betrothed to a prince, but when Lucinda summons the frog Prince, Hattie gets turned into a frog too, Lucinda goes to Ella , who requests that she casts a magic Gift for her Wedding, to which Ella tells the woman who ruined her Life, in no uncertain but PG terms, TO FUCK OFF!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJbmB9k2Y88

WHY WASN'T THIS THE ENDING?

THIS FILM SUCKS!

Let's Address the Elephant in the Room!
This film only exists because Moauschwitz got butthurt about the insider jokes about Disney in the first Shrek film. So the Nazi Rat got it's Adult Studio to play dirty!
 
The Ogres are deliberately designed after Shrek, and the costumes even have bare Backsides sewn into the trousers as an insult to Dreamworks.

On the Film side, apart from some good performances, Disney are too thin skinned to make parodies of themselves, any meta humour is dissolved in favour of playing it straight and the constant yanking of Ella's Chain make the Everyone is Friends After all Musical Ending Hollow with all the loose ends that a DVD EXTRA! Had to be commissioned to make things right!

CREDITS
Ella Enchanted was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham
With clips and Media from
Ella Enchanted
Futurama
The Nostalgia Critic
Wrestling Isn't Wrestling
Wwe Monday night Raw
and Music:
Supervillain by powerman 5000

Ella enchanted was produced by Disney and Distributed by Miramax
All Rights Reserved. All Media used Belong to their Respective Owners!
Follow me on Twitter at @RealEnli

NEXT;
THE FINAL BATTLE IS ON!
AGAINST THE MOST DEVIOUS VILLAIN EAMONN HAS EVER FACED...

HIMSELF!

3 PARTS!
3 REVIEWS!
THE GRINDHOUSE CONCLUSION TO THE THIEF OF BOREDOM SAGA!
WORLDS HANG IN THE BALANCE, AS WE HEAD INTO

3 TICKETS TO HELL: REFLECTIONS IN A BROKEN MIRROR!

EPISODE 123: ALMOST FAMOUS! PART 2

(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...
We started journeying through Almost famous, a coming of age story about Billy (Patrick Fugit), a 15 year old sheltered boy who wishes to become a music Journalist. Despite pleas from his mother and his hero, Billy finds himself latched to the Band Stillwater, and enters the world of Drugs, backstabbing and illicit relationships with the young groupies, Led by the Misguided WOULD-BE! Svengali, Penny Lane (Kate Hudson)We rejoin the film after Billy catches Russell having sex With Penny)

(This Month's theme, though after this film, I doubt i can ever hear this again without imagining Kate Hudson getting her Stomach pumped!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ofw_oFbWRlE

Despite his emotional state being down, Billy's notierity have gone up. He gets a call from Rolling Stone who has read his stuff in Creem. Not realising Billy is a minor,(And Billy deepening his voice didn't help) Rolling stone want's Billy to travel with stillwater  for $1000, with a wired account of $300 to pay for everything the band needs. Lester tells Billy that Rolling Stine are "Swill-Merchants" who will edit his work to make money. Billy's Mother, Elaine is also Worried, but knows he can't stop him, provided that he calls his mother at 8 every night and he returns to San Diego on Graduation Day.

So we now cut to Stillwater's Almost Famous Tour of America, First stop, Phoenix! Stopping in Tempe, Jeff (Jason Lee), the lead Singer, tells Russell (Billy Crudup) that Billy is now working for Rolling Stone. telling him to be careful and that he will ruin everything. However Russell thinks any Publicity is good publicity, Billy still needs to study, But that is impossible because of the Groupies being horrible People, Wanting to Interview Russell now, he finds him and Penny Post coitus, Moving the interview to 8, missing the time to call his mother,

She calls and gets Sapphire, the Groupie who is the 15 year old human trainwreck. Suffice to say Elaine is not happy one bit!

Russell tells Billy off record that the band has Girlfriends, even he is married back home in Detroit, so the photos and interviews of the groupies will not put Stillwater in a good Light!

Well then, DON'T SLEEP WITH 16 YEAR OLD GIRLS AND PROBABLY PAY THEM, IF THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE BAND-AIDS!

Then, On stage, the worst thing happens. Russell Grabs a faulty wired Microphone and is Electrocuted and Collapses!


In Retaliation, Stillwater trashes the dressing room, of the promoter and Crashes through the gates. Burning every bridge In Tempe, to make matters worse, Sapphire has sobered up enough to remember to tell Billy his mother called, Putting the Fear of "God" into Billy!


On the Road to Tapenga, Billy asks Penny to help him het Russell to finally commit to the interview, Penny agrees since Russell is her last "Project" before she moves to Morroco and lives off the grid forever!


Calling his Mother, Penny picks the worse time to introduce Billy to another Groupie, One so fried she forgot how private phone conversations work answering questions Billy asks his mother, the conversation only frustrates on both ends of the line!


Russell sits down to takes an interview, until the T-shirts arrive. Jeff the lead singer is pissed that the rest of the band's images are obscured whilst Russell is not. Dick tells the band to take a breather, taking Billy With him, Russell tells Billy that he is only interested in having real people in his life, and once this is all over, he wants to settle in a small town like the one he is in now, Tapenga. He gets Billy to open up about his life under his Mother's Rule and how is split his sister away. Billy excepts the invite of some high school kids who are throwing a party.

The Kids are starstruck by Russell's presence. Unfortunately, The High school party has LSD, Leading to Russell to climb on the party-house and Claim he is "A GOLDEN GOD!" Then swandives into the pool below! Dick rescues Russell the next morning and the entire Bus regale him with a rendition of Tiny Dancer (THE ORIGINAL VERSION! NOT THE SHIT VERSION WITH THE CROWBARRED LYRICS! TINIE TEMPAH CAN EAT A DICK!)

Billy's interview is due the day after the Greenhill show, he is also to return to San Diego for Graduation, but a sense of Belonging and the Frustration of Russell's Aloofness, Writer's block and the Groupies wanting to deflower him out of a sense of ennui, Thankfully Billy is grounded to see through the delusion of Penny thinking she has a chance with Russell, but the temptation is too great and Billy has lost control, lost his Virginity, lost his notes, and if Rolling Stone don't get an interview, forget about getting paid!

The live of the road has also become just as frustrating. The groupies now accept Billy, if only below them in the pecking Order, and the illicit affair between Penny and Russell continues to be Billy's biggest obstacle.

In Cleveland, Billy calls home and Russell interrupts. He gets the earful from Elaine, one which silences the usually silver-tongued guitarman. After a successful Support of Bowie, The Band Dump Dick in favour of Big Time Manager, Dave Hope. Stillwater has Sold Out, abandoning their sentimental bus for a Private Jet .

In Boston, and Billy has tracked the band to a poker game, where Russell has essentially sold the girls, even Penny for $15 and a case of Heineken. Billy seems confused that Penny has being taking it well, But only because she is so wrapped in this delusion that more than just a cheap tart paid in cigarettes, that she considers going to Detroit to kill Russell's wife. Billy calls her out on her stupid behavior, citing that her, Sapphire, Crystal and Anna Paquin's unnamed character "worth" is 15 dollars and a case of beer!

New York and Stillwater's wives are in town to see them. Penny has arrived to under name of Emily Rugburn. To make Russell finally commit to the Interview, Billy lets the band know they will be going on the cover of Rolling Stone. since Stillwater has sold out, they no longer put "The Enemy" in contempt. Russell's wife notices Penny/Emily staring at Russell, who denies knowing her, Jeff tells Emily to get lost. Billy runs after her and finds her drunk and alone. she collapses and Billy calls the paramedics to save the girl, meanwhile, in the San Diego, Billy has missed Graduation, as the speech goes on about those graduating moving and using the strength of integrity and common sense to survive in this new world, we are forced to see Penny/Emily, a girl with none, fighting to survive in the world she made! As the doctors save her life, Billy realizes that he cares for her.


Because of him saving his life, Penny Opens up, 1st, she lied about all her adventures world-wide, in fact all her world knowledge is second from other groupies. secondly her Real name is Lady Goodman, because she was abandoned at Birth without name, and American law requires a full name of an orphan to process paperwork. So she boards a plane and leaves for the Real world!

Meanwhile Stillwater's own plane flies into an Electrical storm. Fearing Death the band and the others let out some home truths (Jeff's resentment that his band has become "Russel's" band, Dick's embezzlement, Russel's Affair with Penny, and the events of the last scene. they survive and yet, they didn't!

So Let's finish this!
Stillwater disbands, Russel tells Billy to write whatever, Rolling Stone learns Billy is only 15, and writes his report, however learning that they come off as Jerks (AND PEADOS! ARE WE REALLY DOWN PLAYING THE AFFAIR TO THE VERY END?), Stillwater deny everything, and thus Billy is not paid. On his flight home, he bumps into his sister, Anita still working as a stewardess and he convinces her to return home, Sapphire who now "working" for Blueberry Pie, Convinces Russell to call Lady/Penny to apologize and comes to San Diego Personally to apologize to Billy. Russell has confirmed everything to Rolling Stone, the band reforms, Billy is paid and offered a fulltime job at RS, And so our film ends with Lady Goodman leaving for Morroco. And if this was Britian, around this decade, Russel would have being Questioned as part of Operation Yewtree!

I MAY HAVE DISMISSED THIS AS A FILLER EPISODE, I WAS WRONG, THIS FILM RULES!

This Film is a lesson in Cinematography, acting, scenery and soundtrack! It's cast went to become the elite of silver and small screen, From the Minute we see Christmas scenes in Sub-tropical California, we are placed in a world with a warped Reality, from Eliane's Warped view that only her children will be the future, to the band's Hedonism, to Penny/Emily/Lady's over inflated and near Fatal Self Importance, Billy's Journey from Sheltered Mama's Boys to Hardened Young Writer. is that a journey, signposted by a superb supporting cast, and one hell of a soundtrack!

CREDITS
Almost Famous was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited into 2 parts by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli on Twitter)
With Clips and Music by
in Part 1
Almost Famous
Fever Dog from the "Almost Famous" Soundtrack

AND PART 2
"My Cherie Amour" by Stevie Wonder.

Almost famous was Produced by Columbia, all rights Reserved, all clips belong to their rightful owners.

NEXT MONTH!
THE CALM BEFORE THE STORM, A MONTH BEFORE THIS YEAR'S 3 TICKETS TO HELL. A REAL BREATHER EPISODE, ELLA ENCHANTED!