(EAMONN LINES IN BLACK)
(JOE-JACK LINES IN BLUE)
Hello its eamonn and i'm sure your all ready for wrestlemania but today in lieu of paying money for elimination chamber i thought i'd review 12 rounds a film that stars the Gary Glitter of the wrestling world, John Cena and
DIIIIIIIIEEEEE!
(JOE-JACK START FIGHTING! BUT JOE-JACK HAS HAS HIS THROAT)
OI TOLE YA AFORE! I'M DA FILLIUM CRICKET!IF OI EVA SEE YA AGAIN I'M GONNA...
IS DAT A DAVEYDAY PLAYER
(COUGH) Take it if you want i just want to live!
i only review da fillium is in thr cinema so oi'd lioke t'watch da fillium wif ya.
sure only if you do the line!
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! WHAT FOOKING TERRIBLE FILLIUM! ITS COPYING DIE-HARD!
However its the director of die -hard thats doing this so that's pretty sad!
dis fillium starts in new orleans in france!
(idiot!)
whayasay?
...i said the agents expositions about a criminal mastermind called miles jackson (played by Aiden Gillen)
played by OUR MAN aiden Gillian ya mean.
so the feds are rumbled by the pasty and miles kills them.
DHOSE GARDS HAD TWOS DAYS TIL RETIREMENT
and how does miles thanks his friend? he kills him!
holy schmokes i thought this fillium was shite!
did you say shite? well here it is! The master of 4 moves! John fucking cena. he plays danny fisher a cop who lives with his girlfriend molly. him and his partner pull over the girlfriend of the villian this leads to a firefight where cenas partners gets shot in the arse! because arse jokes are funny right cena? what kind of idiot would that funny?
(joe jack laughs loudly)
AND DAT MANS ARSE HAD TWO DAYS TIL RETIREMENT!
BUT in the confusion the girlfriend gets ran over. distraught, miles seeks revenge on fisher who is wearing the biggest name tag ever he could put a chain on it like FLAVA-FLAV! Cena was a wannabe rapper.
next scene and its a year later its written on a screen no its on a cue-ball.that the most pointless screen wipe I've seen.
IVE GOTS ONE YEAR LATER UNDERPANTS!
THANKS FOR THAT JOE-JACK!
the gards girlfriend gets kipnapped and his house blown up in a stoopid effect!
yeah you can see the strings. i always knew Cena was a Muppet!
so its round 3 as cena does his terminator 2 be running really fast!
a riddle leads to a firestation where it maybe has a bomb in it.
a fire-station on fire. if you have to steal jokes from King of the Hill then i think you should jack it in
Roun' 4 starts and there is a bank on fire this leads to one ov many slow-motion and blue colour screen. dat get very annoying. like oi'm watchin' dis underwat'r
next the two douchebag feds turn up one of them have a plot device of a toy car that he pops the bonnet of up and down when he's nervous ...yeah!
so fisher turns up in a firemans jackets and and breaks things up in shite with an axe
HE'S A LUMBERJACK AND HE'S OKAY
BUT HE FORCES REAL FANS TO WATCH TNA!
Next roun' an danny must travel and deliver to the other side of town with da two bombs . t'make it easier fisher uses da handy spools of cables to get down
oh yeah because every bank has those!
so danny uses da bridige to get to da pier . oh and t'run over a pop-corn machine a Hawaiian style pub and 7 cars.
those pop corn machine, Hawaiian style pub and 7 cars had 2 days left til retire-
shut up!
round 6 starts in a hotel room danny is paired with a hotel security guard call willy and both a stuck in a lift the round is decide who gets out alive from the lift before it free falls but danny tries to save willy but he cant this was the only good scene in this film!
having tiome to reflect in slow motion. miles calls fisher in a rip-off of die-'ard 3 where da bad-guy taunts da FBI.he says that his next clue is a pic-daw of lonely man. he finds it.and miles taunts fisher be taking out his sims so no -one can finds him!
dahmmit miles o2 4 free sims plan is one per customer!
so roun' 7 is on a bus dere is a bomb on da bus buts its on molly!
(DRAMATIC MOOSIK!)
the bus is also filled with the dumbest people on the bus! they obviously see miles hand-cuffing fisher,fisher curses and a bomb obviously glowing through mollys jacket and they do nothing!
so da feds try t'shoot OUR MAN but fail molley and miles leave through the crowd!
round 8 and fisher is given 5 number to call if he picks the wrong number its round 9.
he picks one and gets it wrong. the brakes of a tram is now failing and danny must stop it!
we now see a fun fair fer sum reason.
wow... imagine being at a fun fair instead of this!
its there a pint t'dis?
yes the funfair is on the tram lines! as if this movie could'nt make less sense
maybe dey woz going yo have it at da bottom ov a lake but it was doublebooked,so it was!
naturally fisher saves the day but miles kills Danny's police partner and what i guess is miles twin brother or something!.
da toy-car fed explains why he carries it around but at this point oi could care less!
so i guess the writers cant count because its round 12 now! And it fisher realises that every cops is on this case making miles open to attack a commit a crime without worry
oh lioke Die-'ard 3
so it turns out every thing that fisher has done today has helped miles to formulate his plan to steal the national mint.
all he need is a pilot but he has one -molly.
i thought she was a nurse!
tiome t'put da spuds on!
Miles gets killed in a fireless explosion. as Danny and molly fall in a cement pond as money fall from the sky and cena in a stoopid line t'be funny
"yeah...about the house..."
THIS FILM SUCKS! the acting is adequate until Cena shows up, the special effects seem tacked up and apart of the elevator none of the action sequences where original .and as for the dvd extras they are not so great.
this is joe-jack da culchie saying GET OF MY LAND!
*GUNSHOT*AT Eamonn
Monday, February 22, 2010
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