Eamonn Reviews Leave the World Behind

Welcome to Bogger Box office. I am, Once Again Eamonn Bermingham, The Journeyman Reviewer. Reader's Poll Results time again and I'm looking forward to this one!

I'm not going to mince words, I'm struggling to have new ideas when it comes to storylines. (I think I'll just keep them as a device to group ticket to hell together.) So in the months I'm not reviewing wrestling over at Enlightened Towers, I'll be going in blind with a review of a Netflix Original. 

However A big-cast slow burn Psychological Horror done by 3 indie Studios?

Sign me up!

So lets pack our bags, turn off your Phone (Forever!) And Hope you Reach your Destination, as you Leave The World Behind.

THE FOLLOWING FILM IS RATED 15 FOR VIOLENCE, DEATH,  INJURY DETAIL, THREAT, DISCRIMINATION AND LANGUAGE, WHICH WILL BE CENSORED. DISCRETION IS ADVISED. 

Promotional Art is a Scene from the movie.

The Movie opens with the sun shining upon the world, As tense Piano keys jangle. The Sun rises on New York. A day that Seemingly will Start like any other. 

Except this is the day, Amanda Sandford (Julia Roberts) has Impulse bought a last minute Holiday for her Overworked and Stressed out husband Clay ( Ethan Hawke), who fears for his job amid company wide Budget cuts. Clay likes the idea of a Vacation out in New York State, but to have it, right now? But that's when his Advertising Executive wife tells her Speculative Fiction writing husband that when she booked it earlier this morning, she looked out the window to see everyone in the city already going to work to make something of themselves, but then the wife does a 180 and says people who do that think they are better than her and that she "F**KING HATES PEOPLE!"

We get Opening Sequence that's Animated to look like A Screensaver of Spoiler items as Drake sings out-WAIT A MINUTE? BARACK AND MICHELLE OBAMA ARE LISTED AS EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS?

We Suddenly come back to Amanda Title dropping on a Speakerphone call in transit to the Hamlet their Rented Home is (Yes Rented home, not Resort they own. That was a mistake Made by a TV listings magazine That suggested this movie) The Sandford Family which also include a 15 year old son named Archie and a 13 year old Daughter named Rose. All four are too dependent on their devices to enjoy the nature around them. Rose's device acts up as she was watching Friends and she asks if she can go to Central Perk when they get back to NYC. Clay breaks the news to her that Friends is not real, it's a TV show!

This is actually a Mislead to make us believe that this is going to be a "World is a Simulation'" plot. Something that's dropped a few times, especially when Clay explains his work. Which will make the ending a lot more sadder, when I get there.

PART I THE HOUSE

The Sandfords park their car and enter their Rental Home, A Well Kept, if Minimalistic two Storey Chateau, the Kids waste no time in raiding the Swimming pool as Amanda reads up on the Contract and Explores the house. 

Getting Groceries in the Neighbouring Hamlet of  Fort Comfort, Amanda gets dirty looks from a man played by Kevin Bacon, who's filling his truck with Canned food and bottles of water.

Don't mind him, Jools, he's just mad his voice over job in the UK means John Hamm took his place as The new 6 Degrees Actor-Man!

Clay is a Secret smoker which he denies when Amanda presents a pack of 20. But Amanda says he's on holiday,  he can enjoy a smoke, just not in front of the kids. 

The Sandfords next stop is an overcrowded polluted beach, where Rose sees a Boat on the Horizon and is frightened that it seems to be coming towards the beach....very slowly!

The family sleep in the sun, except Rose. And sure enough, the Oil Tanker has made its journey close to the beach as Tourists look on, However Worried that the tanker will not stop, The Sandfords gather their kids to escape what may be a Disaster. Thankfully no-one is hurt because of the tectonic speed of the Tanker.  The police evacuated the beach where an officer exposits that beachings like this have being widespread recently due to glitches in Navigation Software. 

Back at the House, All Technology is Acting up, But the kids are back in the pool, Ambivalent on what they saw "Like it's onto the Next Episode". In the garden the Parents spot two deer in the Treeline, No doubt the first victims to feed humanity during the Robot Apocalypse!

That night, there is a knock on the door. Fearing Robbery, Clay arms himself with an Art Decor Vase as a Baseball bat, only to see a man in a Tuxedo and his young daughter. He introduces himself as George (G.H.) Scott (Mahershala Ali), A Philharmonic Violinist and his daughter Ruth, Who Only had corresponded with Amanda via email, so she doesn't know what he looks or Sound Like, he tells a Story that Brooklyn has suffered a Blackout and with a Knee Injury and elevators out, G.H. couldn't climb to the 45th floor. The story is somewhat unbelievable, I mean why drive from your home to your second home, one you know is occupied? And we don't see a cast on George's leg. It also doesn't help Ruth is At Best an Elitist or at worst Rac*st towards White people.

G.H Scott tries to refund Amanda and Clay, but it's the middle of the night and she's not waking her children to leave, but George has a remedy, he Unlocks A hidden drawer in the wine cooler and gives Clay an Envelope with $1000. The Audience Is also shown there is a handgun  in said drawer.

In the Main Bedroom, The Sandfords argue, Amanda convinced that the Scott's are the Help who are here to Rob a family of Strangers in a scam. Clay trusts them since they seem to know their way around.

Heading back into the kitchen, Amanda is Greeted by the strange sight of G.H making enough cocktails for everyone, which Clay readily grabs. Amanda flatly asks for G.H's identification, AND WOULDN'T YOU KNOW WHO WON THE PONY? But it seems George has left it in his other coat pocket! Amanda is about to call him a liar, until a loud noise startles her, the TV is working again. However, the National Emergency Signal Plays on all channels. So it looks like G.H's story is true. So Clay offers the Scotts to stay, hoping things look better in the morning. And that's when the Sandford's Interrupted game of Jenga topple over

SYMBOLISM!

The Scotts take the Cellar for the night, however it looks like G.H is a lot more than a simple Fiddle Player, when Ruth asks her father about "The Client". Upstairs Amanda is boiling over Ruth's attitude towards her. She is still not convinced the Scotts are not what they say they are, since they're no photos of them in the house. (WHICH AS A RENTAL, SO NO, THERE WOULDN'T BE!) They didn't tell anyone about the Oil Tanker as it Doesn't seem like it's connected,  but Amanda is afraid it would confirm that it's all related somehow. For a Brief Moment, the TV news briefly returns to warn of a cyberattack, only for the screen to turn static.

PART II THE CURVE

The next day, Rose wakes Amanda to fix the TV.  The Gen-Zer no doubt never seen Static before. Grabbing her phone, Amanda sees news updates about Nationwide hacking until the messages disappear. Clay gets an earful when it seems like Amanda fells like he doesn't believe her. Amanda tries to explain the Scott situation to Rose, but she doesn't care, she just wants to watch Friends. Clay is going into town to buy a newspaper to explain all this, Rose goes into the garden to see a Dozen or so deer just staring at her.

Amanda decides after Hearing that Ruth is an Unemployed Trust Fund Baby who insults her job, her age and the working class in General, she has decided, that she definitely,  HATES THIS B***H!

G.H. acts nervous when Ruth tells her father about the News Alert Amanda got about Hackers. Amanda Suspicions grows when G.H.  shows knowledge of the Real life "I-LOVE-YOU" Virus in 2000.

Ruth is worried about her Mother who is currently abroad in Morroco. George is hopeful that she is on a Redirected Flight, acting the Karen somewhere in Ohio.

Clay drives on an abandoned road. We cut to Ruth opening a Secret safe room covered in family photos to vape in. George checks on his neighbours home which seems abandoned. None of his messages to his wife have being received. He picks up his gun which was resting on a how to play violin manual for beginners-Something a Philharmonic Violinist should not have.

We get three slow burn reveals at the same time, cutting back and forward to build tension. G.H. investigating  wet decking on the neighbour's house, Rose and Archie going into the woods to find deer. Clay finds a panicked immigrant who speaks only Spanish. G.H. finds a walkie talkie in a House Gutted through the garage with no car to be found. The kids find a Secret bunker in the woods and break into it. Each of them find something disturbing to end the scene. Archie makes out the bunker points to exactly Rose's window to scare his sister, who bumps her head from Archie's prank. G.H finds a Mummified body in beach sand before seeing dozens of bodies on the beach. And Clay sees in town a Drone Dropping hundreds of Blood red Pamphlets onto his car. 

G.H Scott can't believe his eyes. EVERYONE IN TOWN IS DEAD! And now a plane crashes out of the sky, George covered in seawater by the impact he dodged.

G.H returns and lies about what he saw to Ruth as the protective father he is, Making her leave so she can fetch him a change of clothes. G.H confesses somewhat to knowing more than a Concert Violinist should know. That's when a Piercing screech rings out causing pain to all the humans.

THE SCREEN TURNS BLOOD RED!

PART III THE NOISE

After Regaining their Facilities, sometime later, everyone starts playing the blame game. Amanda sees through G.H's protecting his daughter, and Ruth plays the Race Card. Amanda remembers Seeing Kevin Bacon buying water and tinned goods. Turns out G.H knows him as Danny, a Contractor who's worked on his house before. 

Clay returns, Shaken from what he saw. He had picked up a Pamphlet which the drone was dropping. We now see it's a symbol of a snake and some Arabic Text. Archie knows it says "De**h to America " because he plays Call of Duty.

The Sandfords try to leave for New Jersey, but George thinks there is something wrong with all this. If this was a Terrorist attack they would be dropping Manifestos in English. No, this feels like a cover up. Amanda wants to leave for her Family's safety and Ruth's not exactly sad to see as she Puts it "Those People" leave.

As they drive towards the State line, Rose hears Sirens. Up ahead is a Blockade of Electric cars, All Abandoned. Amanda discovers all the cars are brand new Teslas fresh from a dealership.  That's when another self driving car, joins the Blockade, then another, then another Tesla joins the Blockade that stretches for miles!

Told ya Muskolini was Creating Weapons for The Tiny handed Tyrant!

The Sandfords return to the Summer home and it's only gonna get worse!

PART IV THE FLOOD

The rain hits the holiday home as everyone is Distraught, but with Archie p**ving on secret bikini pictures of Ruth, and Ruth sharing her Mara***na vape with Clay. The two families are slowly bringing out the worse of themselves.

George Reveals that he is in fact, not a spy, or government agent, but a banker, a banker who may have dealt with the Illuminati as his clients. But G.H tells the Story about how his client would profit from causing WW3 In a Jokey manner, causing Amanda not to believe him.

Rose Wakes up Archie, because she's still Upset she may never find out how Friends Ended. More Irritated on being Woken up than anything, Archie tells his sister rightfully that she should start caring about Real Things. Rose says she'll about to do something to get what she wants! 

Back at pookside, Clay tells Ruth about the Mexican Woman who begged him for help, he then tells her finally about the Oil Tanker Beaching itself. To add to the Confusion, Flamingos land and nest onto the surface of the pool.

WHAT KIND OF STRONG SH*T IS IN YOUR VAPE, RUTH?

In a music room, Amanda and G.H are Dancing to Records that leads to a slow Dance. To stop this from being a seduction, G.H backs up, and expresses that he loves and misses his wife, even though he is very certain that she is Dead. It's possible in the eyes of Amanda, this is the only time G.H has being truthful.  Amanda tries to comfort him, but then the noise returns.

When it stops, hours have passed. The Sandfords share a bed for warmth. Archie had contracted a fever. Rose using a plot from the West Wing as an Analogy as a roundabout way to say she's done waiting for answers. In the spare room, the Scotts also share a bed for warmth, but Ruth continues to drive a wedge between both Families, why do THEY have the main bedroom in THEIR House? She also admits that she is a Ra***t, the Possibility of being the only Black people on Earth playing heavy on her mind. 

TRIGGER WARNING FOR GRUESOME SCENE

We see an Eclipse from the Surface of the moon, The next morning Archie wakes with his fever broken, but then he spits up blood and pulls his teeth out from his own mouth.

CHAPTER V

THE LAST ONE

After seeing this, Archie says he had a Bug bite yesterday. G.H says it's no doubt Lyme Disease.

Lyme Disease may Contribute to weakened gums that may lead to tooth loss but this is usually years down the road, not 12 hours after the fact.

With the Expressway Jammed with Eejit-lon's E-cars, The only way to the Emergency Room is blocked, that is, if there is even Anyone else there, But G.H has a plan. If Danny is still alive, if he's every bit of the Tinfoil hat that he thinks he is, he's sure to have medical supplies.

But of course, if things can get worse, then they get worse, as now Rose is Missing! With now being the time Archie tells the adults about the bunker they found. Archie Vomits more blood. And the men take him to see Danny, George telling Ruth to stay at the House and relay the message to Amanda. Ruth panics that what's happening to Archie is just the first of whatever God has sent to finish them. But George tells her to set a timer for one hour on her phone, promising to be back by then.

The two women find the bunker, and nothing else, so they start back at each other's throat.  Ruth cries because she knows her mother is dead and she will never know where. But she asks Amanda why she is the way she is. She says as an Advertising Executive, she sees Greed and Jealousy on a regular basis. And it sickens her. Humanity Disgusts her. "We F**k each other over, we've F**ked the Earth over and we think it's fine now because we drink from paper straws and order Free Range Chicken"

Ruth tells her they may be the only ones left. That's when they hear quickening footsteps and something runs by the window at speed, the men drive to Danny's house, passing a home where Rose is looking out the window watching George's car drive past.

Danny is curt with his neighbours and meets them with a shotgun. He tells him Archie's Symptoms, compounded with the Noise, Points to Microwave Weaponry, it'll explain the noise and the rising heat to occupy flamingos and possibly the fever. But Danny Refuses to help, not even the 1000 dollars Clay has will Sway Danny. Amanda finds A bike Trail and turns towards the Bunker to see Deer, Hundreds of them just staring at Ruth, Surrounding her. Danny Raises his Gun at G.H But he refuses to leave. Amanda returns to Ruth to scream the deer away. Back at Danny's, Clay pleads with the money saying he's nothing but a Useless, selfish man without his Technology, but he will feel even worse if his son dies of something curable. The Deer Run off and Danny gives Clay some Medicine. Clay shows Danny the Pamphlet and he laughs, saying he has a friend in Sacramento who saw a similar event and those Pamphlets were in Korean. Or Maybe Chinese, the fact is, his buddy served on the Gulf and he knew that writing was not Arabic.

Back With the Two Women, Ruth sees something in the distance something that stops her in her tracks. G.H Wants to find the Bunker Danny mentioned. Because it seems like George has Realized his client has underwent his 3-Step plan to profit from overthrowing the government. He explained his friend went over in detail on how he would do it. 1) Disable all Communications 2) Miscommunication on the identity of the supposed enemy and then 3) with everyone confused, Civil war and Collapse will surely follow. The Timer on Ruth's phone echoes as the 2 women see New York is being Destroyed by this Civil war. Time Really is Up.

 And so the film ends on the cruelest of Notes. In the house where Danny says there's a Bunker with the voices of everyone screaming Rose's Name. Rose had broken in,  Ate the Neighbours food and explored the house. Ignoring a screen telling her that Radiation outside is increasing, Rose finds a Tv hooked up to a DVD player with a library of tv show box sets. Finding Friends last season, Rose selfishly screws over her family to no doubt contract radiation poisoning in the forest just so she can watch A Sitcom.

 

"A BIT RICH, BUT OK!"

Actually, More than Ok! Suspenseful, Nicely Acted with Nuanced, Morally Grey characters that felt real, You may Cringe at the Blackhearted Nature, But Hopefully it may never happen, but Greed and Self-Preservation has happened in times of war. Despite my Tv listings magazine getting the plot wrong, this was still a great recommendation to get. 

The Ending may just be the Cruelest Ending of all with a point to Prove, The Next Generations if we are not careful, will inherit our selfish nature and will not be equipped to deal without help. The Last scene shows that point. She's the only one who will not get poisoned, but now she'll inherit a world beyond her understanding, and unwillingness to learn. She finally got what she wanted...and once the show is over....She'll pay for it!

A Chilling Film, Which I Hope doesn't turn from Science Fiction to Documentary before 2029!

From a Realistic Apocalyptic Threat, to One a bit more Light-hearted. Join me next Month when we find out what the hell went wrong With Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire!

CREDITS 

Leave The World Behind was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited by Eamonn Bermingham, with Media from:

Leave The World Behind 

Monty Python and The Holy Grail

Sakura Miko's playthrough of Detroit: Becoming Human representing Hololive. 

Doctor Who.

She-ra Princess of power 

Michael Rosen performs "The Hollywood" 

Leave the World Behind was Produced By Esmail Corp, Red Om Productions and Higher Ground Productions.

All Rights Reserved. All Media used Belong to their respective owners. 

THE FAT AND TASTELESS FILMS OF AMY SCHUMBER: KINDA PREGNANT

 Wow, One of you really want me to Suffer, Don't you?

With a 100 percent rating of just one vote, and I hope I can do better next month! I've regrouped, I'm dwelling on this no longer and I'm moving on with this review.

I have not being looking forward to this!

I made it clear, like most people, I don't find Amy Schumber funny. In fact I find her Crass and Puerile and one note, especially when it comes to 90 percent of her humour being about the more "Intimate" parts of a woman.

Hell, TMZ and all those on-the-spot reporters showed us she can't even tell an original joke, as she has being accused of stealing jokes. 

But we are the Hutt's Wheelhouse. Waist high in a realm of Rude, Crude and Man-hating attitude. As Schumber fakes a Pregnancy to have nice attention for being overweight, not one sided scorn from "Normies" 

Yeah...they hate you because you're fat, Sure! That's the only reason people hate you.

The Promotional Artwork is Rotten! Ignore that it's a white void with women standing at awkward angles looking angry and or uncomfortable with pregnancies, Front and Centre with the only pop of colour that draws the eye is Amy's Pink dress and a fake belly, dropping a milk bottle like it's a hot Mic, as if the dross we are about watch will bring Societal Change to the world. 

THE FOLLOWING FILM IS RATED 15 FOR LANGUAGE AND SEX WHICH WILL BE CENSORED AND DOWNPLAYED, CRUDE HUMOUR, AND SEXISM. DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

We start off badly with 2 girls playing with ragdolls in a schoolyard during the 80s, playing at midwives, as the future Schumer, Lainey swears at her best friend. Yet another quality film bought to you by Happy Madison Productions, You now know how bad this is...BECAUSE SANDLER FILM!

Kate Doesn't want to play Mommy anymore. In fact, She Doesn't want children when she grows up, But Lainey gives us the Freudian Excuse that she and Kate only have each other, because their moms died.

Sigh!

Speaking of Freudian Excuse, and Spoilers!-he doesn't show up, But I would wager, the Character played By Man-Hater DOTCOM DOTORG still has a father!

We cut to present Day New York (Because it's a Terrible film on my Blog, of course it's There!) Lainey is Voice chatting in a Luxurious Batchelorette Den to Kate (Jillian Bell) who's On Skype on the toilet (KEEP IT CLASSY!) That today maybe the day Lainey's Boyfriend will propose to her. And in the World that's not a film starring Ms Fat N Tasteless, and not Produced by Adam Sandler's Studio, a Dinner at a Fancy Restaurant can only mean one thing. Kate will have her own news later when Lainey logs off, Kate learns right now she is pregnant-Unfortunately the Father looks like Tom Greene! It isn't, but I did a double take when I saw him!

Lainey is a Secondary school English Teacher, Giving a hammy performance reading Romeo and Juliet to Dead-eyed Zoomers, one Dumbass Boils down the Window scene of the Immortal Bard's Magnum Opus as "Juliet wanna smash" 

ACTUAL F**KING QUOTE!

She explains it's about Love in it's purest...then the Dumbass points out Schumber has a Moustache!

Also....You Do Know They Died, Right?

Lainey Storms out getting a Phonecall from her Boyfriend, she's Interrupted by Fallon, A Burly Australian Guidance Councillor played by Urzilla Carlson, who's pretty Funny, she's being on QI before, But this film does her no favours. They make her look like "Food at home" Rebel Wilson. They have her play a Crass stupid Foreigner who's fatter and more Abhorrent than Schumer The Hutt! They will make her drink Coffee with "Milk " she "milked" from a Male Alpaca, just to make Amy look normal!

Going to Dave's Apartment to pick up his watch and to shave her moustache, Oblivious that he's definitely cheating on her. Seeing a size 4 dress on his bed ,she that it's a gift for her! ("Size Four, I'm glad he thinks so!")

That night Dressed in another woman's Clothes, Lainey makes an a*s of herself, placated with Champagne and Cake, (Because Fat people can be bribed with Food!) David Proposes...that they have a Threesome with the owner of the Dress, and Poor Isla Fisher, She deserves better than this!

This leads to Lainey causing a scene by stripping to her underwear and smashing cake into her jowls, as Beautiful Thin People cast their opinions towards her table...even though before throwing cake like a chimp's Tea party, she was the offended party!

This leads to Lainey to be depressed at work, she implies her teenage students have more S*X than she does and bullies everything that p*sses Standing up!

Naturally,  Devolving English into Biology 101 and then Burning Schoolbooks like 1960s Deep South, Lainey evacuated before Questions can be asked about the Arson that followed at school. Turning up at a Cafe to have drinks with Kate, Lainey is Dressed in Mourning Attire, when Lainey sees Kate is not drinking and Susses out that her best Friend is Pregnant. 

Lainey's Response?

"NO! GET RID OFF IT!"

She Apologizes, thinking she was going to be first of the two to have children, she's happy for her friend, that this would be a nice distraction from Dave and Threesomes, only for the cafe band to introduce themselves as "David and the Threesomes"! 

We Get what will Constitute as a Villain in this Trainwreck, Lizzie Broadway as the character of Miss Shirley (Or it is Charlotte? They call her both names at different times!), A Sl*tty Teacher, who Acts and dresses like a Teacher in Teacher-themed Adult Films! Fallon lets Slip that Miss THING over there, is also Pregnant!

And rather than be happy for her best friend or be happy by the fact Shirley's baby will never know it's real father because Her Colleague has had More Pr**ks inside her than a dartboard, That's when Schumber The Hutt Gets an Idea. That's when Schumber the Hutt gets a Wonderful, awful idea!

Charlotte begins rubbing it in her face, that Lainey is Hitting Forty and has noone. (She Doesn't mean to be bad, but Shirley has no filter and being in a constant state of drunkeness, cannot see when people are Uncomfortable!) After getting a complete Stranger involved in a cafe. Turns Out "Latte" (Will Forte) is also Slowly Dying in Sweatpants. So Latte, or rather-Josh, make small Talk pretending to be Lainey's Boyfriend and they part with their coffees.

Lainey in her Jealousy, lives Vicariously in Bringing Kate Baby Clothes Shopping, Kate tries to tell her that Pregnancy is no picnic, though she also tells her the hormones are making her "Have Alone Time" to sitcoms!

When Kate's Morning Sickness returns, that's when Lainey's Sick Plan for Attention is Set in Motion, When Lainey grabs a Fake Fabric Bump and Models it in a changing room under a sweater, That's when a total Stranger comes in and gives her Positive reinforcement

.....And This is where the Film falls under the weight of it's weak premise!

We were told when we heard of this film, and by "WE", I mean everyone here reading this, that this film's Premise was a Fat-shamed woman fakes Pregnancy for good attention. Well, Up to this Point, Schumber has being made fun of for facial hair and her age, She's Only being Fat-shamed Now, under the assumption by an innocent stranger that Noone would look like that if they were not Pregnant. And why is she Doing This? Her life is great! She has a high paying job, a studio flat, and up til recently, a stellar love and social life. I would understand if she was treated Lower than the Dirt on people's shoes up to this point, but she hasn't! Because she doesn't have the one aspect of another life-One that would change or have allowances on the other things she has worked for, the fact she wants a baby, something she's ill equip for is what drives her to do this!

But she Puts up with the Fat-Shaming and get's a free Burrito out of it!

The School is celebrating Valentines Day So Lainey calls up Dave, whose voicemail confirms Lainey has being replaced in the Polyamorous relationship....BY A MAN! Things get worse when Kate and Shirley are the only Staff members who are pregnant and they become fast friends, much to Lainey's Jealousy. She plans on doing all the things Expectant Mothers do in their pregnancy in a different Borough, namely Brooklyn in her façade during her free time, walking to, and taking the Subway with the Baby Bump to get as much attention from Strangers, though it backfires when a 15 year old on the Subway tells her mother she wants a baby and the mother mouthes "F you" at Lainey after the Daughter falls out with her mother!

It gets more Distasteful when at the Yoga Class, all the other classmates do is fart while doing poses and heavy breathing!

Jealous that a Heavily Pregnant Woman can stand one leg, Lainey tries and Given she probably couldn't do that even without a Cotton Counterbalance over her stomach, naturally she falls on her fake belly frightening her instructor and classmates. This draws the ire of another expectant (played by Brianne Howey), who shouts that she can help herself, that Pregnancy doesn't make her helpless. This new Friend, Megan, is told outside in the fresh air That Lainey is a single mother doing it all alone after a break up with a Deadbeat. After an Awkward scene with Vaseline, Lainey scores a Social Link with the Mother of one and a half and her family, even if she slips up a few times.

It's Charlotte's Gender Reveal Party and Lainey is Kate's Plus one. She wants to Organize Kate's Baby Shower, Except, with the closeness of the two Births, It's Going to be A joint affair with Charlotte.

Charlotte did find the father, This Guy who looks like Kid Rock Stuffed into a hockey Jersey! It's Gender Reveal time and in the Worst Possible Taste and that's Saying something, the Gender is to be revealed by smashing a Baby shaped piñata! 

And Charlotte Provokes Lainey to be the one to break it, because she has "All this aggression of being kicked to the curb recently!"

Lainey's anger is so great, the baseball bat swing causes the Piñata wholesale to fly off the rope, into Fallon who catches it, who subsequently stumbles on a tarp covered pool and starts drowning. Once again Lainey books it!

That night Lainey takes up Megan's offer of dinner, where Megan's Son is running around with knifes and while his parents are trying to find him, the boy stabs The fake Bump, thankfully no adults see through the Farce 35 minutes into this one hour plus movie. Megan tells Lainey it's Four for dinner, her brother who moved into her basement after a bad divorce, who spends his days "in Grey Sweatpants".

AND WOULDN'T YOU KNOW WHO WON THE PONY? 

Megan's brother is Josh and naturally is shocked to see Lainey pregnant this quickly! There's small Talk between the two and apropos of nothing, Lainey catches on fire!

Like, straight out of nowhere, she turns away from a hob and her bump catches fire, causing chaos as she crawls to the bathroom to once again shirk responsibility as everyone else is distracted by Steve's relapse into an Angry Drunk. 

In the Bathroom, Lainey is taken to one side and Megan Confides in her a Story of how she nearly died giving birth, and I'm sure this will not come back to haunt her after her Betrayal.

Who does feel Betrayed is Fallon who found out and is disgusted by it, when she suggests faking a miscarriage, that Lainey has gone so far to name her Bump "Susan". Fallon just hopes no-one who thinks she's pregnant meets her when she's with her other circle of friends, Lainey thinks that will never happen, after all New York is a big City. 

So anyway, Someone who thinks she's pregnant meets her when she's with her other circle of friends. 

Sure, it's only Megan's Son in a Toys R Us, but he knows her to see her and asks her "Why No Baby?" He then acts out stabbing her belly. Disgusted, Kate Grabs Lainey to leave but when they separate, Lainey jumps into a pit of Plushies to avoid Megan.

In the Midst of this whole palaver, Lainey gets a Phonecall from Josh at the Ice Rink he works on.

It's a sweet scene...TOO BAD THEY RUIN WITH A FAKE PREGNANT WOMAN TWERKING!

So it happens, Lainey on the rebound of a bad break up, fakes a Pregnancy and finds then finds the man of her dreams-I know, Happens all the Time (!)

Kate has some bad news for Lainey. She Doesn't want her in the delivery roomfor her birth ("What has your Husband done recently to have for the Birth of your child over your best friend "? That's really a Line from this movie!)

Kate sees through all this, this Jealousy. They call each other childish names and the scene....Just ends they segue to a student finding a Bl*nt and the teachers pocket it for later!

On a Boat Date, Lainey and Josh kiss, but Lainey pushes him off when he pulls her closer....AND THE SCENE IS RUINED WITH MORE STR*PPER DANCES WITH A BABY BUMP!

Then, Shock of All Shocks, Dave is on the same boat, and the hamsterwheels of both men's minds are spinning as the lies continue, The "Baby" is not Dave's but a random clerk at Costco. "I Had that Black Friday Fever!"

Next on this toppling towers of lies, Megan arrives at the school, as the Campus holds Post Natal Depression Support group on grounds (of course, Lainey didn't know that!) 

To guilt her back on the straight and narrow, in waddles Fallon with her own fake Bump in an attempt to embarrass her-It fails because the ADHD ridden writers thought of a better thing mid scene....Lainey being a last minute babysitter for Megan's child, because her regular babysitter is now pregnant also, when Lainey takes the Subway to Brooklyn, she meets the Mother and Daughter again and the daughter was apparently the babysitter, who is now pregnant, as the mother once more mouths F**k You at Lainey....wait a minute! How The Hell is the daughter this Heavily Pregnant since February, what month are we in now for her to be this showing, but no other pregnant characters are full term?

After reading a trashy celeb magazine article about the Kar-TRASH-ians as a fairy tale to get the young boy to sleep, Josh takes over and somewhere in Amy's Cholesterol Choked Heart, a part of it melts.

BUT THEN THEY RUIN IT NEXT SCENE!

Namely, a S*x scene where Josh is blindfolded and made to wear oven gloves so he doesn't see or touch Lainey's Normal body, It's awkward and it get's worse, recall that Josh has moved into his sister's garage, as during the deed, Lainey hits the door remote accidentally and the two are revealed like a grand Prize on a game show!

Despite all this, they're happy, but then the Guilt and shame finally sets in, and Lainey calls it off, at a school trip that goes Nowhere except having more things to make Fallon more fat and unlikeable than Fat and Unlikeable Amy Schumber, Charlotte whispers something to Kate. She and Lainey are walking together when a Bewildered Kate Asks her best friend why she thought she wasn't invited to the baby shower, just because she wasn't invited to the birth?

It's the day of the party and turns out, Megan was part of Lainey's circle of Friends the Whole time! 20 minutes left and it's time for this tower of lies to come crashing the hell down!

So let's Flush this Turd!

After Lainey and Fallon Repeat the F word a Couple of times, while Fallon drinks coffee with "Milk" she "Milked" from a male Alpaca ("YA KNOW WOT, THAT'S BLOODY NOICE, BIT SALTY, MIND!") ACTUAL GODDAM QUOTE, Lainey steals a rotisserie chicken to act as a makeshift bump, But then Shirley has revealed what she whispered to Kate, that she learned that Lainey plans to terminate. So they are treating this Baby-shower as a Pro-Life Intervention, Live Streamed to their School District's Social Media. Kate is Disgusted that Lainey is put on the spot for a decision that's hers to make, but this is what makes Lainey Confess, Naturally Everyone is p*ssed, Megan especially, who shared a very revealing secret, given that secret is the reason she is seeking therapy! It's so bad even Charlotte realizes that she went too far! On a Bench Later, Kate reveals she's not Angry, In fact Jealousy or not, Lainey was more involved with the Baby Prep than Not-Tom Greene, who has only put in a tenth of the attention Lainey has. Lainey tells her the Baby will be the luckiest baby because she will have both parents, which is one more than they had! A Month after this, Megan gives birth and Lainey asks for forgiveness, which she Does, Josh...Not so Much, who runs for it on first sight into the garage, the door rises and in an attempt to drop it down, is suspended in the air and Force to listen to a rambling apology that tangents into a rant about Creamed Corn ending it with an actual point-She asked the Bitter Divorcée if her ever did anything stupid for love....But then we get her next scene Gaslighting Dave into thinking he's the father, just proving the ambitious Polygamist that he was never "The One!"

Time goes on, Kate gives Birth, Fallon learns how to swim, and Lainey (SOMEHOW!) Still has a job and she returns to teaching English Straight, everything is Normal until a Zamboni drives onto school grounds as a terrible version of Abba's Take A Chance On me plays out! To Answer Her question, Josh reveals he once stole his own car to claim insurance to buy his ex-wife a handbag. What he did was stupid, what she did was the act of a Sociopath, But SHE'S HIS Sociopath! And so Lainey mounts and takes the wheel of the zamboni and ride into the sunset....and cause thousands of dollars of Vehicular Damage in the process!

THIS FILM SUCKS!

The humour is horrid, all the characters are jerks, the Jokes if you can call them that are predictable jokes about Millennials and Gen Z, like Coffee shops calling your name wrong or Students Using ChatCPT to cheat and off course for this film all the social norms when it comes to pregnancy, which were never challenged. A lot of Non-American Actors here, No Doubt they were sold a bill of goods and a promise to "Break America" with this film. Urzilla Carlson's Hollywood career may have ended before it got started. Just ask Will Forte, who hadn't being in another film since another film I panned, the Equally Risible McGruber, that was 15 years ago, Being in a film that terrible for so many years must have tainted his career that films this bad are the only work he can get.

Then there's the Moral of this film, Or More Rightly, the Consequences. Lainey Suffers None! Sure, in her Acts of Fraud there were no Monetary or Material gain and if the woman who bought her a burrito did sue her, the small claims court would throw it out, But She did lie Publicly on her Employers' School's Social Network. Which if the PTA of that school found her So untrustworthy to teach their children, she could...and no doubt would be fired! 

And going back to the acting and I'm Pretty Sure teaching a 3 year old to Mime Stabbing Motions and Stabbing Sounds Counts as Child Endangerment!

Kinda Pregnant Sucks and I Apologize for Wasting Everyone's Time in telling you Something you already Knew!

CREDITS

Kinda Pregnant was Reviewed Compiled and Edited By Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli On Twitter/X)

With Media From:

Kinda Pregnant

Grown Ups

Anchorman: The Legend Of Ron Burgundy

Police Squad

MST3K

Kinda Pregnant was Produced By Happy Madison Productions For Netflix

All Rights Reversed. All Media used belong to their Respective Owners.

NEXT MONTH ONLY ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE!....

IT'S THE LAST READERS CHOICE OF THE YEAR AND A NEW POLL IS OPEN

Here are our 3 Choices which remain to be picked

And The New Number 4, an animation that has being blowing up Social Media!

The Magical Girl Genre combines with the Korean Culture Trend spearheaded by Netflix with a series which I was told will Scratch that Magical Girl Itch you'll have Waiting for Miraculous to Get Better! (IT WON'T!)

The poll will Open On My Twitter page as the Pinned Tweet for seven days, (Ending the 8th of July!) You can also vote by Commenting the name of the series/Movie you want to see Next Month. If there is no vote tallied which is always a possibility, The order will Default as Cassandra's first 4 Episodes!

Good Luck and Happy Voting!

A QUIET PLACE: DAY ONE

 You've Probably Noticed all these years, But I'm not very good with Horror.

Hell, Even During Halloween, Where Reviewing Horror is a Given, I tend to veer towards Fantasy than Horror, and even then, the horror films tend to get on the comedic side, Deliberately or Unintentionally due to the lack of quality. 

Not that it ever worked Completely in my favour, "Bed of the Dead" despite being Generally Gruesome to watch, was only picked because it's Ridiculous premise of a bed killing those who tried to leave it.

So here we are with a Legitimate Horror Film In June, no less. The Prequel to one of the Most Recent Horror Franchises that has done well: A Quiet Place.

So I want to get into A Quiet Place As A Franchise, So What Better Way Do I Start than the prequel of the others: Day One!

For those Who Don't know, The Premise of A Quiet Place Is That Earth is Invaded by Blind, but Feral Beast like Aliens with Ultra Sensitive Hearing. The Slightest Sound will Cause a Swarm of Flesh Coloured Creatures with Scythe-like Claws and Voracious Hunger to hunt that target, be it someone who gasps suddenly, 

Or a stupid Child with a Toy Rocket Ship! 

So Humanity's Survivors have become Nomadic, forming smaller communities to reduce their sound and using Sign Language to communicate. The lack of Dialogue and The Activity of the Aliens increasing at night, ratchets up the scares, of the very little I've watched of the series.

So let's Dig into the new Jump-off point for this series, with the prequel to a Quiet Place: Day One 

The Cover Shows us a World Gone To Hell, As Lupita Nyong'o and Joseph Quinn Run for their lifes, as Creatures Fall from Surrounding Buildings onto the Glass ceiling above them, shattering off shards onto our frightened heroes. The Largest Skyscraper behind them, leads the eye to a Sky filled with Smoke and Fiery Jet trails Descending at an Angle, but what are they? An Invasion force, an Attempt by the Army to fight back? Or Aeroplanes making their last Doomed Voyage?

THE FOLLOWING FILM IS RATED 15 FOR HORROR, BLOOD, INJURY DETAIL, DEATH, TERMINAL ILLNESS, AND THE FEASTING OF CORPSES. DISCRETION IS ADVISED!

The film opens on New York City, which a caption tells us it's bustling life gives off a Decibel Level of 50. That's the same as a Constant Scream for 18 hours.

Yeah, Because of all the Pushy Nu Yahkahs!

"WADDAYASAY ABOUT NU YAHK? WHEN I HIT YA WIF THIS SPORTS PAGES YER CRIES WILL BE HIGHER THAN FIDDY DECIBELS, YA BUM!"

We cut to Samira (Lupita Nyong'o) in a Cancer Support Home, it's group therapy time for the patients. But the Terminally Ill Poet makes no bones about it that she hates her life right now. She could die at anytime so the group telling her to keep positive is not what she needs. All she wants right now is her cat Frodo, her last slice of Real New York Pizza and to be left alone to die.

So Samira doesn't Appreciate Nurse Ruben not bringing her for Pizza, but the whole group to, of all things, a Puppet Theatre. Made worse by children coming up to Pet her Support Cat and parents making a bigger deal of her condition than she can tolerate. 

The Puppet Show is both Filmed Well (a Shocker For Boom Boom Michael Bay!) And Disheartening.  As a Marionette of a young Boy blows a Balloon, as children watch in awe, the balloon, once full, gives the illusion of a child floating away with no limits, until the balloon bursts and the Puppet falls, crashing back to Earth.

Naturally, A cancer Patient being Shown That, Causes her to Bail out all upset. As she buys some chocolate at a Bodega, she notices the noisy Midtown is noisier than usual. Nurse Ruben is ordered by phone to return the group back to the hospital. But Samira is too Stubborn to leave without her Pizza, but reluctantly, she gets back on the bus, but is shocked to see the other patients congregate to the back of the bus to look at something out the window.

Samira joins them and can't believe what she sees. In the mid afternoon sky are hundreds of shooting stars, One of them makes impact just feet away. 

Samira Regains her Consciousness, her bus and Street covered in Dust, with her ears still ringing, she finds a Man's Body, torn by the Explosion's Shockwave, Dead where he Stands! With Sound and Vision Failing her, Samira Stumbles to find help, all the While Eerie Sounds can be Heard.

Every time Samira finds, or is found by Someone, they are Dragged to be eaten, and when an Ambulance speeds in with Alarms blaring, it's blown up, the Explosion causes Samira to lose consciousness once more-The Screen Fades to Black, and we get Title Drop. 

We see Samira's Face Covered in Dirt and ash inside a Building,  she wakes with a cough and a Splutter, Until a hand covers her mouth. It's the father of the boy who petted her cat. (Apparently the credits name him as Henry, played by Djimon Honsou) In fact, she has woken up in what's left of the Theatre,  with Dozens of Survivors, including Nurse Ruben, Who hugs Samira and gives Frodo back.

The Sound of a helicopter frightens the little kitten as Samira runs to get him back. Breaking glass underfoot which alerts....Something!

In Bursts the Most disfigured creature in a film ever- mottled, Necrotic Flesh supported by four Spider like legs, that each end with a cloven foot with a sickle like claw protruding under knees and elbows, and an eyeless face with a horizontal mandibles of an insect, that opens like a flower to reveal a crown of bony petals. And a larger gaping maw! But the creature is frightened by the helicopter, which draws the ire of the alien. 

In the next Attempt to find her cat, she finds a woman at a desk, listening to news reports on a Walkman, on the desk is a globe covered in stickers with the names of major cities, no doubt attacks like this. She and Hank escape to the rooftop and see the world is trapped in a war Zone, as fire trail the sky.

As the Survivors look on, the Fiery streaks are not more Aliens, but missiles from the Government to blow up the bridges to contain the Alien threat, Causing a Survivor to have a loud panic attack,  Which causes Henry to punch him so hard, he dies from the blow.

Using a notebook to Communicate,  Samira tells Ruben she's still going to Harlem, despite the Nurse's wishes. The Generator Splutters and Ruben gives his life to fix it as Samira Muffles a cry.

The Next morning on a Misty Street, Samira Explores what was a crowded street just 18 hours ago. Now it's just ruins and worse still, no bodies, just signs of struggle and stains of blood. Samira picks up all the food and Supplies she needs to get to Harlem for pizza and to die at home- A flashlight, batteries for it, enough food for one person and a cat, and a supply bag to carry it all.  Though finding herself in Central park, she sees squirrels, which may be a food option, though if Samira struggles with opening a can in her condition, how is she suppose to hunt and k*ll animals? 

As she follows the Squirrel with her eyes, she finds two Survivors hiding in a working fountain, a teenage boy and a girl no more than six. Samira gives the shaken young Survivors some chocolate and asks them to follow her. A helicopter blares over speakers to announce boats will bring Survivors to Quarantine Areas, As the Aliens can't swim or can't stand water,  Something the Fountain Children figured out to have survived that long. The helicopters cause the Aliens to to converge on tall buildings, but one stalks the 3 Survivors who are now hiding in a subway entrance. 

Soon all those holed up march toward the river,  but Samira goes the opposite direction towards Harlem. The Jostling and marching feet of hundreds makes the crowd easy prey, not helped by some Idiots who just felt this was the right time to vandalise and steal cars! 

Samira hiding under a car has her leg pulled by a man seeking help, as he is dragged off by an Alien, Samira is trapped further, Spraining her ankle.  Frodo who was separated in the panic, is drinking from a submerged Subway entrance,  there the cat sees Submerging from the water, a Man in a Suit (Quinn) Surprised by the cat staring at him, the Man in The Suit, Eric pulls himself onto Dry land to follow the cat back to it's master. 

A Rainfall Causes Some Relief as the Aliens scatter. Samira tells Eric about the Boat, But not to follow her, but Eric is too scared to go Alone,  So they Resort to as the rain becomes a Storm to pick up medicine at Samira's house. Timing Eric's kicks to her door to the lightning strikes, (Due to her keys no doubt held by Hank, whose body is God knows where!)

Eric is a British law student, so he has no reason to be here if he has no family in New York. Samira Still wants Pizza in Harlem, Something that makes Eric do a double take, given the Situation they find themselves in. 

So we learn more of Samira,  she was a professional Poet, So when Eric Reads a poem that explains what we already. As thunder and Lightning breaks out, the two Survivors finally have a chance to scream out in Fear!

Picking up some books from an Abandoned library, Eric comes to give her the notebook she left behind. Standing up Too quickly,  the sickly woman uses a Book trolley to steady herself only for books to fall to the ground, causing books to fall to the ground, causing Aliens to hunt them down. Seeking shelter in a bank. The revolving doors get stuck as Eric struggles to push the panels, they find new shelter but they are not safe, Eric Vandalises a car to set off it's Alarm buying enough time to reach the Subway. 

Searching under Flashlight, the exit by escalator is blocked by the biggest Alien yet. So once more Eric has to wade through the Submerged Tunnels. In the cold, waist high water, with Aliens Scanning their every move, Eric has a Panic attack, the Sound causes an Alien to Dive in, but while they can't swim, their Hunting Instinct makes them desperate enough to try to Adapt. With Frodo safely on Samira's Supply bag, the two drag themselves out of an impact crater into a church. Falling back into unconsciousness, Eric, Given where they are,  Prays for Samira, until she coughs up water.

Feeling sorry for her, Eric decides to let the dying woman have her last wish than Mercy K*lling her or Straight up Abandonment. He asks what medicines she needs and he is given a fetch quest for solid which doesn't yield enough medicine but instead reveals the ground Zero of the invasion, which Is treated as a nest. 

These Aliens are so cruel, they would Cannibalise the bodies of their own kind to feed. Eric Saves his own cat he followed to this place, Finding more Medicine for Samira.

It's not enough, but it doesn't matter when you're Terminal. Samira explains in whisper that the cancer is hereditary,  from her father. So with the entire Borough of Harlem empty,  Samira after all this time holding on for this moment, only for Her Pizza place to have burned down. The two Survivors hug in the middle of the street, Samira being upset with the continued state of her lot. So Eric brings her to an Abandoned Jazz Bar. With the help of a mp3 player and headphones, and Eric Finding a serviceable Pizza shop, bringing a pizza he  found, even the cats take a slice to eat in a cute moment. Eric to entertain her gets up onto the Bar's Stage and with some Cards he finds from an unfinished Card game and mines being a Magician for an invisible audience, and he's pretty good at card tricks. He said in his introduction as he's only a law Student because "That's what They wanted" Maybe this is want he meant!

Bringing her back to her apartment,  Samira gives Eric her coat, after all she won't need it where she's going. But the army have increased it's visibility,  now a fightback is happening.  The Aliens in a silent world are now cocky, hunting in broad daylight. Surrounded and with Eric in total fear, Samira causes car alarms to go off in Attempt to make a boat turn and collect Eric. In his rush Eric knock over debris which puts him and the cats in harm's way, but jumping off the pier sees his chasers drown as he has a short swim to the boat. 

And so the film ends with Eric reading his final message from Samira, as In flashback she is crying over family photos. So as she tells him to continue living, the last scene we see is Samira walking in the street with a radio and headphones listening to Nina Simone's greatest hits, until she pulls out the headphones, as an Alien lands behind her, drawn to the music, ready to play it's part in her Su****e.

THIS FILM IS GREAT!

Produced By Michael Bay, I was expecting this to be Fireworks out the Wazoo. However, he was Producing Not Directing, so while his fingerprints are all over this film, he doesn't have a stranglehold on it. Rather than carry out his proclivities, the crew and writers, kept the Franchise's use of Slow Scares and World Building.  While other Reviews thought Samira  was selfish, they completely missed the point of this film's themes of Freedom to live, ideals and Memory. This film is more than "World ends....let's get pizza!". 

Lupita Nyong'o gives a stunning performance of the Dying Terminally Ill Poet, who just wants to live the last few days of her life, in a film that is both scary and life affirming. The Monster designs are terrifying, Helped by the speed of animation and use of shadows and Smoke Effects, we never see a stationary Alien to make out what it looks like, and that's both for the film's benefit and adds to the mystery of the creatures. One Bugbear it has is pretty Obvious: in a film based in a world where making a sound may doom us all, The Dialogue is nothing to write home about, there was a part Quinn just repeated the word "Okay!" Over and over, but given the premise, Minimal Dialogue and targeted Responses, works in it's Favour.  

The Premise to turn the Zombie Survival Genre on it's head by not the heroes fight for Survival, but to die on her own Terms, Is nothing short of Genius! Given how bloated the Subgenre is. With How Selfish Samira may look and how very little Character Quinn was Given, It would have being a complete mess, But the Great Acting and Pacing Held True

So in Summary, A sharply written Subversion to an Overblown Genre, that's welcomed but tipping the scales at 70 minutes I wish it was longer!

CREDITS

A Quiet Place: Day One was Reviewed, compiled and edited by Eamonn Bermingham (@Realenli on x)

With Media from

A Quiet place

A Quiet Place Day one

The Simpsons

Meranghi's Darkplace

All Media used Belong to their respective Owners

A Quiet Place Day One is the Property of Paramount

All Rights Reserved.

NEXT MONTH ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE!

ONCE AGAIN YOU MAKE THE CALL!

Next month it's ROUND 2 Of the Public votes.

The 3 Runners up from The first poll-

Cassandra,

 Infinity Pool

and Kinda Pregnant 

Are Joined by a new Number 4.

Leave The World Behind

A couple who run a resort are Confronted by another couple who claim ownership of the hotel and threaten legal action. While in the background, a Robot Revolution slowly plays out in a parable about lies, malice and the loss of control. 

The Poll On My Twitter Page will only last one week, But You can cast your votes here by adding a comment to this post below. The Most Votes will determine what get reviewed in July, But On the off chance, there are no votes, then Cassandra's first 4 episodes will be reviewed.

THE 300TH POST: TICKET TO HELL: BLACK ADAM PART 2 (REMASTERED)

THE FOLLOWING POST IS A CONTINUED REVIEW FROM LAST MONTH, OF A 12 RATED FILM WITH SCENES OF VIOLENCE,  SYSTEMIC SLAVERY,  INJURY DETAIL, AND MURDER. CERTAIN WORDS WILL BE EDITED BEYOND THIS POINT.  DISCRETION IS ADVISED. 

 To continue where we left off, 

Black Adam( Rock The Dwayne)and Carter Hall/ Hawkman (Alvis Hodge) fight in Arianna's Destroyed Flat, and Carter, you're only five feet away from him, you don't need to fly at him all the time, you can just run at him!

All the while Black Adam destroys Amon's bedroom,  Making the viewer take Extra notice that they are Destroying Justice League posters

Adam Punches a cabinet and rears back in pain. Inside the Now Former Furniture is the Crown of McGuffin. 

One.

When did Amon have time to hide the Crown in his room, in the time it took to walk in, see Ishmael shoot Kareem and ran completely out the flat before he was Kidnapped?

Two.

I thought Black Adam could just zap away the wounds caused by Eternium, or is this a new trope?

WEAKNESS as the Plot Demands?

In the JSA Jet,  they all try and decipher what the crown's riddle means.  They ignore it because Arianna wants to Barter the Crown for Amon's safe return. So that means the JSA and Black Adam must work together. 

Dr Kent Nelson/Dr Fate (Pierce Brosnan) confronts Hawkman about Black Adam, with Carter worried the boy could die if Black Adam goes into business for himself. When Kent says Life and Death is, Quote, "Up to Fate", Carter Susses from that , that Dr Nelson saw a vision of someone's death. Carter's first thought is Atom Smasher,  given he's an idiot! So after he answers "Surprisingly,  No!", he says his goodbyes to Hall, as he may not have a chance ever again,  but Fate tells him it's still time to change!

BUT NEVER MIND THAT S**T!

Let's have Johnson hot dog and grandstand whilst a Disgrace of a Human being like Kanye West Still gets rich from Music Royalties!

But Mr Fishsticks is cut off when Black Adam flies into Ishmael's Shield Generator-powered by lines upon lines of Eternium. 

Arianna's Gives the Crown to Ishmael,  who really is the villain we have being leading up to, For Ishmael is the last living Descendant of King Ak-tum. As he puts on the crown he says the Proverb on it with the Nouns reversed (he says in Arabic, "Death is the only path to Life") causing magical energy to build up around him. And it's a good thing everyone said the phrase In English, otherwise this film would have ended sooner.

After a Ridiculous slow motion sequence where everyone screams or shouts "Nooooo!" with quick cuts every 2 seconds. Power from the crown explodes with Hawkman shielding Arianna with his wings, Fate Shielding a prone Amon with his magic, and Atom Smasher with his giant body protects Cyclone. Black Adam is alive, but Ishmael and the crown are nowhere to be seen. Amon was not wounded by stray bullets, but by Black Adam's own lightning,  and he blames himself for his injuries. 

I spoke too soon, Atom Smasher finds Ishmael, but the Halal Ham-actor is now served Extra Crispy, as the crown has melted into his Skeletal Remains. 

AND I'M SURE WE'LL NEVER SEE ISHMAEL AGAIN!

Hawkman confronts Black Adam once again, this time over a name Ishmael said that upsets Black Adam "Harut".

Harut was his timeline's version of Little Dumbass, when he was Tehtadam's son, and the true champion of the Wizards' Council, he tells his side of the story, Harut was a great champion, but like Shazam, he was a Naive boy in the body of a man, so Ak-tum killed Harut's Mother and would have killed Tehtadam, if not for Harut giving his father the power. And at that moment, Harut was Assassinated by Ak-tum's archers.

Losing Everything,  Black Adam went on an unstoppable rampage of revenge, killing everyone, so that's the truth of the statue of Thetadam: It's not his Statue: it's Harut's. Five milliena is a long enough time to realize this power is not a gift, but a Curse.  One that only hurts people. So Black Adam says "Shazam" and tells agent Hall on no circumstances permit him to say that word again. 

Thetadam is taken to a top secret holding facility somewhere, submerged in the Artic ocean by the Justice Society of America's Jet. 

Taken by Task Force X, Tehtadam is Processed, Shackled, put in cyrosleep and attached to a breathing tube.  Given that Thetadam has surrendered and Ishmael is dead, they could have just finished it here with all the loose ends tied up.

OH, YOU WISH THIS WAS FINISHED! 

While Atom Smasher and Cyclone babysit a now recovered Amon with a Dress up Cape (I'm pretty sure he's at least old enough to be at Eye level to the Top shelf magazines,  he's at least old enough to know what Fasc*sm Is!) We see Ishmael's bodybag, glowing with the same lightning controlled by Black Adam. In the cockpit of the Jet, Kent is still dreaming of Hawkman's death, he wakes from it, on Hawkman's distress. Kent tells Carter that he believes Hawkman is still going to die. 

Carter says he doesn't fear dying. 

He COULD have mentioned his powers/Curse meant he's died too often, and Kent would've said something like "You're too Valuable!' Or "The World can't wait for a new Hawkman to be born!' But no, DC makes comic book films for comic book fans and if they don't flat out tell you back story, it implied! AND IT'S REALLY BLOODY ANNOYING!

Kent tells Carter of his childhood during the Blitz Era in London, how he felt no pride in Seeing the Soldiers parade on deployment, he never cheered or waved a flag, he knew at a young age they were going to die, they were Soldiers. And it's a Soldier mentality to give his life for a greater good.

FORESHADOWING!

In the Ship's Computer Room, Arianna and Cyclone are puzzled to why Ishmael read the Proverb on the crown wrong.  Then they realize the Ancient Kandaqi have symbols like Kanji that be read upside down and still make sense, but the Symbol for Life looks like the symbol for Death when Inverted.  In other words,  THEY have been reading it wrong! And by reading it correctly,  Ishmael purposely died so his soul could be sent to the Rock of Finality (SURE! LET'S GO WITH THAT!), To make a Contract with the demons of the crown of Sabbac, like Black Adam, Ishmael invokes Sabbac's name so he can use Ishmael's corpse as a conduit to become the Demon Champion, SabbaAHAHAHAHA!

Ladies and Gentlemen, our Film's big Bad, The Crispy Cretin!

So Sabbac is just Yet another Pound Shop Superman with Demon Fire added for extra flavour. Despite the JSA holding their own, The writers are still treating Sabbac as the thing we were being lead up to. Sabbac's goal is to sit on the Throne in the Palace, therefore gaining his true powers, So Hawkman, Cyclone and Atom Smasher ascend the Palace's Staircase, only to be reflected by Dr Fate's Forcefield, he has found a way to prevent Carter's Death, by Sacrificing himself. Kent says he's lived a full life, and wants his team to do the same on his memory. 

That's all great and all, but Now the film has Shown it doesn't understand Dr Fate, Either.

The Helm of Naboo, Puppets It's Wearer(s) by Granting it his powers. When the current Dr Fate Dies, That Wearer's Body is teleported, body and soul til the end of time to a pocket Dimension where the Lords of Order reside,  leaving a Helm, that once unclaimed flew throughout the universe, killing well meaning Do-gooders and would be villains for not being worthy,  til Naboo had to be reasoned with by Kent's Ghost. So if this was lore accurate Dr Fate who died, not only would the people have to deal with Literal Satan, but also contend with a Judgemental self aware Holy Relic killing innocent people for being rightfully scared to fight!

Despite using every trick in the spellbook, Dr Fate telepathically reaches out to Tehtadam, freeing him from cyrosleep.  As Task Force X Soldiers Try to contain him, Dr Fate tells the world is not Black and White anymore,  the world doesn't need a white Knight, it needs  something....Darker.

Tehtadam shows his "Growth" and "Character Development" by only killing one jobber. As Black Adam swims to escape his submerged underwater Prison, Sabbac Punches a hole through Kent's chest, his lifeforce entering the helmet as his body turns to ash to enter the helmet, which as it falls, Sabbac kicks it away with angered annoyance. As he claims the Throne he summons the Legion of Hell....aka Stock Monsters from a Terrible Mobile Game!

Hey, Do you want to know how to make an Audience scoff at the Threat by a Villian?

You make the Comic Relief save the day by grand Entrance with a love Song blaring on the radio of his Volkswagen which he uses to run over Zombies and crack jokes about it!

Seriously 3 Superheroes can't Fight Sabbac Directly, but a fat man armed with a Hippy Wagon and a length of Pipe can smack around Zombies with armour and Swords? 

Drowning in the Artic Ocean, Black Adam believes it's his time, as he Sees his wife and Harut in a near death experience. But since a Near Death Experience is nothing more than Our Brain telling us to die or Not, OF COURSE, THE EGOTIST PLAYED BY ANOTHER EGOTIST Would imagine his family telling him he can do more!

Back in Kandaq, Amon finds Citizens in Fear, and like Harut centuries before, he put his hands in the shape of a triangle and rallies the people. After all Arianna and Kareem are fighting the zombies and if A Single Mother in fairly good shape and a fat man armed with Pipes can do it, I'm pretty certain Anyone can take them!

The Words of the Kandaqi People finding their courage and Freedom, Revitalizes Thetadam, However, just because the people have done what he wanted and not worship him like a hero, he still likes to hot-dog and grandstand for their love and appreciation! Like when Sabbac uses a flame thrower to topple the very same Statue, Atom Smasher toppled repeatedly earlier (How did they reerect it so quickly?) and it's about to crush Amon, only for Black Adam to save his life yet again!

TRIGGER WARNING FOR INJURY AND DEATH!

Sabbac and Black Adam Face-off, the Demon Champion's Eternium filled claws and Horns Damaging Black Adam. Amon on his skateboard lead all the Kandaqi to face the demon Horde. Reeling from the cuts and Lacerations, Sabbac is About to deal the final blow, that's when Hawkman's mace pierces Sabbac Back through his stomach. Unfazed, Sabbac Kills Hawkman the same way He did to Dr Fate, But when Hawkman's body disintegrates into ash just like Dr fate and the hawkman helmet falls at his killers feet-A MIRACLE HAPPENS! Hawkman materializes as the new DR FATE, His costume modified for the Lord of Order's powers!

So lets finish this!

Using a Clone Spell, Hawkmen Bum Rush Sabbac as Cyclone and Atom Smasher Join the rebellion, Black Adam Grabs Sabbac by the horns and flies up into the air, and Does a Raiden Mortal Kombat Fatality on him by electrocuting him and rending him in half. With Sabbac Dead, the Undead Dissolve, the people cheer, and Black Adam helps Hawkman up, Who Only gained the power of Naboo temporarily, With it's duty Done, Naboo Disappears into the Ether. The Justice Society Goes to leave, they thank Black Adam, But they warn him Not to Push his Luck. With the people Below chanting his name, Adam considers leading them, he stills on the throne in the palace and when Arianna asks him how it feels, he answers it feels "Wrong". With that he flies out and Crushes the throne. It feels wrong for him to Lead, When he feels he could do better Protecting them. But he needs a New Name, Tehtadam is too old fashioned so when Arianna asks what did he have in mind. We get Title Drop instead to close out.

I didn't even Notice that!

I've being calling him Black Adam, because that is the name of this film, And never noticed that noone called him that throughout in the 1 hour and fifty minute run time!

In the post Credit Stinger, Amanda Waller (Viola Davis) threatens Black Adam through a drone, telling him to never leave Kandaq or his departure will be treated as a declaration of War. Black Adam doesn't take the Threat too Kindly, so he blasts the drone. However, hiding in the smoke made from the drone, a figure descends from the sky and a Man's voice tells him he's being waiting to for this moment, As Superman (Henry Caville) makes himself Known, which only makes the Poster Scene Earlier in this film, Hilarious In Hindsight!

THIS FILM SUCKS! AND IT'S ALL ROCK THE DWAYNE'S FAULT!

He and his Now Ex wife Dani Garcia, who must be in great terms to still Work and Coat-tail Ride each other to get jobs, are Named as Executive Producers. and it Shows. You thought Fighting with my Family was an Ego-trip, One where Rock Put in a lie About Meeting Saraya before she joined WWE so she can tell Rock how much she looked up to him? THIS IS WORSE! THIS IS THE REAL LIFE DWAYNE JOHNSON-This is Executive Dwayne, The "Final Boss" Who makes everything about him...

But doesn't show up when it matters!

The Plot is A*s! -We have a Tough, Uncompromising Anti-Hero...and it's this character we are giving a little buddy to protect?

And Amon Doesn't even work in that Regard. He's not a cute little kid, he's old enough to look at most adults at Eye level, he's old enough to understand what's going on politically, and yet he's dumb enough to have his attention swayed by a Child's Cape.

Another Glaring Issue is Accessibility,  I'm sure there are reviews by reviewers with more knowledge of DC than I have. But I'm sure there are reviewers with no knowledge or interest in Comics, solely have a knowledge of film and will only judge this as a film. So they will only judge by what they see. Which isn't a lot. We get bare minimum and Fan W*nk when it comes to Character Development, "Red Tornado " appears on Maxine's ID and never explained, And we are never told who he is or what it means. We never hear "Targar" "Targarians", "Hawkgirl "or "Shayera" from Hawkman...

AND IT'S NOT LIKE SHE DOESN'T EXIST IN THE DCU! SHE JUST DOESN'T EXIST...YET!

... nor do we ever hear "Naboo" or "Inze" from Dr Fate. All these terms, are vital to the characters. It'll be like if Spiderman never mentioned Aunt May or Uncle Ben in the run time of his film. Ishmael/Sabbac is not worth any build-up, I'm just glad Sabbac was played by someone in great shape and not the Gangly Weakling covered in red paint!  Atom Smasher's entire motivation and plot Thread is simply just "HURDUR, I LIEK A GURL!"

And now to the main plot!

A Testosterone Poisoned Ego Trip and Power Fantasy,  With Questionable Terrorist Viewpoints from Mostly Muslim Characters. With our Star when he can be bothered to be seen,  phoning it in his lines and not raising his voice higher than the tone you speak in when a dog does it's business in front of you, Johnson is at his most Robotic I've ever seen him, if it's actually him we see, most of the fight scenes are CGI. Coupled with the terrible Sound mixing, that forced me to watch this with film with Subtitles to understand what people are saying over flashes of lightning and blaring gunfire. Oh the soundtrack needs special mention, Classic Rock Songs only put in because Warner can pay for them, but the Official Black Adam theme is so painful to listen to- A Repeated Guitar Chord and Autotuned women screaming.

If ContentId was not a thing, I would have a link to the Aural Abuse that plagues you in the opening and Closing Credits. 

As bad as this film is, Surprisingly this is only the SECOND worst Dwayne Johnson film ever made, there is actually one even worse,  A film so bad, it's promotional consideration on WWE, using the film's key plot device, became a buzzword for the very worst of the last years of the Vince Mcmahon Regime.

But that is a Story for next year's Ticket to Hell!

CREDITS 

Black Adam was Reviewed, Compiled and Edited into Two Parts by Eamonn Bermingham (@RealEnli)

With Media from:

In part 1

Black Adam

DC COMICS 

MST3K

FATE/Staynight

Guardians of the Galaxy

In Part 2

Bad movie Beatdown

MST3K

Batman vs Superman 

The Soon to be Released Superman (2025)

WWE

Red Notice

All media used belong to their respective owners. 

Black Adam is property of DC COMICS, which was Produced By Warner Bros. All rights reserved. 

NEXT MONTH ON BOGGER BOX OFFICE 

Because I'm reviewing World's Collide over on Enlightened Towers next month, the planned fan poll with be conducted in the next review, A Quiet Place Zero Hour.

TICKET TO HELL 

THE TWO DEATHS OF E 

FINAL CHAPTER

THE SECOND DEATH!

When Eamonn did his review, as Joe-Jack said, the trail of power send them to the Realm known as The Grey Area, A Dimension where forgotten are judged on their fates, and where Eamonn Bermingham, seemingly the last dvd reviewer, was taken to be a Museum piece, to he mocked by Aliens. 

These Judges, the Sephiroth, the Appraisers of Will, with Death and a creature called Herr Doktor as their bounty hunters and Bodyguards are formidable guards to these 10 creatures,  who are living treasures given voice and Sentience. Stripped our hero to make mockery of him for those who never seen a Human. 

Once the heroes and nuanced villains were made familiar of their drab surroundings. That's when the Humans of the group waned. Joe-Jack and Edwin only took one step, when they fell to their knees, gasping for breath.

"Oh Sh*t!"

"This Body...it's too weak....."

"Oi kant do anything...maybe I'm jus' stoopid an' useless....I'm nuffing without someone else...I'm nuffing without Misser Eamonn....without Mammie.....My Mammie!

Easy, Easy! It's the effect of the Grey Area, it has a negative effect on meatbags like you, I'm sure it feels like....

-Attending your own funeral?

-That's one way to put it!

-Maybe that's why They Bought Eamonn here, to dissuade Him from Escaping.

-aBSOLUTELY tHE cASE! iF hE fELT lIKE eSCAPE wAS iMPOSSIBLE, hE mAY hAVE aCCEPTED hIS dEATH. 

-Well I'm not going to accept that he died in some cage, when I sent all these years, plotting my revenge. I REFUSE TO BELIEVE HE'S DEAD,  BECAUSE I AM THE ONE, WHO IS DESTINED TO K*LL HIM, NOT THEM, NOT ANY OF YOU!

This statement made Edwin surge with energy,  like the Greyness Dissipated from his body. He stood, a resolve that was reinstated within him.

WOT? HOW?

I just remembered I have something to fight for, some earn for freedom, Justice, but let's be honest...Those are what I strive for as Rage, all I care is The felling of whatever sucka dumb enough to throw hands!

What about you, Joe-Jack? Do you have any thing worth fighting for.

(Deep Breath)

........No.......

(After a great deal of walking, which only served to Drive a wedge between the group, who hated each other so much, that any utterance of that fact would be wasted Breath. If anything else, of the many adventures, this may have being the first quest where there was no army or Assassins facing them, only because The Grey Area was in itself, it's own Defender. 

What seemed like an age, Joe-Jack found the invisible tower.

In typical fashion, by complete accident!

By walking face first into a unseen wall, Joe-Jack started to swing Fists and stood in a boxer's Stance.)

C'mon ya Ba****ds! Who's dat hitting us? 

Reaching out, he accidentally turned a doorknob and pratfalled into a corridor that looked like one of the an official building. 

Despite finding the entrance, Joe-Jack was still reeling from the depression.  Falling over just made things worse.

iS tHE hUMAN fUNCTIONING cORRECTLY?

YEAH (!) Everything iz sunshine n Fecking Rainbows, So it is!

tHE aBSENCE oF cOLOUR mAKES yOUR sTATEMENT iMPOSSIBLE!

JAYSUS....WILL YE KNOT BE AT ME? I JUS' FOUN' DA FLOOR AN I DON'T WANNA LEAVE DA PLAICE I WILL DIE!

And why do want to do that, don't you want to save your Friend.

Friend? Oi Don't fink we ever are dat!

Wait, Aren't you friends? Someone explain. 

Yeah, firs' time I met Misser Eamonn, I Tried To K*ll him! 

Really? Why?

I taught he was makin' fun of me. An...he was! I felt like he was taking over my life. An so I Invaded his review, and instead of attacking me, he offered me a place in his review.  Then Eamonn reviewed when Ostrich tried to invade Earf, Then da First Ticket to Hell happened, and DA Rest as they Say is Histrionic! Gawd, DA Stories I use totally Mammie, WEN she went t Heavens car dat one time,  she where more excira abou' being on a Hellycoppah. So when she sawed magic an' Flying Horse, an gian glowing Fly headed Gawds, she woz beside herself!

.....Well, if anything, won't it make sense to continue?

WADDYAMEAN?

Well, Eamonn's life is in Danger,  on both sides, if we find him alive, Edwin will destroy him and we don't know what these Appraisers of Will are capable of, and despite one is malfunctioning, I doubt a perfectly working one will see sense, either.

So you owe it to him, Friend or no, to show him you are not the Sidekick anymore, and moreover that you are reliable as your own man.

I don't fink oi has da Konfeedense dat youse all have.

"Well, I tried!" Jusef Said straightening up and walking to join the others. 

qUESTION fOR yOU, hUMAN.

-Sure, what is it.

wHY aRE yOU uNAFFECTED bY aLL tHIS?

Easy. My World is so ruined and oppressive, that being in a place where you can see is grey and all you hear is faint voices, it's.....what's a good word for it.....oh....comforting!

wE sEE, pERHAPS wE cAN...rEMEDY tHE eARTH-3 gAME...

Eventually, the Group made it's way to the Bulk of the Mueseum, as the floor was now filled with the track-lines made to aid the Appraisers in their Movement. 

From a Balcony, shots were fired at them. 

I'm werry Sorry,  But Ze Exhibitions are currently closed to ze Public. If you refuse to Leave....

WE'LL DROP YOU ALL WHERE YOU STAND!

Well, well, If it isn't Pestilence! I haven't seen you since we Gave Blankets to some Natives! You Still owe me Five Deutschmark, Ya Bum!

Weight, it's not a real Doctah?

Vatt is a Bettah Vay, to get close to You Hairless Guinea Pigs? So Curious, So Fragile....So very Trusting!

Okay I know Pestilence,  I don't know who The love child of Pinocchio and Billy the Kid is. 

Weight? You don't recognise him? He says he's Death.

Why Would Death take that form? Or any form? Who are you really? 

Hehe hehe hehe..... Just because you don't believe who I say am, why can't I be Death?

(The Puppet Reaper teleported down a floor to face the heroes. Pestilence now that his identity was exposed, undid the Buttons and buckles of his plague Doctor Costume, as the gas that animated the body. As the cloud of gas lifted the slumped garments and Gas Canister and flung it towards the heroes,  which they dodged, before the winds reconstituted into the humanoid form. Its arms outstretched and his masked face looking that them In a smug high angle as if to say, at any moment..."TAH DAH!")

So will handle village People and this gasbag?

I was hoping you would deal with Herr Doktor.

Besides what mercenary would not take the chance and face Death? I will go down as a legend. 

Legends Die....Just the rest of you!

We'll hold off death and Pestilence, the rest of you, Find Eamonn.

And they found him, surrounded by 9 of the Appraisers. 

I-KETHER-WILL-SPEAK: Human, this is how you show us your gratitude? We saved you from Societial Extinction. But you humans love to bite the hand that feed you?

I GEBURAH WILL SPEAK: So we degree your Exhibition is is now a Stay Of Execution. And a brief one!

I-TIFERET-WILL-SPEAK: CAN WE JUST KILL THIS INGRATE? WE'VE BEING NOTHING BUT KIND BUT IT'S KEEPS GOING  ON ABOUT HIS "FREEDOM" AND "TROUSERS". 

Ya, Speakin' ov, Wat is ya Wearin'? It wasn't enough to use a Child's Ironing Man Glove, now you look like a Fecking Oscar Wif Red bits!

Thank you for telling me know how I look. I guess mankind will never lose the concept of a mirror.

Wat is this clothes, did they make you where Dat?

No....they didn't make me wear anything! 

Ya mean fer ya Birfday....dey left ya in yer birfday Suit? HAHAHA!

Are we done, we need to meet Chesed.

Chestnut, who dat?

She's our out. She's taking a big chance to get me back to our plain of existence. 

Weight. "SHE? " Da Gawd Babbys tole me, one of these Applicatah's went Screwy, and it was a women!

It's already happened, It was Binah, the Sephiroth of Understanding, she had found me in my attempts to escape. This Suit, the Digital  Pilgrim, can be removed without a trace. BUUUUUT....Not quick enough for people not to notice.

So for you to say, one of the 2 females to malfunction and the one of Understanding to be unreasonable makes sense.

I-CHESED-WILL-SPEAK : came the digitised voice from the Canister. 

"We are close, gather your friends and we will Escape."

It was the rogue Sephiroth Chesed, who had her Pod modified with weaponry, to see the embodiment of kindness, the Treasure that was the Umbilical cord of the First Being, (Impossible as that would be!) Shoot a tank gun, shocked The Cosmic Entities. 

bUT tHAT iS....

I KETER WILL SPEAK: We have survived for eons, and seen off every civilisation who tried to steal our Knowledge and power. We have seen them all fade to dust. What makes you think, despite turning our sister. That will win?

I BINAH WILL SPEAK: Sister....don't do this!....

Something in Joe-Jack's empty head, echoed in his mind...Something the Cosmic Entities said

"The Malfunctioning Sephiroth has forsaken its Duty for its base programming..."

HOLD ON!....IT'S YOUS!

You're the da Traitor!

-WHAT?

And....That's where we end it, sorry for the Cliffhanger, but I recently had my 40th Birthday,  so there was some time constraints with that and some Local Government issues that had to get dealt with.

So I'll see you next month for A Quiet Place: Day One. Where we will start a new storyline.