(PREVIOUSLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE...
SINCE SEX AND THE CITY,THE PAIN JUST KEPT ON COMING, A RACIST FILM, A COMA, A PITCHED BATTLE IN A SUPERMARKET, SUPERPOWERS AND THE DEVIL CLAIMING THEM AS HIS OWN.)
Hi Guys! everyone requested that i should review this film and understandably so, as a saw a Youtube video of fanboys angrily deriding this film. and there is no greater joy than watching a man my age who went to the trouble of shaving his head and drawing an arrow on it,crying!
And i know what your going to say,
"But eamonn, you promised never to review a film that the TGWTG team has done. Didn't Angry Joe review this film?
To which I answer
Who's Angry Joe?
So lets dig in, or rather rush blindly into a film based on a cartoon i never heard of, The last Airbender.
This will also be the World Record Attempt for the most Counterculture references in one review.
So the film Starts opens with people performing tai-chi to make shit shoot out of there hands. We are given a prologue.
"The Four Nations: Fire,water,air and earth lived in harmony."
There was a heart nation, but they were all pussies!
We are also told of the Avatar, the only one that can use the power of all the elements, who disappeared a 100 years ago.
Cut to a snowy terrain, where Kitara and her brother suka are hunting for food. when cracking ice, they reveal a boy and a giant Buffalo, Bringing the boy home, the village is attacked by the Fire nation, flanked by Prince Tsuko(Slumdog millionaire star, dev patel). Believing the avatar to be an old man, the prince capture all the elderly but seeing the tattoos on the boys head captures him instead.
Vowing to rescue the Boy, Zuka and Kitara discover that the Mamoswine can fly
Who uploaded that HM?
On the Fire Boat, The fire nation conduct a test on the boy he draws a flames towards himself, makes spilt water form a perfect circle, and cause a stone to stand on it side.
At the camp, Kitara's gran gives long exposition. Here's the gist the boy is the last of his kind, he is also the Avatar, who can speak to the spirit world, the Fire Nation Rebelled since they are technologically advanced didn't want to ruled by spirit so they killed all the air monks to become rulers of their own destiny.
So Chinese Guys in RED SHIRTS KILLED MONKS AND BECAME A DICTATORSHIP AND INDUSTRIAL SUPERPOWER?
If that is not a jab on Red China, i don't know what is!
So the boy escapes his cell when it is revealed his staff is a glider when Tsuko says this piece of stupidity.
"You can't Run!"
His staff is a hang-glider, You dumb Shit! What the fuck do you think is going to happen?
So Zuka, Kitara and the boy revealed to called Aang (which is mispronounced as Ong in this film.) Go to the air nation where they are met with ruin and sketonised remains! Kitara tells Aang he was frozen for 100 years. this causes the boy to go into a rage that sends his to the Spirit world, where he talkes to a CGI Dragon Head. Kitara's voice is enough to bring the boy back to reality.
Cut to the Fire nation, as he learn that Tsuko is hunting the avatar as his father has banished him for being to soft, so he destroys his combat instructors with Hadokens
Our villain ladies and gentlemen, a spoilt brat with Dada issues!
In the Earth nation our heroes and a earth bender are arrested. I should explain that not all the people are able to perform magic and are treated with paranoia and those who can are sent to Concentration Camps
Wait, war, Thinly veiled jabs at China, Concentration camps? and all this from a cartoon that's targeted at 7-10 year olds? Right....
Aang angered by this, reveals his identity and rallies the earth benders to rebel, However he tells the others that he can only control air and ran away because he wanted a normal life. He must go to each nation starting with water to learn its style.
In a fire colony, tsuko reveals that he was banished because his father drafted young boys into the army. Protesting this, his father burnt his face.
So add Torture and Corporal Punishment to the crap getting pass the the radar.
Aang is getting stronger while praticising water techniques he floods an entire lake while kitara the supposed Water bender can only muster bubbles. this makes aang remember his now dead friends so he goes to the remaining air temple in all of.....Namenotmetioned!
So the Avatar is lured into a trap, but has a vision where the dragon head tells him to go to the Water City and...wait!
Weren't they going to the water city anyway?
God no wonder he ran away he couldn't deal with Dragons and shit being Captain fucking obvious!
Aang is interrogated by Commander Jar, who deducts that aang can only air-bend. Meanwhile as jar is giving a speech a guy dressed as Afro Ninja rescues the boy.
that'll improve this film!
Samuel L Jackson!
I wonder if he'll ask if the Avatar "looks like a bitch?"
It turns out to be Tsuko in disguise and Aang unwittingly rescues him.
While the fire ship catches fire (duh!) Aangs Mamoswine uses Surf to get to Narnia!
While at the water city, aang and kitara learn water bending. and zuka falls for the princess in the space of one scene, but soot snowing down tells that the fire commies are here and what does the avatar do?
he hides to meditate by a lake, Meanwhile tzuko and kitara have montonous fight where hadoukens are blocked by water powers.but gets blindsided. Aang is captured again but the Dragon chastistes him for letting the monks die but tells him to Let The Guilt Go!
http://www.youtube.com/watchv=e5gjoTBmfo=av2e
So what is your sage advice oh mighty spirit?
Use the ocean, show the fire nation the power of water!
so beat fire with (gasp) water
That's Inspired(!)
Got to write that down(!)
Meanwhile, kitara casts a Cone of Coldness on Tzuko, Jar plans to kill the moon spirit to weakness the water power. and moon spirit is a fish in the lake aang was meditating by.
So a great and powerful spirit is a fucking fish? anyway the death of a bloody fish is enough to down aang, the princess and turn the moon red.
But the princess gives her life-force to become the new Moon spirit. Anyway jar is drowned the the fire armada is defeated by aangs tidal wave.
And the film ends with the firelord babbling about a comet and hiring his daughter to take out Aang in a bit of sequel bait.
YOU WANTED ME TO REVIEW IT!
THIS FILM SUCKS!
While i cant see it fair to make fun of the young cast. the real problem is SFX over Charector Development. and it ruin what could have being a good story. While i never sat down and watch this cartoon, and it was giving the Kiss Of Death, An Irish Translation. but Zukos romance went into more detail and kitara jealousy of aang wasnt even touched upon. Too much money was thrown on this!
(Eamonn is distracted by an air raid siren that summons an Air Screamer that flies at him but the creature is destroyed by a blinding light. opening his eyes an Ouija marker falls into his hand.)
I think someone wants to talk to me.
NEXT MONTH: DRAGONBALL EVOLUTION!
CREDITS
Review was written, compiled and edited by Eamonn Bermingham
with music by Korn.
The last airbender is property of Paramount studios
and Avatar:The Legend of Aang is property of Nickelodeon
Follow me on youtube or request films for Februrary at http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment
Thursday, September 1, 2011
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